Friday, April 28, 2006

Can you PLEASE forgive my rant?!

I really let off some much , needed steam, last night!I, sincerely apologise!Or do I? I have a therapist, whom feels that all I release in these pages, prevents me from , completely exploding! I got to spend some cherished time with a kindred friend, Anna Young, and I believe she permitted me to unleash my emotions.Yep, I cried. BUT- she presses me to remember, that, where do I let some things fall on the shoulders of Our Lord?SO many humans, have this insatiable need to THINK/TRY, 2 deal with it all, like they are  in a boxing ring, expecting a flashy belt as a prominent show of Victory?! "IF," I were capeable to deal with it ALL, on me own, I wouldn't need, nor ask, for The Lords' interject! First and foremost, I don't seem to follow His lead to a Tee! "IF," I did, I swear 2 you, I'd NOT have as many speed bumps, in which to hurdle! It tripps me out, to realise, how often, when me back is against the wall, I cry , LOUDLY, heart and soul, 4 His assist! Yet, still, I attempt to rule , all by myself?! Talk about a control freak!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

There are , just some things...

How , does one  deal with life on lifes' terms?YEAH!, a bunch of us think we got it goin' on!For Real, fer real, we ain't got squat! How do we become , so obtuse? Well, I THINK, it's because, we have, an UNcanny knack to overthrow, all that is irksome! "We ARE, going to flatten the MAN! How dare we fall. We, HAVE to prove something! IS, that what we wish? Cum on, we have 2 do sumthin' RIGHT!

       FACT of the matter, IS, we have done a great job, sustaining:). Ya'll think it's EASY? It's NOT! TOO, many, are put under a scope............and THEN disected!        "I will get by---------I will survive!" That, IS, The Dead! At an earlier date, in my existance, I didn't realise?! I fucking DO, now! Please, pardon my cursings. I, sincerely apologise! I, simply meant it from the core! It amazes me, how splurr of vocabulary, sometimes, just gets the job done BETTER!"Git 'er DONE!" Forgive me, I'm peeved! Here I go, with two wonderful children, and SQUAT, in order to  allow their dreams to blossom! Their Dad, is a flambouyant imbosile!And, I have to rely , on THE kindness of others!THAT, bites! I'm angry, and I feel "stupid!" I THOUGHT, I had more intellect, than THAT!However, Look at what The Lord, has presented US with, child form:)-They are THE, most delectable creatures, Ya ever wished to know!I have a bit , more than I expected, upon me platter! However, I, now, have a focal point, that outstands any obstacle! Sum, say, that the Army, IS, the toughest job , they ever LOVED?! BALDERDASH!, TRY, raising proper , little women! TOO, many, seem to take this priority, as a hoax?! FUCK that! This ain't a joke! This is a raw, discipline, that comes from ones' soul! Skrew- try RAISING, boys, as well! No one, is a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These are SOUND individuals, that didn't ask 4 you to present them,-----------U, did that from , whatever reason! Still-, "if yer gonna play, Ya'd better PAY!" If I ever met ANYONE, whom brought a child into THIS world, and threw them 2 the Heap, I'd mash you!By the way, the discipline THANG, doesn't mean to slap the beejapers outta them, "it comes from one's solace!"h-e-a-r-t! Ya feel me?! I'm NOT, attempting to preach! I've been, where a child MUST not go! It hasn't ANYthing to do with $$$$$$$, nor substatiality!It has to do with, why you had the child in the first place!Whether, you bought her/him, or , whatever,-WHY? One MUST ask, ones self a relative question! Yeah, I'm begining to address, what I've experienced! It, may, seem a bit extream. BUT- how would YOU  feel? Yo!- I ain't no Angel! Still, the reason I'm NOT, is that , me heart was broken, afore I began! IF, I appeal to ANYone......PLEASE- don't do this 2 someone, 4 , U wouldn't dig it , being done to you!ESPECIALLY, since the world is going to the _____ in a hand bag! No one cares about MUCH! 'Cept, if it has an account placed behind it!Yumpin' Yimini, people don't even get Married, anymore, without a PREnup! Git Ya thinkin'? I apologise, if I am making , too, much sense, or----being 2 forward----------BUT! I'm sick and flippin' tired, of holding my observations inside! I'm gonna obtain a boil, if I don't spew, from time 2 time! You, FEEL me! And you KNOW you do! Gimme a break- I would bet me last dollar, that some one , some where, wouldn't say the same THANG, if they COULD! I'm sick and tired, of the weasles in this world, whom take ALL 4 granted!Take yer bank account , and stick it , where the sun DOESN'T shinE! Put yer $$$$$, where yer heart is! Reach out! Touch someone, before they cascade down the spiral staircase!

I'm not quite sure:).

I'm off the wall:). I have two therapists, ministering to my children, and I'm thrown to my room, listening to "Wooley Bully," whilst typing my heiney off:). I'm not even sure why/what I wish to convey?! So what?! It's mental excercise for me. Earlier, this day, Rising, that's Jim, from The mountain, 102.3 F.M., played a most profound set of an hours worth of tunage, slapping my ass , right back into the direction I need NOT to stray from:). I took the opportunity to write him a Willow note of Thanx and praise, and he had the amasing desire to send me a Thank You:). He rarely does that, he's a busy man, leading a very cool existance! However, I read/recall , what I wrote , and it made , even ME, laugh out loud, LOL! The therapists, looked in on ME, and in wonderment, shook their heads! I get a lot of that, in my life:). YEP!, I'm part freakazoid!

        I apologise, but me daughter needs the phone, and I go thru the phone line:). I'll be back...........there, you've been warned:).

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

It's Willow time-

Life is a fuckin' tripp! I have SO much potential, it's not even funny!However, it took a kindred woman, to remind me, to leave ALL in the Lords' hands, and all WILL be well!She has a prominent point! O.K., enough with the !!!!!!!!!. I was able to speak with a cherished friend, this evening, she's @79ish, and she has a mind like a steel trap. Her name is "Pat," and she has been through her own wringers! She, astoundingly, STILL accepts my entity, and THINKS, I don't listen to her words of wisdom?! Fact of the matter , IS, I "DO!"She's a REAL pest, with her NO-HOLDS-BARRED attitude of supream authority, but- she is wise! I'm still, confused on why she spends ANY time counseling me?!BUT- she does.We lock horns, each and every conversation. However, we are sort of addicted to one another. Elton, has been released from jail! I wrote to him. The letter , returned , stating , return to sender, inmate released without a forwarding address!I'm not completely stupid, he's scared! He thinks , anything to do with me, could land him BACK! Especially, since my husband, IS a caniving , juggular vein stabber!Lemme tell you what- I have constantly dreamed, let alone , prayed- for our reconciliation!!!!!! The mere thought, of ME, on the back of his "Harley," wrapped around him, as we go past warp speed, ignights mu molecular being!Motor-Cycles, scare the crap outta me! I'd MUCH , preferre' a sound , flat bed Ford!BUT- wrapped around his mid section, delights me.I'm dieing, anyhow, why not let it ROCK?!E.J., has a profound effect on me!ONE time, we dropped acid-----and , he went to the store for cigs, whilst I showered.He was clad in jeans and a Leather jacket+boots!Upon his return, as all was kicking in, he chose to NOT strip and entered the shower, WITH me:).I was NEVER so enamored and satisfied!That , young man, pasted me to the shower wall, and took his prime of me! I was astounded..........and PLEASED  beyond words!He kisses like a Viking in Heat!I/he, took places , all over the flippin' house, exploring one another, and crashing the coffiee table to the floor:)."THAT," was the night , our son , Zakkary, was concieved!Elton, has an UNcanny ability, to play the guitar! I ACHE, to be able to listen to him, BUT- he has NOT made his presence or placement, know 2 me?!I miss him, SO much!At this point of my existance, I am one wanton woman!I require a companion! A REAL one!I have so much to offer this man, yet- because of his issues, he won't cum near me.I USED 2 do drugs. "IF," antone , even tried to administer a drug to me, forceably, I'd whoop the mutha!I have learned, life is TOO precious, to waste on THAT crap!I , unusually, have been praying, for The one, to come into my life, so that I may share EVERYTHING with. I never asked THAT, afore. However, I am destitute and I finally deserve a secure companion! And THAT is just the truth!

So, I'm told NOT to place my expectations...

There comes a time, when all looks so darn bleak!YET- one MUST stand up and realise, that we silly humans, whom depend on mere mortals, for dependance, REALLY need to REfocus, on whom holds the cards! As my hair falls out and my heart breaks, there is, ONE, whom can fix me! I, simply forget, too often, that "HE," has a plan for me, and it doesn't include another human, to make it come true! People, this one's on ME! O.K., so I don;t have another to cuddle and watch GREAT movies with! So, I don't have the sound neck to wrap me arms around! Bottom line, IS, what am I gonna do, NOW?! Pick meself UP, by the bootstraps, and progress! For goodness sakes, I'm OUT of diapers! So, woman, get a handle on it, and do something!"IF," there is a companion on the horrizon, they will appear! At least I have a GRATEFUL Teddy!That's BEAR! And, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger!The Cars, are playing, now. And I have responsibilities to conquer! I need to get off of my verbal release, and get busy!BEST, that I turn my turmoil into productivity! Peace Out!

Monday, April 24, 2006

It would appear, I need a good, sound spanking!

