Monday, July 31, 2006

I am learning something, EVERY day!

           LIFE.... is SO not a joke!Back in my day.......I, THOUGHT, I knew it ALL, and then some?! As, I gain years, I am finding , that I don't know squat!The COOL part of it, IS, I'm less , far off, than I figured Iwas. For REAL, fer real, I'm NOT such a goof, as I thought I was:o!

        This morning, I was given the opportunity, to play Spades, ONline, with a few , WAY cool others, and , we had a blast! We didn't know eachother, from a can of paint.............YET, we goofed around, whilst some won resilliantly, over the others! As, we played, we kibbitzed and , just got ?abnormal?!No one, was playing for Pink slips, we were JUST playing, on a Monday morning, and having F-U-N! WHAT a joy!

           NOPE!- - - - -  I'm NOT saying that I was doing sumpthin' that can be cast as ......prominent! B-U-T, it was to me:).

          I am cascaded, with Tarot readings, that are supposed to be related to myself?!, And ,  my patience of the arrival of Elton, and his romance............well, I MUST be patient! Perhaps it's me imagination, but I -periodically- - - see him cruising through me alleyway, something like, he's watching over the girls and I, despite, his horrendous lines of self duty. The Cards, say , I MUST be patient. AND, so does me heart and soul.I, can't EVEN find the gumption, to Fathom, being on the States' papers, any longer! It's , like, having a rash, without any cream!!!!!!! So, I remain, TRUE! "IF," it is meant 2 be, it'll BE!

   children and I, had one of THE Best days, we've EVER had! Our old Church, provided, "Worship in the Park!" THIS , is where all The Church Family, gathers together, in Nay Aug Park, within the Pavillion, for a Service, then a berrage of food.........and THEN, "paid in full," all, may swim and go on the waterslides/rides, paid for ,by GOD! Some, attend the Service, and then depart. BUT- sum, stay and kibbitz and love, untill the end! I , am proud to say, we were three, that "Hung Out," with Pastor Betty, and spoke of all we wished to. My RADICAL sunburn, was WELL worth it!And, I can't EVEN begin, to ennunciate, on the joys of my children, and what they shall recall, for the rest of their lives!!!!!

         Now,- - - -THIS may seem petty, to 2 many. BUT- when you come from an existance , where you were an imbosilic , selfcentered fool!- - - - well, one, ME, has a WHOLE bunch of pride and gratitude, that one can rarely find! At 42 yrs., of age, it's about darn time, I began doing things, of which I can be fond of!

      My years of growing up,- - - - - - well, I am UNable to recall too many joys, that I wish to reflect upon:(. BUT- I broke the mold, and made some GREAT progressions! Since I wasn't thrilled with the memories........I chose to alter ! I'm not precisely great! BUT- I'm trying to recreate a dismal upbringing, that just doesn't NEED to be.

            NONE of us are purrrfect! However, we ALL have the capeability to move forward. It's NOT easy! BUT,- it IS possible! I'm living proof.

        My Dad, placed bets, that I wouldn't make it , past 16 years of age! I'm 42, and I'm better than I ever was! No matter what yer scenario IS, "IF, Ya set yer mind to can do wonders!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'm lookin' fer a home, and I hope I find it!

It's been a while, since I logged in. But, that's o.k., because, I kept it REAL, and , now, I actually have  SOMETHING relative to say.  "Summer," has been a pip! My children and I, have been BLESSED with CAMP, every day, complete with field tripps, ETC.! I, have been able to provide a structured and complete Summer, they can reflect upon and be proud of! The LORD, has blessed us , with this ability to grow, experience and blossom , into righteous women, whom , not only found themselves, but, also, found others, whom had their own  life given speed bumps!

          THIS- is , also , the Summer, when ELTON, found me:). He, hasn't contacted me , in OVER three weeks, BUT- I Know he cares, and with him being JUST outta prison, he has more mileage to be concerned with, that, I believe I understand, he , simply, hasn't the time to dedicate, to a family, whom wishes to envelope him ENTIRELY!