Life throws stuff at one, like NObodies buisness!I gotta spew 4 a sec!However, ALL, that does NOT kill one, only makes them stronger! Here we flippin' go, again! Alan and hi s up and coming bout, with ANOTHER sentencing, 4 DUI/NO license/NO Ins.,/ No Inspect./NO NOTHING- and being the third ONE, is escaping his family responsibilities, AGAIN! He shall go afront the judge, three days afore his youngest daughters Birthday, removing himself from the promises he bestowed upon them for party/ CAMP/ LIFE! He fully expects me to take up the slack, and DEAL with their recompense, BUT- I shall not fall!Nor, will I fail these fragile women!I, only have "me," to work? with! Alone and solo. BUT- I shall enhance their world, with dilligent LOVE!-----I HOPE!---- I've arrived at a place, that seems wreckless and saddened , by flippin' reality! STILL- there is ALWAYS hope!Big f__kin' deal , if I'm always broke!THAT, is NOT the point! Urge, of substantial progress, comes from WAY deeper! Nope, I'm NOT related to "Donald!" So be it! However-If I have the heart to move further, for ones that aren't even me--------------there ARE, no boundaries!

                 I wrote to Elton. Two weeks ago! I THOUGHT, I had a chance at a loving relationship?! Still, the letter returned, with a check notice, saying, he has been released with NO forwarding address!I, AM, devistated!!!!! I had me heart, steadfast, on REkindling a solid companionship, with ONE, whom I wished to Cherish!Foolish me, I dreamt too large!I , figured, life COULD be GRAND! I am SO fueled by the thought of having a companion, that I included the one , whom rocked my world?! Still, I found he fell short, at one time. However, I wasn't lookin' at life with the best glasses in the ballroom! I learned of my indesgressions and fool HARDY  imbosilic moves, and came up with the realisation, that I was QUITE the fiend! How DARE I, miss such substantial signals? or did I? Fact of the matter, IS, having to do with his constant progress and , NEW Found life style, we BOTH have much to offer! If, ONLY, I could cascade through life on the back of his "Harley!"He digs OVERLY-SATURATED pop-corn, a GOOD movie, and the shower aspect, doesn;t come into a wrong play, EITHER! You should see him saturated, with his Leather ON! It's orgasmic!He has the "Pink Floyd," emblem,tattooed on his CHEST:)- From what I'm led to realise, he's got a LOT of tattoooes:):):):):):):).I wish he'd look at MINE! I, normally, ONLY pray to God, for MAJOR thangs! OR, other peoples! Fact of the matter, IS, I have reached a spot in my life, where, I am "SO," lonely, I actually prayed for a TRUE companion! I have a deep desire, to CARE for someone else, besides my children/meself. I NEED someone to hold/pamper/  coddle!!!!!!!!!! I, have NO desire, to locate this subject in a flippin' bar! And, I WON'T! Still- I am a deserving individual, whom ACHES for a companion of WORTH! I was wishing it was Elton!He's a tripp! BUT- he's a GOOD man! He's been through the wringer, and so have I! We, NOW, have , EVERYTHING, in common!Besides, he's THE best cuddler that ever was!

It would appear, I need a good, sound spanking!

Life throws stuff at one, like NObodies buisness!I gotta spew 4 a sec!However, ALL, that does NOT kill one, only makes them stronger! Here we flippin' go, again! Alan and hi s up and coming bout, with ANOTHER sentencing, 4 DUI/NO license/NO Ins.,/ No Inspect./NO NOTHING- and being the third ONE, is escaping his family responsibilities, AGAIN! He shall go afront the judge, three days afore his youngest daughters Birthday, removing himself from the promises he bestowed upon them for party/ CAMP/ LIFE! He fully expects me to take up the slack, and DEAL with their recompense, BUT- I shall not fall!Nor, will I fail these fragile women!I, only have "me," to work? with! Alone and solo. BUT- I shall enhance their world, with dilligent LOVE!-----I HOPE!---- I've arrived at a place, that seems wreckless and saddened , by flippin' reality! STILL- there is ALWAYS hope!Big f__kin' deal , if I'm always broke!THAT, is NOT the point! Urge, of substantial progress, comes from WAY deeper! Nope, I'm NOT related to "Donald!" So be it! However-If I have the heart to move further, for ones that aren't even me--------------there ARE, no boundaries!

                 I wrote to Elton. Two weeks ago! I THOUGHT, I had a chance at a loving relationship?! Still, the letter returned, with a check notice, saying, he has been released with NO forwarding address!I, AM, devistated!!!!! I had me heart, steadfast, on REkindling a solid companionship, with ONE, whom I wished to Cherish!Foolish me, I dreamt too large!I , figured, life COULD be GRAND! I am SO fueled by the thought of having a companion, that I included the one , whom rocked my world?! Still, I found he fell short, at one time. However, I wasn't lookin' at life with the best glasses in the ballroom! I learned of my indesgressions and fool HARDY  imbosilic moves, and came up with the realisation, that I was QUITE the fiend! How DARE I, miss such substantial signals? or did I? Fact of the matter, IS, having to do with his constant progress and , NEW Found life style, we BOTH have much to offer! If, ONLY, I could cascade through life on the back of his "Harley!"He digs OVERLY-SATURATED pop-corn, a GOOD movie, and the shower aspect, doesn;t come into a wrong play, EITHER! You should see him saturated, with his Leather ON! It's orgasmic!He has the "Pink Floyd," emblem,tattooed on his CHEST:)- From what I'm led to realise, he's got a LOT of tattoooes:):):):):):):).I wish he'd look at MINE! I, normally, ONLY pray to God, for MAJOR thangs! OR, other peoples! Fact of the matter, IS, I have reached a spot in my life, where, I am "SO," lonely, I actually prayed for a TRUE companion! I have a deep desire, to CARE for someone else, besides my children/meself. I NEED someone to hold/pamper/  coddle!!!!!!!!!! I, have NO desire, to locate this subject in a flippin' bar! And, I WON'T! Still- I am a deserving individual, whom ACHES for a companion of WORTH! I was wishing it was Elton!He's a tripp! BUT- he's a GOOD man! He's been through the wringer, and so have I! We, NOW, have , EVERYTHING, in common!Besides, he's THE best cuddler that ever was!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I'm, somewhat confused?!

I'm just a goof! However, I did, lay into Alan, with premiere honesty! He RAN! I spent my efforts, in dispelling my thoughts, with a whole lot of TACT! He ran. I am married to him. He resided in my bed, last night, and when I went to grasp him, he shot me down?! So-----I questioned him, about this . "What?" "Why?" you USED 2 dig me, and if you don't, today, WHY? Well, talk about a shoot down, he's decided to address men.I knew, it was in him.But, darn, what a fact to swallow[nopunintended.]

            I decided to change the subject, and to appeal to his heart?! What about the children? Granted, they were borne from, what I THOUGHT, was love. It WAS! However, he can't become aroused by me , any longer. It's too much of a hassle?! Granted, I'm no Pam Anderson, but my artistic creativity, and my eyes/ass, can pronounce the proudest monkey! Weird part of it, is, I would adore to find a woman, whom I could bathe in Rose petals, nightly, and then give her a manicure.Life's a tripp!

         He has wrestled with this for YEARS! I am becoming, painstakingly aware, that reality has nipped him in the bud!How do I handle this? Granted, I was disgusted with his theatrics, and wished to slam him! Yet, NOW, I'm wondering , if it was more , due to my whackiness, that pushed him over the regal edge?! I'm NOT, in the mood to come face to face, with reality, that I coaxed my husband into an alter! How fickle is this? I , prefer women, rather than men, BUT---------she has to be special! I've tested the waters. but NONE, floated! I wish to find a friend/companion, that I can float with! Male, OR, female?! Alls' I wish , is a friend!

Children of the sun

It's raining cats and dogs!Alan stayed over , last night, and God help him! He's THE most miserable person, I've ever encountered:( He's , most likely, going to do time, AGAIN, and away from his family. Not thay he spends much time with us to begin with.......BUT!I'm not gonna lie 2 U, I have feelings about the ONgoing bullshit, we heap upon our children! Whoa!, I'm NO angel, but dagnibbit, it HAS to stop! Thank goodness, I am involved with "Youth Advocacy," so as to provide , professional assist to a world that is so desperately trying to figure out , which way is "UP?"

Children of the sun

It continues to amaze me. Life throws me some dandy curves:), "Wooley-Bully," I told you, the beat goes on:). Alan stayed the night, last night. We slept in the same bed, and as I grasped his buttocks, he strongly told me to knock it off! Here I am, trying to envelope, all that is kind and sweet.........and he , REALLY, is, THE most miserable man that hit the planet?! Even my friend , Lynda, says his face/facial expressions, remind her of one, whom got his pecker stuck in a toaster?! I , completely realise , dude had a warped childhood, but -----Get off the cross, some one requires the wood. Don't allow me to fool Ya, "MY," childhood was a cowpie, but , "Get Over It."AIGHT," I feel his distress, at facing jail time, AGAIN, Yep, it blows, but each and every time, I crumble in my pathetic , AWE, it's all 4 nothing!He DOESN'T learn! This, is what he's good at?! He seems to glorify the fact, that , when he goes IN, he'll simply pick up , where he left off. He'll be , strut , RIGHT back into the position of "Cook 4 the Guards." He has accumulated that kinda recognition?! Darn shame, huh? HOW, can one be so confident, and acceptable, of such a regime as that?

         As I said , I an't no angel! BUT- at least I strive for another type of standard. I must depart, fer a sec, my daughter, requires a heating pad hook up.Her back is sore.         May God bless you, for allowing my thoughts to be heard:).

Thursday, April 20, 2006

SO, what do I do NOW!

Dear Lord, I'm in trouble AGAIN! However, I didn't do anything?! My husband, is a drunk!I, didn't find that easy to admit! Cum to find, he's goin' , back to jail! NOW- how do I explaine this to OUR children?WE- depend on his earnings, for support!Mycat is confused, too!SO, I'm NOT the only one!NOW, it's UP 2 me? Skrew! Here I AM, trying me best, and I've the need 2 go 2 bat, for a scum sucker?! Where was he? I'm getting REAL tired, of cumming to his rescue! He, doesn't EVEN make it worth while!Talk about a hemoroid!Are ALL men , like that?

           I'm in the mood, to tell him the truth! He, can take his abusive self, and climb up the nearest tunnel!Here I AM, attempting to Bounce Around The Room. AND, what do I have to do with, his rescue? Wanna know sumpthin',he'll be permanently scared, when I win, withOUT, male muscle!He , canNOT STAND, a vixen, whom scores! It's a control THANG! Granted, penises, rock, BUT-...             is that the ONLY head they have 2 think with? WOMEN, U R NOT alone! Men R from Mars/Women- R- from Venus! Neither one of us , can figure the other! Fact, of the matter, IS, all of us, simply need to do our best!AND, if we canNOT, give it a rest!"David Bowie," said, "but i try!" Ya wish to know sumpthin', so do I!Modern Love?! stinks!     I, cannot prove it, YET- but, I threw down, and, then, there was nothing left!I'm convinced, there is a lot MORE! But- with the remote controls, we wouldn't know!

The moral IS...

It absolutely floors me............to arrive at realizations, I thought I knew EVERYthin' about, YET- knew bupkiss! Come on, you can't tell me, you didn't think you were "All THAT, & a bag of cashews," to find----nope?!It's cool! I fondly believe, that there isn't a being on this planet of ours, that hasn't felt like their underwear wasn't made of Sushie! But-that isn't what I wished to comply. As my days progress, I am stumbling on aspects of reality, that ARE astounding! Have you ever heard of a band, called "Janes' Addiction?" Have you ever listened to the words of their songs?Talk about rational honesty!Well, that WAS me.I seem to cascade through a WHOLE lotta portals! It tripps me out, from time to time.-----------ok., quit laughing at the Sushie thang! At least, I didn't mention the soy sauce!!!!!!!     ANYhoooooos, I went through SO, MANY lapses of , "I'm king sayer, NO higher!" Yet, as I live ON--,I am finding, there is just NO real need to go in that direction! First of all, it places a whole binch of UNneccessary pressures! PLUS, when one wins, it's even cooler, when one didn't know they had a war, in the first place:).

There IS, always, more to learn!

"Save my life, I'm going down 4 the last time!" Life, IS a tripp! Things spew at you, without warning. BUT- that is just how it goes. I was enabled, to learn , a NEW story, that I hadn't heard before. It's called, "Stone Soup"-

             There was a time, where all in the village, had, next to NOTHING! When they , LEAST, expected it, a man shown himself, out of NOwhere! He, had nothing, to their options, either. Starved, he requested a bit of food."All," told him the same, "We haven't ANYthing to share!"

          Dude, placed himself, in the middle of the town, and, from his bag, drug out , three PERFECTLY round rocks, built a fire, and placed , over it, a kettle with all he required, to boil! As he did this, he sounded, ohmigoodness-this is THE best soup, I've ever tasted! "IF, only we had some carrotts, it would be perfect!"           From the outskirts, "I , THINK, I may have a carrott or two!" the person made way to include them. --------"OH, YES!, this IS fantastic! Could one imagine, if we were to have a bit of potatoe?"-------Another, reached into their slight supply, and located a VAT, of extra taters!to ADD.--my, my, my, nothing has tasted better..............however, imagine if we had a wee, bit of pork?wHAT A DELIGHT, it shall be:).   Without warning, the next individual, exposed an amount of Beef, to add, from their scant provisions. How, delightful, as the entire village, came to FEAST! "All," slept soundly, with FULL bellies.                        NOW, what IS, the moral, to this story?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A bunch of thoughts-

Thought I'd take a moment , or two, to just tickle the keys with my brain:). Yeah!- a lot of my past, was wacky! Yet, as I straighten out, and try VERY hard, without drugs, perhaps I am a BIT , more concious of what is happening in the world. Allow me to give you, two examples. Are you aware of the saga , of a certain, 11 mo. old cat, named, "Molly?"For two weeks, she was caught betwixed two ancient buildings, meowing the whole time, without food, water, touch!There, THEN, came the day, when she was rescued:). The internet, provided a site, in which to post notes about it.SOME, of the responses, FLOORED me!ONE, person, posted their thought and humor , that "THEY hate ALL cats, and would find delight, in burying the animals, up to their necks in the sand, while running their heads over with a lawn mower?" "Give it a try, it's FUN!"   W-H-A-T?       The next example, would be the FANTSTIC laughs and time, in which , my best friend and I took part in a Spades game, ONline, @8ish, on a Saturday night. Others ----joined our game, YET, when we lost a game[   bigdeal  ]  took our heads off, stating, "IF, there was LESS talking, you might give the game a chance to be WON!"   First of all----------IT'S A GAME! Second, games, are supposed to be FUN!, and last, BUT NOT LEAST- The pickers of fly poop, outta pepper- it's Saturday night! If a GAME, is what you are SO obsessed with on a Saturday Night, who should get a life?????????? In-flippin' credible!   Granted- the worlds traumas are WAY more magnanomous, than a Cat and a game, but these things, issued me to percieve the desperation of TOO many, STRIVING to escape the REAL issues. This is just what I think, IF, anyone cares.  The thing that blasts me, is, I am doing my SOUND best, to creep outta my mire, and, 4 real, fer REAL, I had quite a bit of CREEPING, to do. big deal- BUT, I'm, at times, wondering, is the creep worth me effort?Did you EVER feel, like too many others, keep attempting , to land you BACK , seven spaces?SO---------WHY, do we continue to progress?  NOPE, I do NOT intend to cease!!

      This line of thought, brings my attention, to, at this one aspect of my earlier life, I was happily included, in the ventures , with a band, called"The Back Doors."I was dating the drummer, "Jeff Strony," and I was a wanna-be roadie.We traveled all over the U-of S, for six months:). I had NEVER, experienced a niftier time !Well- except for my time spent in Europe. BUT- here was a gaggle of people, meeting new people/neww places, daily, and we had NOTHING to groan about, 'cept, "JimHaikems," UNnatural , BURMING desire, To EAT!-Everywhere!!!!!!!!!I , had NO idea, what global upset , WAS?!A man , named Tony Russek, was the Lead guitarist-[GOD, rest his soul.}I saw THE wildest things and , actually learned from them?! Jim, would send some of us roadies, out into tha audience, in order to acclaime the whench he wished to, 1st, make shower, wash her mouth with soap, and then H-A-V-E! See, back in that day, all the RAGE, was to dance and perform!FUN-------was the prime , focal point!We were traveling , with another band , called"RE-Creedence Revival", well- I think it was just, "The REvival."Still, we had FUN! What, happened to FUN?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I've got work to do.

How was everyones' "Easter?" I can't be more pleased, with ours.Alan, actually acted semi-human?! Bottom/best thang----the girls had a good one:). When I was shorter than I am now, my parental units were to darn stuffed. Good Lord, I was not permited to break a sweat?! I , vowed, to NOT, be anything like them. [which all of you know, is quite impossible?!] We, ALL, latch on to some of their wretched qualities! However, periodicaly, I split the bananna, such as, as the warming weather is upon us, there is plentiful mudd, amid the yard:):):):). The other day, I allowed my damsels, to wreak haavock, in "The Mudd Pie Gallery!" Oh, contrare', I didn't miss the opportunity, to photo, this Blessed mess!I, can't WAIT, to share these candid photos, with their beua's later, down the path:).Wait untill I unleash the video tape-age, of their FIRST captured anticts! A mothers' delight!

          AHhh, The Mountain, is blessing me, with"Cat People," accross the airwaves, in order to serenade my application to "W. I .T. I .A. C.'s" That is short for my journals' title.Since the holiday is complete, I hope we all have found a new resoning/begining, and a brand , new set of EVEREADY, element, in which to fuel us FORWARD!      P.S., I mastered the ART, of composing "Chopped Chicken Livers:)"I am STILL enjoying them, with JOY! Peace Out, All-

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I, CAN be a foolish mortal!