       This, is also, the Summer, that claimed the life of my step mother, whom cared more, to END her misery, most of the LIFE I knew her in, and, FINALLY, SHE GAINED HER WISH.She adored her parents!!!!!!!!! And, she , also, ADORED , my Uncle David! David was the gay personality, male, of my , so called family, and he was THE , Most gentle and charismatic soul , I have had the honor to meet.He, was one of me favorites! Yet, GOD claimed his BEAUTIFUL soul, and brought him home. Ya know, there IS a THANG, that pisses me off, and it hurts. Since, I have lost Marilyn, AND,as my biological Daddy , resides in The Home, and JUST WAITS!, "ALL," that was left for no one, , INCLUDING, a painted  portrait of my Uncle David, is lost to the dumpster??!:(- - - -WHY? - - -!

            All , is NOT lost! I was BLESSED, with a photo of him, that would leave MOST people with a pulse, speachless! He was a prominently handsome man, with more aura, than MOST, could merely dream of! Besides THAT treasure, I was given a sleuw, of photos, including me:0, and , my Dad ,has pics of Marilyn, whence I never could have pictured! THIS- assisted my ability , to , somehow, fathom, the reason for my fathers addiction to her! She was ,THE most succulent beauty, one could lay eyes upon! Her skin, was as of a porceline doll, with cascading , red hair, tossed down her back. Yeah- I know, I've slayed the shit outta her!  But, she had it goin' on, and , THEN, came down with some odd disease, which ripped up her skin with red sores that would bleed,  and when she sought help from a dude/Dermatologist,Dr. Goldstone,  the bastered burned scarrs in her face, and her dream was ended! After that, she hurdled down the destitute spiral, and Charles, my Dad, felt stupid, for not being able to aide her. He. then, PAYED , all he could, YET, could never replace what she held so dear.

           She became impregnated, thrice, yet, was left with miscarriages. SO- he bought me. I, was the one, whom she wished to mold in the array, that -SHE, could never display. They forgot about SOUL/ stamina, to be me own person! All , that followed, just got MORE f-ed up, and, we became THE , or one of,the most DISfunctional families, that ever existed. It, only got worse.

           BUT- she , despite her odd , and VERY MISunderstood  self , besides those whom despised her, me included, I happen to believe, she IS, at LAST, rejoined with her blessed parents , AND-David! And I'm not madd , anymore! I, simply, couldn't understand. SHE TRIED! did i, I hope she can see that, now. With ALL honesty, I was a vivacious BITCH, to her! I, loathed her, with a passion! And, I plagued her with a berrage of ammo, you wouldn't even think I could aquire, let alone, conjure! There , is NO excuse, of what I pasted that woman with! During the Winter months, we would reside in Pompano Beach, Fla.,912 Pine Dr., with her Parents, and THERE, was where we spent Christmas. I, was made to develope NEW friends, in a raw school, and , as I hooked up with these new people, I was invited to a PG - movie, and I was shot down, to the point of embarrassment. Now, since Marilyn was scarred so badly, she spent HOURS, painting a facial applicae' , like her skin was almost normal, and her make - up/mirror, was her sanctuary! So- since she derailed my desire, I took her lipstick/her flavorite one, and drew - -"PIG "- - -on her mirror! "That will teach her," i thought. It destroyed her, for, I went directly for her juggular, and I hit it , ten fold. I , was 11 yrs old???! Need I say more, of why I became what I did?!

                 During these episodes, I felt, justified and right...........I feel like a piss-ant, today!However- I, REALLY , didn't understand, and if you knew all the ramifications, that where involved, you'd , probably have slapped her.

            The , WAY cool thing that has come from my existance, is that- I'm not so tunnel visioned , as I once was, and it has Blessed me with the ability to percieve myself, in a more prominent light, and , it wasn't ALL my fault, that I couldn't fix her. For real, fer real, I gave it my best shot, for quite some time, but, I have my own pulse!

          Ya know- all is NOT lost! What I encountered, left me at an outstanding chance, as to NOT do to my Cherubs, what I had to endure. I THOUGHT, I was going in a direction, rebelliously opposite, from Marilyn! However- I have , so far, raised my girls, in a fashion, which is complimented and praised. I am a stickler, for proper form! My children, have wittnessed me , saving a dead squirrel, and placing it in a proper burial place, and saving tiny birds , whom have fallen from their nest. As a matter of fact......other children, in our neighborhood, come to call upon me, to do the same!I, of course, wash me hands, after the fact, BUT- I am known , as the helper.