Have mercy, I just lost what I wrote!SO, here we GO, again! It's Easter Eve! I, have just been adjoined with The Rabbit, himself! Wanna know sumthin'? Dude is kinda cool! I, had the glorious opportunity, to hook up with me BEST friend, in a GAME of Spades:)..We, did well, and we didn't. FACT, of the matter IS, we got hollerd at, for kibbitzing , TOO much?! SPANK, me, if I am off balance, but, THIS IS A G-A-M-E, isn't it?!OH!, 4 goodness sake! Let's get a thing , cleared! It's , Saturday night, and, if someone is playing games on the flippin' pewter, who's to jibe?????????I, guarantee, if yer there, you've got a cool reason in which, TO be! F-U-N, feel me?!So, wazzup? They got peeved, that we were conversing, 2 much? PLASTERWRAP, they won? Get a gripp!AND, then git 'er done! I, pray, that they , FINALLY, have noticed, how , darn well we giggled! BET- they got THEIR panties into a sweat!

       As , I said, it's Easter Eve! And, for sum nifty reason, the BUNNY, included me, into the festivities:). when, MY girls wake up, to realize what Easter, is REALLY about, they be going with a plastered smile!!!!!!!!!!!!     I, Used 2, think, that it was , another , deligated  opportunity, 4 me to go nuts! Thank GOODNESS, I am begining 2 grow UP! I, USED 2 feel, that life OWED me sumthin'! Bottom line, IS, what do I owe? I'll tell U da TRUTH! Pardon me , 4 gettin' it twisted, but, FINALLY, my Girls, are found , 2 be, two of the best behaved?! Holy Hobinieros?! "did i do that?" ohmigosh, YEAH! Ther, IS, always HOPE!

Friday, April 14, 2006

There IS, Always Hope!

Cum to Papa-, I, have GOT 2 share! I just spent , "THE," most Fabulous time! I was Blessed to be able to play Spades, as well as converse with me ALL time, Best friend! electronically permitted, Of course!As , I lost, -203, SHE, acclaimed, 302:). Talk about , "Yin/Yang:). We conversed about my Last, jail time , spent! During that Down time, I came to a segment, where, I -GLADLY- came to the decision, "ENOUGH!" I , had masterfully plotted, on how to take out my face/head, against the wall, laiden with written comments, that made me wish to "Whoops!" I, had HAD it!I took a professional stance, and began, plot of deliverance! "RIGHT," before I collided with the wall of stone---my eyes, mtsteriously opened, and I was given the gift of being ABLE to percieve, "THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, WITHOUT, WE HAVE NOTHING!"Obviously, since I am blessed with the opportunity to jot this down to you, I did NOT collide:). In a menagerie of, "I need a bag!'" Cyndi sucks dick for a high," ETC., in a place , where I would LEAST expect- THE light shown through! Sumpthin', such as my best friends' and my, scores! We simple humans, THANK, we got it goin' ON?! And, allow me to point out an inescapeable fact. There ARE, millions of us, all over the place/planet, that know I'm not fibbing!Son of a buiscut, there are , just too, many instances, that may NOT be poofed away! You know it, and so do I! Lets take an example.Please! "TREES-" they have weathered storms, upon storms, yet, , very few, take the time to say "hello," to them! [SOMEBODY CALL THE THERAPIST 4 THIS ONE] I read in, "The Upper Room," that what we do to others, is a glorious opportunity, for the "GOOD," vibes, to reverberate, back! Makes sense.I spent a substantial amount of time, in a place, called Muncy State Penetentery. While I was ther, I adopted , THE most wonderous tree, we were UNable to grace its' branches, by nestling into. I was graced to be able , EACH/EVERY day, to pass it/her/him?, and speak with it:). Most found me madd. Come to find out, at the end of my stay, a woman , wrote me a note, "i thought she thought i was a dweeb-" She sang praise to my oddities, and , after hanging with me fer a few, found MY tree, to be a character!As I depart, for the moment, I PRAY, "Molly the Cat, "finds her way OUT!This precious , tiny, nibblet of Gods' feline creatures, got herself, wedged between two buildings, and for TWO weeks, has cried out for rescue:( And , "i," think MY life has downfalls. Ishrink, at observing her dilemna and stride for freedom/water/food?!

There IS, Always Hope!

Cum to Papa-, I, have GOT 2 share! I just spent , "THE," most Fabulous time! I was Blessed to be able to play Spades, as well as converse with me ALL time, Best friend! electronically permitted, Of course!As , I lost, -203, SHE, acclaimed, 302:). Talk about , "Yin/Yang:). We conversed about my Last, jail time , spent! During that Down time, I came to a segment, where, I -GLADLY- came to the decision, "ENOUGH!" I , had masterfully plotted, on how to take out my face/head, against the wall, laiden with written comments, that made me wish to "Whoops!" I, had HAD it!I took a professional stance, and began, plot of deliverance! "RIGHT," before I collided with the wall of stone---my eyes, mtsteriously opened, and I was given the gift of being ABLE to percieve, "THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, WITHOUT, WE HAVE NOTHING!"Obviously, since I am blessed with the opportunity to jot this down to you, I did NOT collide:). In a menagerie of, "I need a bag!'" Cyndi sucks dick for a high," ETC., in a place , where I would LEAST expect- THE light shown through! Sumpthin', such as my best friends' and my, scores! We simple humans, THANK, we got it goin' ON?! And, allow me to point out an inescapeable fact. There ARE, millions of us, all over the place/planet, that know I'm not fibbing!Son of a buiscut, there are , just too, many instances, that may NOT be poofed away! You know it, and so do I! Lets take an example.Please! "TREES-" they have weathered storms, upon storms, yet, , very few, take the time to say "hello," to them! [SOMEBODY CALL THE THERAPIST 4 THIS ONE] I read in, "The Upper Room," that what we do to others, is a glorious opportunity, for the "GOOD," vibes, to reverberate, back! Makes sense.I spent a substantial amount of time, in a place, called Muncy State Penetentery. While I was ther, I adopted , THE most wonderous tree, we were UNable to grace its' branches, by nestling into. I was graced to be able , EACH/EVERY day, to pass it/her/him?, and speak with it:). Most found me madd. Come to find out, at the end of my stay, a woman , wrote me a note, "i thought she thought i was a dweeb-" She sang praise to my oddities, and , after hanging with me fer a few, found MY tree, to be a character!As I depart, for the moment, I PRAY, "Molly the Cat, "finds her way OUT!This precious , tiny, nibblet of Gods' feline creatures, got herself, wedged between two buildings, and for TWO weeks, has cried out for rescue:( And , "i," think MY life has downfalls. Ishrink, at observing her dilemna and stride for freedom/water/food?!

There IS, Always Hope!

Cum to Papa-, I, have GOT 2 share! I just spent , "THE," most Fabulous time! I was Blessed to be able to play Spades, as well as converse with me ALL time, Best friend! electronically permitted, Of course!As , I lost, -203, SHE, acclaimed, 302:). Talk about , "Yin/Yang:). We conversed about my Last, jail time , spent! During that Down time, I came to a segment, where, I -GLADLY- came to the decision, "ENOUGH!" I , had masterfully plotted, on how to take out my face/head, against the wall, laiden with written comments, that made me wish to "Whoops!" I, had HAD it!I took a professional stance, and began, plot of deliverance! "RIGHT," before I collided with the wall of stone---my eyes, mtsteriously opened, and I was given the gift of being ABLE to percieve, "THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, WITHOUT, WE HAVE NOTHING!"Obviously, since I am blessed with the opportunity to jot this down to you, I did NOT collide:). In a menagerie of, "I need a bag!'" Cyndi sucks dick for a high," ETC., in a place , where I would LEAST expect- THE light shown through! Sumpthin', such as my best friends' and my, scores! We simple humans, THANK, we got it goin' ON?! And, allow me to point out an inescapeable fact. There ARE, millions of us, all over the place/planet, that know I'm not fibbing!Son of a buiscut, there are , just too, many instances, that may NOT be poofed away! You know it, and so do I! Lets take an example.Please! "TREES-" they have weathered storms, upon storms, yet, , very few, take the time to say "hello," to them! [SOMEBODY CALL THE THERAPIST 4 THIS ONE] I read in, "The Upper Room," that what we do to others, is a glorious opportunity, for the "GOOD," vibes, to reverberate, back! Makes sense.I spent a substantial amount of time, in a place, called Muncy State Penetentery. While I was ther, I adopted , THE most wonderous tree, we were UNable to grace its' branches, by nestling into. I was graced to be able , EACH/EVERY day, to pass it/her/him?, and speak with it:). Most found me madd. Come to find out, at the end of my stay, a woman , wrote me a note, "i thought she thought i was a dweeb-" She sang praise to my oddities, and , after hanging with me fer a few, found MY tree, to be a character!As I depart, for the moment, I PRAY, "Molly the Cat, "finds her way OUT!This precious , tiny, nibblet of Gods' feline creatures, got herself, wedged between two buildings, and for TWO weeks, has cried out for rescue:( And , "i," think MY life has downfalls. Ishrink, at observing her dilemna and stride for freedom/water/food?!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Well, then, there it is!

How???????? Does , one, reilinquish, the opposite, that , helped, create, SUCH magnitude?! "Vasoline!" And, a WHOLE lot of , so it is said, confidentuality! YEP,! I get to FALL, into, into my self absolvtion!"Led Zeppelin," is seradading me , at this moment! "Lady, you got the love "I" need?" I, beg, to differ!Mother Pluck- I have a pulse and a sense of creativity, that would floor you, ALL! IF- I were to find THAT someone, special, I feel, they wouldn't recon, what exactly to do with me!