            I wish to Thank you, for allowing me to vent! I , haven't the time or the funds, to contract a professional person, whom, to me, could give a fig-neuton, of what /nor whom I am/think or feel! YET- this escape, gives me the delight, as if I were driving a stick shift car! Ya can't go ANY where, if ya don't shift , properly!  With cascading accross the keyboard, with few mistakes, for me, is like shifting! I cry, a lot, as I release my thoughts,and, IF , anyone cares, but, it's not really, for you. If, it helps/entertains you - - - -YIPPIE! But-, it assists me, as well.

            I am trying to share this with my friend, too! I simply cannot understand , how to make it public, rather than private??! If anyone could guide me in this, I'd be grateful. Thanks fer listening.And, if you find, that you have the resound need to explode on one, whom you can't in the least, understand....PLEASE, take a moment to regroup, and cast it from your fault! None of us , know it all. It takes QUITE a bit of patience and understanding, but you'll feel MUCH better, after the fact, ceases to exist, and Ya can't do a whole lot about it. JUST a thought:)- We , ALL, have our own stuff, that we can't seem to speak of. I'm , just a bit saddened, that I wasn't taught to realize it, before I learned it, "all by myself."

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Dear LORD- the things we learn...

As you have read, the entry afore.....I was a madd cow! How dare I! With the assist of my beloved cousin/Mother, ironed out the truths, that were NEVER shared with me.

     On the topic, of me, getting kicked to the curb....i was SO wrong! My Dad, Charles, on "his," death bed, despite all the rotten stuff this Marilyn woman has dealt him, ....made a deal, with the landlord, whom purchased his house from him, being, that, all things left after death, would be his, so that she could continue to reside there, in the last moments of her life, had a solace to reside!

         YES!- THIS, meant , I shant get anything that was left behind, B-U-T, during her entire, miserable life , of sucking up all materialistic pleasures/items, that she could land her soul empty mitts on, he , finally, put it to good use, and provided her a quiet place to die.

          What a substantial lesson of selflessness, however what she couldn't help to infect, for whatever her aching reasons , were, he turned it around, and "DID WHAT HE HAD TO DO," to cushion her demise , by her own infections!

          You see, you couldn't see/hear, what I did! Now, I know I couldn't , EVEN ,have begun to understand it! As a rebellious , hurt individual, I CLAIMED , as well as believed, I had ultimate knowledge??! FOOL, that I was, I knew NOTHING.For real, fer REAL, I still don't! And, at this point of my realizations, I'm not sure I wish to! However, I chose to quit trying to.

         I put , myself, and TOO many, whom adored me, through pangs of devistation, I couldn't even HOPE, to recoil! For WHAT? I'll tell you WHAT! It provided me, a chance, to hurt , my own ways/reasons, so that I could capture this relevation, and apply it to my senseless existance, and GROW!

          I didn't go to Church, this morning. I was exhausted, from these revelations, and , FOUND GOD, right next to me, in my/HIS house. I took the opportunity, to call Charles, my Dad, and tell him, point blank, "Daddy, I am Honored, to be your daughter!" "I am so proud of you, and , whether you told me shit, straight up, or not, the outcome of the sincere honesty, behind your actions, WERE outstanding!" He taught me, without having to stand up!

          I shared with Gail, "There is MORE promise, to let someone know their praises, rather than their faults, with a sting!" We all have something to say. YET- what are the reasons, for we , actually, know nothing at all-

       Maque' way for the Lemon Parade.       SOMETHING, to ponder....

Friday, July 7, 2006

I, JUSt gotta let it out!

It's been a while.....since I've added to my Precious book. NOT- that it's been boring! Quite the opposite, lots, has been occuring.

       THIS, addition, is going to be, one of THE, most mind lurching!

             Marilyn, has passed on. In speaking with my Dads' bestfriend, I am informed, that with the multitude of possessions, she, AND he, have left behind, I am NOT privy to anything! Allow me to be more clear. Marilyn, became pregnant, twice , in her marriage to my Dad, yet, miscarried. SO- Daddy, impregnated another woman, to provide her with a toy..........ME! This was so that she could mold a real life doll. Granted, I was BOUGHT! You see, Daddy bought her anything she wanted, and he hooked up, hired one of his Jewish lawyers, and purchased me. O.K., this COULD BE COOL, but, they didn't plan on getting a doll with her own attitude! So, after a while, I became tired of the disfunctional brigade of the life I was purchased into, and I formed my own desires and MIND!