         I, am told, I should knock off the dark lipstick? SCREW!, it goes with my freckles!BESIDES, "I," dig it! WHY?!, does so many, wish to, disassemble me?I'd L-O-V-E, to meet , THE person, whom could!Then, I'd , prat for their resiliance! I, CAN, be , a pestersome one! Heaven, I just about , piss everyone off! And, WHY? Are, they -THAT frightened?not me problem!                                Fact of the matter, IS- I'm finding, that, TOO, many, haven't a spine, so, they abuse MINE! The , weird part of it, IS, I don't even recognise , MINE! Ya'll, think , I'm stong woman? Gimme a break! I'm, more breakable, than , you've given , your right to acknowledge! I'm, just a Willow-------at times, I break! And, when I do, I-GO, KERPHLUBIE! I, am QUITE fortunate, that, there are more than "ONE," whom, stand beside me! I, have READ, in "The UPPER Room,! that -what one gives out, comes back, TEN fold! Peast de' leur' resistance', IT IS TRUE! NO, preaching, just a bit of know why! GO, ahead, deal with your own , story! And, then, print it to me! -&-Succeed! Peace Be Unto...

OHMIGOODNESS

i AM AFFRAID, that I have led you beautiful people, to fell, I'm cryin' da blues? Bless your care:). "What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger." Or- so I'm trying to believe:). Peoples, I'm o.k., But, here come the dandy part. I speak , bruitaly honest, and the trials and tribulations, I, indeed, weathered, but the cool part, is, for some wildly , sensational reason, I keep pluggin' forward. HEY- "WHAT CHA GONNA DO?" fold? Tee hee:).  "IF," you find that stong?! I wish everyone wouls explain to me, 'cause, I have a WHOPPER of a time, being able to see it?!I guess, I'm my WORST critic. I'm a dreaming Faerie, and I WILL , continue to landscape, plant veggies, and say "HI THERE," to purfect strangers, EVERY chance I get:). You should see me, whilst I walk with me walk-man , on----OHMIGOODNESS, it IS a riot. Especially, when , on this one station, they provide the 5 o'clock funnies! I bust out , laughing and commenting, and enjoying the moment. I've witnessed, sum-, take their new place, accross the street. Nope, I'm playing with most of the marbles, God gave me! I , simply, escape, properly, for a sec or two!There ARE , those , whom can't stand, that I am able to do that, on PURE air!9x, outta 10, one requires a substance, in which  for that to take place.WOW!, some get QUITE perturbed:). It just makes it MORE fun:). For those, whom have the kindness, to acknowledge me, THANKYOU, SO!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Can , you hear me?

SO-How Ya like me now? Yeah!, I know! BUT- there ARE, promising respits, on the horizon!I, haven't. allowed all this crap, to infect me! Alright, I DID, allow it to coloure my someone, BUT- I keep on, keeping on! I, have MORE intellect, than I ever , knew possible!I, may be a false, blonde- BUT, I have a mind!These Days!Well, Megan, took to me ,likeGLUE! I, am THE only one, whom can be there, when the anestisiactris, wear off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Jeepers, I actually spelled it:)And, I thought I invented a sniglette!Yeah!, I have  my senses, and dreams , of being a hillarious comic!My eye connection, would be AS good, as "Cosbys'", my facial gyrations, are , worth millions!ESPECIALLY, me eye contact!YET, sumtimes, Ya have to be there!In , order to benefit.Excuse me, whilst, I pay attention to my beast![that would be my cat]"Jesus," "He knows me, and IF Ya wanna get to heaven, Ya better treat me, right!"IF, Phil Collins can claime this, so can I!"Iv'e been talking to Jesus, all my life, and HE'S been tellin' me , that I'm alright!"O.K., so, I borrowed it! Fact of the matter, IS, you will , make a poop stain, outta yourself, without, ANY help from me!What da matter, TRUTH HURT? So, move beyond! THINK, I enjoyed, faceing the facts? NOPE!Fact of the matter, IS, we are All a bunch of skrewed up individuals, and THAT, is just- where it's at!The SAD part of it, IS- none of us, acclaime the GIFT, of someone else, to share it with! LET'S, get real! You. really think, you are THE only 0ne, whom has this tripp, to deal with?! GUESS what, I am there , too! THIS, is the reson, I desired to write this!I, was sick and flippin' tired, of feeling , like, "I," was , the ONLY!Skrew, there ARE, a LOT, of us, that have had our souls, trampled on!In, my opinion, someone, somewhere, best, say so! If not, we are all going to the bank, with a void check!ESPECIALLY, when one, thought it valid!Megan, STILL, hasn't given up! So- Why should you?!I'm NOT crying the blues! I, am, informing you, that, you R NOT alone!"IF,", I were, crying the blues, you'd know it!BUT- I am NOT! Nobody said, life , was going to be a dream.AND, 2 be quite honest..............I thought it WOULD be! Foolish mortal, that I was, it is a progression of lessons, that do NOT stop!AWE!, cum on, did you think it was going to be, easy?"Nothing GOOD, cums Easy!"THE- cool part of it, IS- when one wins, one gets OFF!Megan, hasn't had to have, ANY, more surgeries! And. as the world, gets wiser, she will NOT have it removed!I, have coaxed her, to make sure, she babies her head!The rest, is UP to me!AND- for the finale', we will BOTH. Make It!Because, GOD, don't make junk! I, thought, I made meself! Finally, I realised, how silly I was!

                   At , this point of OUR time, we have a SMALL castle, and a school district, that rocks the Casbar!Not only, are my children, moving FORWARD, but, I am , too!Gail, was a promonent figure, that I shunned! Although, I have learned, and am learning, the PRIZE, possessions, are worth thriving for!Even, ones' self!Life, isn't a joke! It's, a random chance, to make lucrid choices, and, then, live by them!Instead of, relapsing, my iniquities, I choose to, focus , forward! My book, for the moment, is DONE!

-I. am dealing with me own infimaties!Now! I, have Hepatitis "C," and then some! I , am deleating , and as I do, I become stronger and cuter! WHY?- BECAUSE, I refuse to die reasonably!I've , had, the Hep"C," for a long while! I, wasn't ready for what came next! Ya wanna play? Play THIS- CANCER! Yeah!- I was, an UNbreakable comb! Now, They wish to remove my innards! I, wish they would!I'm sick, and fucking tired, of taking this , saga, out on my friends and family, my hair------falls OUT!My innards , ACHE, and I bleed like a stuck pig!POOR PIGGY!--YET, it IS my destiny, to deal with the world, like a normal individual.All, SHALL be well! And, when it IS my turn to cash in, I , WILL go "out," with more dignity, than many can muster! I, WILL, leave , behind , plants that will flourish, and ALL , that I've collected, WILL be passed ON, to my kin!I, HAD, a whench named Marilynn, that "said,"she was my Mother, BUT- she wouldn't leave a prayer/ for anyone!Her husband, "Charles,"stayed by my side, through ALL that he knew, he helped, at one time, to create!Yet, I BEG, of you--- it's NOT the money or the stuff!!!!!! It, IS, the love, and the dedication! AND- IF, it wasn't, do NOT despaire! One can round ANYTHING- to , where, it fits! You------are NOT, an idiot!Nor, are you an imbosile!You are a human being, that is FULL, of promise and potential, the BUCK, does NOT stop here, one MUST arrive at their designation! Wanna know something? I REALLY, don't need to tell "U" anything , you haven't felt, ALL, BY YOURSELF! I, wouldn't let them take me down, so why should YOU?!

            Marilynn, said- that "anyONE I touched/loved, I kill!"and I believed her!BUT- that was HER story, NOT mine!I, paralized my son! BUT-, he walks through life with a Much better attitude, than I , could compose!'he,' "IS," paralized, but he provides , SUCH hope of forwardness, even we, that can walk, would take a NEW look at!Remember "Elton?" HE, is Zaks Daddy!!"I," Am, his Mother!And , I will be , forever!I, would carry that BOY, Around the world, on me back, "IF," that was what he wished!i , SERVED3, to 6, in "Muncy , State Penn,for , I WAS, the person, whom paralized him!He, was six months of age, and I carted him to a kabash!NEED, I say more?At, THAT time of my life, I "Thought," I had IT, going on!AND- I, wonder, why Elton, won't write back?! What the fuck, would I do, if , a person, outside the gates, kept bothering ME?!I, was ,  secure, and NOT, a threat! BUT- now that I am freedom bound, I, am a supposid threat!?-------------Flying Eyeballs!I'm the BEST thing, that EVER, happened to you and your person!YET-no matter what, you will NOT respond!SO!- I take flight, all by my lonesome!'Tis cool, for I AM , me and , if I don;t let you IN!-- you ain't , goin' NOwhere!FUCK- THAT, is what attracted you"Yer tellin', with me, in the FIRST place, THAT you just can't hide. "I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're talkin' in your sleep, that you just CAN'T keep!"....."Hold me, now!"------Asta Levista!

 

Mondays', well...

Being a single , woman--------------I, AM completing ALL issues of responsibility requirements! GIVE me a Badge, I , even moused me hair , well- what's left of it!BUT- that's NOT  the management!Boys and girls, I shant lie to you! After I booted , Alan!, I took it ALL back! I went on a ramage like no other! THIS- was my turn to get back , to what I am USED to! In , order to accomplise the girls, I CHOSE-NOT, to leave the house! When, I placed them to bed, -"it was MY time!"I, flippin' , earned IT?! So------I began, being introduced , to "CRACK!" THIS, was dandy! I hadn't any scars, and IT, allowed me to ESCAPE?! FACT of the matter, WAS[and always , shall be,] you can be sleeping with a professional ADONIS- but one , can't feel great!It's just NOT going to happen!Witch, made me more determined , to say NO! YEP!- I had , one of THE , MOST best , clients, twice a month, that, U could shake a stick at!!!!!!!!WHEN- I subsided, I ran into the dealers, periodicaly, and they were wondering, where I had gone?!    "I HAVE a life, these days! I, hope ,you , find one!",was my resonse! AND, I will justify , for the escape from reality, is NON-Existant!!!!NO, matter, HOW, I got whalloppped, I- ---succeeded! -----------Can You? You, Would kvell ,to EVEN, hang out in me flat! "Was it easy?" need I say more?BUT- the COOL , part, "IS," we , all have a chance."To, DANCE!"After, AND, during , my childs mega-surgeries!, "I," was , THE one, whom sustained her! NOPE!, I, simply loved her, enough, to , where, I CHOSE, Not, to leave! As, at , this moment, when, every time she goes into a surgery, THIS BITCH/,IS there!I, have experamented, with TOO , many , mood alterators! BUT- I," can ",stand , firmer, than MOST, others , whom I know! My, injectiles scars, are gone! They, Will NOT- return! Screwey part IS, I, at one time, was devistated, EVEN, by the , mere THOUGHT, of a "piercing!" STRANGE thing, IS- I delved into a world of, SHEER madness, JUST- to KILL, the pain??! Lately, I've run INTO, a few of THOSE providers, from time to time, and they SLAY me, tellin' me, "YOU-WERE, ONE of, my best customers!"--------------"I---- grew UP!" is all I HAVE to say!"and I delight, in the facial signitides, of the people, whom , THOUGHT, they had me , under their CONTrOL![here come Alan]NOT, today!

       just, IN case , you were , wondering?!- I'm VERY , short! BUT-, I've got a proudness, that would ISSUE YOU, licenence to stammer!I am NOT at the , level, to, where I have ability, to share a photo, but, perhapse, next week!

                    This book, IS NOT, 4 you, UNless, U apply it , to yourself! It's MINE, and I Hope, you can apply it, to YOUR-decisions!I, AM, sill, appliying it to my sense of realisation! CAN, you, adopt, the SAME?

Monday, Monday...

I'd appreciate, getting back, a bit, and I BEG your pardon, that I unleashed a verbal ejaculation on you. BUT- you canNOT tell me, that once in a while, one , has just GOT to get it out! Frustration , is a brat! I was having one of those times, where I challanged the fact, that, "God, doesn't give us  more than we can handle!" I , beg to differ[ crossed eyes.] Granted, I am still alive and kicking, but, darn, getting through it, sometimes depleates a person more than words!!!!!!!!!!!

        Let us turn the page, to my marriage. As I shared with you, Alan got worse and worse, with lies, binge drinking,lies,lies...       Each of our childrens births, were a horrid saga of shame! At, Ashleys' birth, I  had to chase him down, which he then, was so G-O-N-E, he decided to light up cigarrets in the contraction room! Now, we allegedly thought Ash was going to be a boy! THAT, is what the technician had said from the Ultra-Sound?! As a lot of his massive BUZZ ,wore off, as I Screamed- he decided that he's going for a bite to eat in the hospital cafeteria.I give you eight minutes, and she decided to come into my life! The staff frantically located him, as I did everything, scared and angry, by myself. As he reappeared to the floor, the desk nurse, announced how sorry she was! HE RAN, into the birthing room, blood EVERYWHERE, and I looked toward him, saying-"Honey, I'm so Sorry."Needless to say, with all the blood , and no babe in SIGHT, he thought the child had passed on.The kind doctor, put his two cents in, seeing Alans horror, by announcing, "You have a beautiful, baby Girl."Without skipping a beat, Alan says, "Why would you scare the shit outta me , like that ,bitch?" Weakened, I simply said, "It's not the boy you wanted:(" And, since Ashley was fine, and I wasn't alone , anymore, all was momentarily dismissed. However, I'll NEVER forget what he did:(. Life was a lot, much better, for a while, and when it wasn't, I bit my tongue and focused on "Peach Pit," Ashleys nick name:).Then, the beatings began.NO, not on Ash, on MOI"! From verbal abuse, which, I don't mind saying, is ALMOST worse than a good slap, and then came the extension cord saga??! BUT- I belive the worst , was, when IN FRONT of Peach, he , full fisted, put my head through the wall, blackened BOTH my eyes, and AFTER I attempted to kick his drunken body down the stairs of our home, which we lost-,he found a comfortable corner , and passed out!I HAVE to give credit, when it is due! No matter HOW hammered he gets, he never misses WORK! Which, of course, is his ACE in the hole, for I could not work, and so, "I provide for my family,you ALL, Need me!""Truth hurts, at times."Yes peopleHe is a master control freak:) However, so am I! Talk about locking horns?!As I think back to all of my existance, NOBODY told ME, what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yet, here was this letcher, dictating to me?!FUCK THAT! I , had had ENOUGH! The evening came, where he had come home, Again- blasted, although, THIS time, he made a play for my daughter[GRRRRRR...] so, I took me Babe into bed, with ME , and gave him space and the remote control , control, and said a prayer , or 12:). In finding, that he wouldn't take a profoundly , evident hint, he came in, began his pursuit, so, "at the time we had a cordless,] I , "Babe Ruth style," clocked the mother right over his eye:):). Would you believe, he called the police , on ME? Granted, I am sober as a rock, but the foolish 5-0, threatened to take ME to jail for assault, AND to place my beloved daughter, in Foster care? Have I missed something , here? Must be a guy thang:(. The police person, removed him, and that began a LONG string of P.F.A.s! Bottom Line, all, is MOST of out marriage, has been spent , Appart! After he crashed our Brand, New car, into a wall, exploding the air bags, ETC., he found new residence in Lackawanna County jail! His, "?beloved?" family , was left on their own.When, he came out, he , was , also, facing the loss of his Mother, Rose Anne Shooke.I'm a bleeding heart. Sheesh, I cry at "Hallmark," comercials, for I can RELATE! YES- peoples, I let another chance, take it's place of the rage and disgust. THEN----Megan Tyler, was concieved. Ashley, was scooting about, on her OWN legs, at the ripe 'old age of three and 1/2, pushin' Four. THEN, one night as the Babe lay , asleep, Alan arrived home, late and drunk. I'd had enough, AGAIN. So, as I was trained to, took the keys to MY car, from the wall, and gently told him, "I hope you feel better, I'm going for a ride!" I , was STILL, sober and 34 months pregnant. He , was NOT in the mood to allow this wish of mine, to be fullfilled!  "THAT," was my solace! I drove around, carefully, with the music , SO LOUD, I could detect the notes, reverberating from my cillia hairs:):):). He, decided to wrestle me to the floor , in a choke hold, and obtained the keys! "Skrew U , jackass, I'm taking the baby to bed , and you may exit to H-E- doulble toothpicks!"I'm pretty sure, he just couldn't handle the stairs, and we slept, somewhat peacibly. The next morn., Before I got to get out of bed, my water broke!OHMIGOODNESS, I forgot to tell you a choice reality, of this part of our life! Being a HIGH risk pregnancy, and a softy, I had met this girl, whom had , ALSO , sustained some bruisage from the dude she was spending time with, and Alan and I , allowed her respite and a place to stay, so as we could help her, and she, me!Ashley, was QUITE energetic.Now,since my contractions , had NOT began, I continued around , making coffie and getting the bags together. YES, friends, I called the doctor and some kind friends, TOO!Here we go, Alan, burdts through the door, screaming, "What is wrong with you, you stupidc_ _ t, you have to get to the hospital!""Alan, my contractions , haven't began, and you, are my ride." We got to the hospital, in PLENTY of time!Still, NO contractions! Therefore, my doctor, [am i allowed to name him?] for he was a divine doctor, so YES- I , shall name him! "Dr. Erroll Goldstein," attended us, [ Megan and I] for, AGAIN, untill Alan showed, he primed himself:(.Megan wasn't EVEN thinking of arrival, heck, she was EARLY?! I was put on an I.V. , of saline, in whih to enduce labor, for, without the embiotic fluids , around her, she was HIGHLY , susceptable to infection, and Dr. G, felt all would be well. It, took a good , long while, afore the party began:)., and Alan plagued me , with having to watch, "Jerry Springer!" can you see his mind space?" As the intense!!!, which Dr. Erroll  informed me, this type of delivery, IS, the MOST excrusiating, BEGAN! At least, Alan was there, for I grabbed that son of a buscuit, by the back of his HAIR, and begged ANYONE, to kill me/let me die, you'll be enough for the children!I lived! BUT, Megan Tyler, came upon us , at 2lbs.3oz! She was rushed to an incubator, and FOUGHT for her next breath!My, beloved Gail, can tell you, I don't listen well!Matter of fact, there are a few kindred friends/family, that will seal that knowledge of INESCAPEABLE fact! So, one can planely realise, "THINK, I didn't travel the back halls to tend to her?!At the last of my runs, Ms, Megan, was NOT responding:(:(:(. So, as I cried, I called , Alan, to come and help. WHAT'S HER NAME, answered the phone! "UH, he's in our bed, and I'm NOT going to disturb him! he's had a heck of a night!"   ----FUCKIN' WHAT?????????------------that, WAS AND is, THE LAST STRAW! I began to dress, A.M.A., and WAS, going to walk home, but a blessed aquaintance was THERE, and chariotted me , seven blocks, H-O-M-E! AFTER, I took her by the hair and face, and led her to , outside, I packed her belongings, ['cept for her plates, she owed me!] and placed them tenderly , upon the porch, for her, to be able to access!I, have NEVER seen/heard from her again!I'm a hippie! I make things grow, not, impale them!I, impaled her!and she was a lot stronger/bigger, ---A MOTHER SCORNED!Without , further spaceage, "Megan, is o.k.!" BUT- not , without , seven brain surgeries, in which to place, what is called , a "Shunt." She is Hydrosephalic.That, is where the person, canNOT expunge[hi Mom], ones fluids, from her brain. SUM, call it, "WaterHead???????" Gag me! "IF," I get , TOO down in the dregs of my mind, I look at her! What an inescapeable reminder, that, I CAN, do anything, when LOVE, is involved! Alan, at this day, resides above some bar, in "West Side!" He wishes to come home. "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!"cOME TO FIND OUT, he's said, to be doing Crack and Heroine? I, am NOT!