          Well, lemme tell you, Marilyn didn't like this a bit. Thus, began the intense hatered for me. Let alone, the FACT, that I was my Dads' BIOLOGICAL daughter! Then, came the fact, that I drew closer to him, rather than her. Dear people, I was batting a thousand odds, so, they sold me! At the age of 11, I was shipped off to boarding school. Yes, I mentioned this , afore, but, it plays a significant part in this ! THIS, out of "4", more boarding schools, was where I learned the magical traits of self destruction, and how to apply them!

        "No, but seriously," folks, nothing like feeling INSIGNIFICANT! I, was a pawn, and was COMPLETELY aware of it.Thus, I began my reign of TERROR! I succumbed to drugs/alcohol/and a life of devistating my most precious abilities to nurture myself, or ANYone, whom cared for my better traits.I have given birth to MANY children, as well as aborted , more than 12! I, was looking for any love, in ALL the wrong places, for I sure wasn't reaping any from home.

        "NO," I am NOT orchestrating a "WOE IS ME," story! These , my friends, are simply THE facts! For real, fer REAL, I HAVE WON!     I, have a beautiful, GOD centered, life, despite their material , disfunctional, existance , which , included me, fer a sec!     BUT- back to my reason for sharing.

                Now that Marilyn has passed, and , I AM a poor woman, whom digs her belongings, despite the lack of TAGS in the shirt collars, and am doing the best I can, whilst loving it! However, there are a few objects, which my children could delightfully benefit from, which are left for no one but a dumpster.I, was hoping to score a coffiee maker, and perhaps a television, for my cherubs room. I MANDATED the portraits, of my daughters heritage. From what I am TOLD- I may have THEM, but nothing else. This, is somewhat cool. actually, it's VERY cool, 'cept, there is SOOOOooooo much, that people could benefit from, yet, due to her hatred of me, I am told, that it will ALL be, allegedly placed into a dumpster. How Stupid, do they think I am? There are pieces of Valuable antiques, stemming back to my Dads' , fathers' Tora, as well as precious books, such as Hard back Readers Digest, ETC., that have NO buisness in a darn dumpster....and Tommy Cometa, is going to let these artifacts, be trashed??????????  No, fuckin' WAY!  "IF," he REALLY is, please pardon me.

         I sincerely hope you do not miscontrude me as a golddigger. I, am "NOT", trying to gain finacial gain from this! I, was simply wishing , that I could provide, cost free, my ancesters relics, to people, whom are alive, and could appreciate them. I watched Marilyn, leap through hoops, in order to obtain them and cherished them, WAY, more than she cherished me. {Dad, included. } I ached to place these items, in an arena, of hopeful use, for which they were needed, Not sought!

        Oh Goodness! I forgot. Daddy put a pay phone in , so he could continue to contact me, so his sheild of paternal responsibility, wasn't tanished. Then, he left , ME- with Marilyns' deceased parents, $4000.00, to do with, what I wished, in Hollywood , Calif.!              YEAH!, I know, get off the cross, someone needs the wood.       Awe, it just pisses me off. I apologise.

                   Ya know, I made monumentous errors! I AM sorry. BUT, other people and MY children, did NOTHING, to him or marilyn. YES!- I purpously, did NOT capitalise her name, for , to me,she hasn't EVER , even tried to earn it. I realise, she experienced severe hurt. BUT- doesn't one TRY to turn it for better?!

            This, HOPEFULLY, is the END of my mental torment. Last night, I told my girls, that, {and this IS completely TRUE } that the collectibles I have sustained, were sustained for them! "Do with them, what you wish,"" but I lived for you BOTH," and not to have a whole bunch of tagged "STUFF," that I couldn't take with me. "STUFF," is meant to be enjoyed, and then SHARED!" What's MOST precious, are the Loving memories and sincere adorations, that , not even Donald Trump, has the ability to purchase. If and when, you have a child, you must nurture THAT soul, for if YOUR soul/ feelings, are important to YOU--please, remember, the other one has the same need of nurture as YOU DO.

          This whole scenario, has taught me, quite a lot.GOD, help me to NEVER, play another person, as if they were a Stratovarious! It's just WRONG, and it hurts, SO deep. Perhaps, this is WHY, I hold the Indian liniage, so DEAR to my heart and soul. The Indians, never took, what they didn't NEED, nor to be able to give back! {SOMEHOW }The circle of LIFE- does NOT begin, nor end , with -ME! There will be those afore, and those AFTER:) So........                   Thank you-