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Will I ever , BE- Forgiven?!

I, have RE-read my script. I, BURST forth, with waves of solemn emotion. Fact of the matter, IS, this is , THE , most theraputic release , I have , quite frankly, ever had!I am NOT posing, NOR, am I meeting ANYones standards. I, am being, ME! Perhaps, you should give it a shot, one time, and see what it brings to you?I , have enveloped myself, within a realm of SILENCE, and , I canNOT, distinguish the aspects of INK-BLOTS, in order, for someone, whom doesn't know me from a can of paint, to distinguish, my soul! I don't give a flying , fig neuton, how much anyone, gets?, to pay he/her, they don't know , what makes me tick! Jeepers, at 42 years of age, I'm STILL , trying to figure me, out?!

              I, am listening to "YES," it's called, "Going for the One," and I am becoming , painstakingly aware, that I am NOT the 1st person, to feel, the way I do! PERHAPS- That, is why I feel the desire, to write this book.

Friday, April 7, 2006

I, will be with you , again!

...fact, of the matter, IS!, I am one sarchastic bitch and  I should stop , NOW! I, haven't anything , more to say, that will make sense! I, am 2 tired!

We, HAD us a TIME!

Wanna know something? "It's a highway ticket, to midnight@!"CALL it, Heavy Metal NOISE!" Back in the day, we jammed, even the strongest substitute..............DOWN under! We, ALL, 'cept some, were a bunch of scrawney MOTHERS! YET-, we established a documentational realm of existance! From being one of THE , most UNdesireable notions to follow, I, came to be one of the BEST-----and looked towards! When I was MUCH shorter, than I was , then, I was THE mouse effect!!!! I, was squishable!AND, had NO, formidable attitude, that would EVEN be acknowledged!BUT-, now, I had the world, in the palm of me hand!!!!!!!! "Kiss my ASS!", I have something , you couldn't EVEN have DREAMED of , when you were Taller!"DIG, me, Baby,"--     EVEN, the MOST baddest, mothers, couldn't lay a pinky on me!"PARENTAL UNITS?, skrew!!!!!!! Now, let us get Honest- i was a premature ejaculation! The pluck, I , had ANY idea, that this was EVEN possible!!!I, Finally , RULED! U-N-T-I-L-L!    "reality, WHAT a concept!" Peoples, let us ALL, get REAL-! Life, is a trial and tribulation, of this, that ,and such! I, was taken into a ?homestead?, of, WHAT, only to be unleashed , upon the world, as WHAT? It , took me 42 years of NONattention, to figure out , that I had a darn,BIG issue, to prove!Anyone, feel , similar? Let US, move forward, into Reality!

                 Here I come, invariably determined! I , landed into a "town," where I could RULE, with my indescribable , insatiable intellect of power, and lure! I, hit it, and I hit it , with BOTH sides of the brain!PLEASE, I hadn't the faintest, idea, the destruction, I was able to cause! Lest, I skrewed EVERYONE, up!I, was a medium sized ,bundle of MASS detruction------------did I know? ---NOPE! I, began a trial and tribulation of "Socratice'"I, was , destruction, in desguise! Ask, me, IF, I am proud of that?! nope! BUT-at that time of my existance, I, thought I was the "Queen of Arts." The, path of demolition, I left behind, made , "Ponius Piolet," look like a fool! I, began, and did NOT quit!UNTILL, I was caged, once again, and-----lest, TRUTH------was ALL, I had to , be able to face!I, had abled to, bury myself, afore, ANYone, had the chance , to!"Fuck, ME?----FUCK, YOU!" You won't EVEN , get a remote chance!skrewball! I've been skrewed, a time or two, before, YOU , can't TOUCH me!REAL, nice , attitude, huh!YEAH,! I'll , fuck you, first, afore you EVEN cum NEAR!       nifty attitude, HUH!? Try, living, that way!--------------------New, Fresh sheets, are lookin' GREAT, right about now! Wanna know, somethin'?Here , I am, groping at progression, and FUCKIN' gettin' a twisted finger on it!!!!!!!!!! STILL-, my stuffed, plush , soft-BEAR-! It , amazes me, that she still, IS there 4 me. Not even a credit collection, agency, can rob her from me!

I, believe, it's about time...

Let US, get back to the scenario, at hand?! I, believe I covered a WHOLE lotta ground, of my existance. So- WHERE was I? Oh-YES, in gosh ,darn INdeedie! You have joined me through a bit of Prison time, and allow me to introduce you to , the next saga, of the WAY OUT! I HOPE, you , all, don't seriously know---what cums after Prison! No Doubt, it's interresting!-BUT- it AIN'T the end!!!!!!!!! THIS- is WHERE, one gets the gumption, to REevaluate, and , THEN, move forward!   Have you , ever, heard of, "Forest Gump?"  Now, this is ,a, supposid individual, whom ONLY sees, THINGS, in a rarely , simple measure! How DEvine, if more people, were to view thangs, that way! I, guarantee U this! A, WHOLE lot more persons, wouldn't require "ProZacK." I, have found, WAY, too many, feel, that a simple pill, can REconstruct????! "BALDERDASH!""if,"someone, has "medical coverage," one can Git Fixed? PLEASE, gimme a REAL break! I, actualy, know of , quite a few, whom believed it! Most of 'em are DEAD, now.

                   My cat, wishes to , say, HEY!Talk about a loyal companion! Too, bad, humans, didn't realize, what desires they could harvest!OH!, somebody swat me, I am rambling! YES!-leme go back to the instigator, of the script!  I, was Finally , released from Prison, and I Arrived HOME???????! Ain't , that sweet.ONLY- to arrive with an attitude, to exume ANYTHING , in front of my SELF destruction! I got set down in, Scranton, Pa., and I went KERFLOOBIE! I , did this and that, and THEN, I met Alan.Here, was an individual, whom was as-OR more warped than me, BUT- he was better at presenting it! TALK About, BELIEVEABLE? He, could talk someone , into going ---------------somewhere, they REALLY, did NOT wish to go. and have them , JOYFULLY, wave Adios', as, they departed! Yeah. I THOUGHT, I knew it ALL! UNTILL!

Ya know-, ALL this, inescapeable Honesty, has got me , tired!Besides, "I," have to go get the babes! Yeah, I'm , walking. The, insurance, is A Lot, LESS expensive! As, I have , found! A.O.L.,- in, comparrison, to, "Call Alert," is, excrushiatingly different! It makes, a person, cringe, as, ONE, finds out, the fountainable difference, that, SOME, seem to find, O/K/?! I have a vallid question! Are there ANY, out there, that aren't THAT concerned, with the dollar signs, of EVERYthing?! Are, everything that, rings up to, how MANY dollars, it arrives at, find THAT, 2 be THE ultimate faction of , their organism??????????? UNfortunately, I didn't think so!THE- Almighty Dollar, doesn't EVEN squeal, whence, pleasured!!!! and THAT, is the TRUTH!----NO!- YOU, R NOT odd!!!! From what I am finding, TRUTH, IS, an abdomen crusher!Allow me, 2 set me straight! YES!, I am , one peeved individual! Fact of the matter, IS- I, do NOT feel, ANYthing I have stated, has got your innards, in, THAT, much, of a binch! SKREW- IF, you&i, can escape this indescribable episode of horrid honesty, --"Get Off The Cross, SOMEone, else, needs the wood!"  Oh, YESSsssss, I can see, YOU, clearly, saying, "What a pathetic Bitch!" "Who's the bitch?" "IF," you've NOT , a spine, THEN, disperse from my sight! BUT- before, we get REAL/real, take a look, DEEP inside, and don't LIE to yourself! It gives you more acne, than you can handle! TRUST ME---Been there/DONE Weasles! NOW!-what cha gonna do, now?

hOLD ON, i'M ABOUT TO CUM!

Pardon me, BUT- I'm writing these bodaceous blogs of my reality!:) Reason being, I haven't been AS consistant with me enteries, I've had a WHOLE lot, going on, these days!I lost an associate, thought me hisband kicked the bucket[i meant to say hisband, rather than husband!]You'll understand, as I ellaborate!My DEAREST, EarthMother, has been winding all the loose ends, for , their family, can't become that close , due to ,"Self adulerated UNawareness, and they , knowing full well, she is TOO kind and "Golden Hearted," to say "no:(!"Besides, the fact, that "Suzie," was HER friend/person, TOO!------I ASK of , you ALL, to send a prayer, 4 , EarthBaby, ain't no joke, and she is "OH, SO tired!"STILL-she , ALWAYS- , makes room for us ALL. The reality, of this , whole scenario, makes me wish to ralph! Whom EVER, stated the inconsistancy of , "it's COOL, to drug enhance your world, to move further?, needs to be prodded!You see, THIS- IS what I THOUGHT, was cool?! BOINK that! You see, I , MOST likely, could have done a WHOLE lot better, than to follow the UNcertainty!   Has, ANYone, ever heard of the expression, "The acorn DOESN'T fall 2 far from the tree?"Hey Babies, it's SO true!no disrespect intended!I am finding out, that MORE than "me," are realizing this INescapable F-A-C-T!For me, Thank GOD, I have this outrageous Spirit/Soul, which I believe , came from the ground UP! Blast!- I should have been -GONE- way AGO. Quite simply, it ISN'T all UP to me, Thank Goodness 4 that!Ya know- lemme, get back to my first foremat.See you, in the next saga:). Peace Be Unto...

 

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

ON!, to the next excursion!

Here I go, again! I am permitting , myself to stray from the whole prison scene. AWE!, so kill me. I, Will rekindle, but I am in rare form. I'm exhausted , and am listening to "Our House," in the middle of our street?! We had a dinner, this evening. I/We, provided some tasty morsels of this/that/and the other thang! I'm recovering. Yet- all had a Dandy time, and shown sides of worth that were UNdeniable!I, was most pleased! For, I've not had A chance to have friends stop by, for QUITE some time. Fact of the matter , IS, I'm going to die, soon. And I am elated, for cool company!I threw some of the MOST, bodaceous parties, this side of the Mississippi!BUT- this one , was a Gala, with food and promise. It's hard to breathe, so I should probably, take my meds, and lay the body down! I, USED to think , that life was an ONgoing process! The more fun, one had, the better it got!if, ANYONE tells you, there is a possibility, that one might run outta steam, don't find 'em wrong! Fact is, they have something righteous to determine! NO matter what you have gone through, NO ONE, is, exempt!UNbreakable combs------BREAK! I, USED 2 think I had it going on!Fact of the matter , IS-I'm as human as the next person. I AM destructable! And, 4 the most part, I did it to myself. When you are young, One feels, there is NOTHING, that can bring ONE down! It , usually begins with pains and aches, one --------passes off as ,GAS!Gimme a break, it taint no gas, it IS , ones body , giving reality a burp!

              I, have Hepatitis C/cancer/Neuroticism, and God knows what else?!I have children and a Dude/Husband, whom couldn't give a FigNeuton, about anyone, INcluding, himself!BUT-I continue to learn. 'Tis a a darn shame, I can't place the coolness, in his eyes. I require a boyfriend, like people need the air that they breathe! My daughters, are astounded, STILL- they attempt to figure me.I, simply pray, that my UNadulterated weirdness, sinks in, for to give them the strength,  that they will require, 'cuz, life ain't NO joke!

Please allow me to tripp back, fer a sec...

Ya know, as one, ME, is writing in this , and I'm posing my skitz, I become so enveloped, that I MUST , go back and highlight some of the scenarios! SO- before I get into the saga of the marriage to Alan?!, I wish to shine a little light on my stay at "Muncy Stae Pen." I, have gotten away with EVERYTHING, to a point, in my life. UNTILL, that horrible , arrival at "Muncy!" I'll NOT forget it! As my hands were "cuffed," behind my back , whilst in the police car, upon our arrival, I looked up, and all I could see, was RAZOR WIRE, topping the entireity of the top of the fence! "Oh the fuck NO," was all I could utter, "THIS , I canNOT handle!"As they attempted to remove me from the cruiser, I grabbed onto the seatbelt, and WOULD NOT LET GO! Needless to say, they pried my hands , free, and placed me in "their," custody:(. I was then, put through tasks, I wouldn't wish on "Osama Bin Laden!" They explored every orafice I had, and some I didn't wish them to! Now, for over a year, I had been placed on Xanax, and Elavile, for my anxiety/depression. Truth be told, it was the only way for my hobbling ass , to get through a day!They did NOT, permit my cane for walking, either! So, they named me "GIMPY!" I , was then, placed in the medical unit, for observation, in a room, locked TIGHT with TWO , COLD, HARD doors, [AFTER,] THEY THREW SOME KIND OF POWDER ON ME, AND bLASTED ME WITH COLD WATER, out of a fire hose apascratice?! Well, I don't have to tell you, I NEEDED my Xanax, at that point! When they told me, "NO MORE XANAX!", I became hysterical! Alas, the doors OPENED:). only to find a three hundred lb. guard, resembling Nurse Ratchet, with a billy club . She whapped that door, and told me, "Another yelp, and we'll put you in R.H.U.,{restricted housing unit.] "Where you can scream your lungs out, and NOone will care!" Truth be told, I bit the pillow, and passed the fuck out! I spent four or so days in this horrible quarters, sweating my ass off, and cried like never before.[into the pillow!] When I was allowed to be placed in D.C.C., [diagnostic classification center,] we had windows,w/ mesh, and I got to meet the skunks. Late at night, the cutest skunks came to visit us criminals, so they could have food thrown for them:). The first meal, I was given , was Cat Fish:(. The darn thing was IN-TACT! Head and all, ....and I had been privy to MANY odd , different foods , in my life, BUT- this was way too wierd!!!!! Needless to say, I was hungry, YET, the head, stayed whole!The body of the fish, was kinda tastey! Since it was Summer, we were allowed to "Yard OUT," once a day. This was a fenced in area, complete with a volleyball net, and tables, where we could play "SPADES!" Only thang with Spades, is, they play for Green Sheets, one's paperwork to freedom! They were scarily serious about the game, and IF, one were to displease their partner, WELL! Now, I had played Spades for a long time, on the streets, but I required a QUICK upgrade! I earned it."When in Rome:)" There was ONE woman, I'll never forget. "Kim Morris!" As a matter of fact, when my Daddy , finally got to come and see me, he was CONVINCED," she was a he" She was burly and built like a brick shit house, with a grumbling , solid voice, to match! One day, at Yard OUT, we were playing Spades, and a Lady Bug, landed on my shirt. As I cupped her in ULTIMATE joy, because of my Hippiness and her tiny promise, Kim , reached accross and bapped my hand into Ms. LadyBug:(.  WITHOUT a THOUGHT, I sprang up, and yelled with severe fervor,"WHAT THE FUCK, DID SHE....she'sjustalittlebug...." At that point, I KNEW, I was going to DIE! To my amazement, Kim began to look QUITE  angry, and then began to laugh her ass off. The other , NEW women, feared FOR me, too. Kim announced, that I'd just, done WAY , TOO much ACID, and if ANYone bothers me, they;ll have to deal with HER! My friends, from that point on, prison life, simply got better, for my ice was broken! I, REALLY, hadn't done so much L.S.D>! I, believe, it was all the glue I USED to huff out of a paper lunch bag. BUT- As the days further, forward, I made more skunk friends, and convict ones, TOO! Lemme give you an example:):):):). At THAT time in my life, I sported my family , last name, spelled GERCHOV[CROSSED EYES.] iT, IS PRONOUNCED [ GER-SHAWVE,] ! wHEN, IN PRISON, AT THAT TIME, ONE MUST BE ADDRESSED, WHEN IT'S THEIR TURN TO SHOWER. One night, they called upon me, to take my turn.DEAR LORD,  all I heard, and SO did EVERYone else, was, "JERKOFF,' "get wet!" PLEASE, don't EVER say, it can't get any worse!The laughter exploded! And, enraged, freaky , lil me, screamed out the mesh portal, "GIMME A FUCKIN' BREAK, WHERE IS YOUR CREATIVITY?" who's name would EVER, be JERKOFF?" I was told where to go, and, I humbly took me shower! After that, was lock down, for the night. Lest, my little friends of the stinky kind, knowing full well, I'd have succulent tidbits of "Granola Bars with Chocolate chips," readied for them! My cellie, Cyndi, whom took the top bunk, due to my infirmaty, ALMOST fell OFF! As , I fed my friends, two skunks, went for the same chunk.[oh-no] As they posed confirmation for THAT chunk, they decided it was neccessary to pull out the BIG sprays!WELL--------that was all she wrote! The ENTIRE block of incarcerated D.C.C. women, went off, one by one! For GOD'S sake, light a cigarette! "DamnIT, Moonpuppy, knock it off!" The OTHER , humerous fact, was, that due to  my accident with the car, I had NO SENSE of smell!!!!!!!! Cyndi, couldn't stop laughing , and neither could I! At that point, a Guard, called "Ms. Oliver,"whom, came to the cell door, mandating , that I close the window, or ELSE![R.H.U.] "Gimpy, you're something else!" I feel, I'd definately made my mark, on the lot of us:).