Monday, March 26, 2007

HERE , we GO, again!

It would SEEM, that, EVERYTIME, I get a foothold, on a kind of solace....sumpthin' ELSE, comes around, to bite my ass off.


            I, decided, to call my husband.          Whom, seems NOT to contact US, at all, UNless he requires something,we have to offer. Being the Mother effort, I, cannot seem to refraine, from checking in, once in awhile.

            This evening, I was informed, that, "allegedly," he has Scoliosis of the Liver!  NOT, a big surprise, for me, for he drinks , better than a fish, and , myself! Ya SEE, I indulge, BUT- not to the extreams, that he DOES.  I , have a bit of fun?!! BUT, he , whom is , directly , and profoundly, sited on the site of "Fonzarelli!"

                YES! I have , the insatiable art, of calming down. BUT, he, has an insatiable knack, of going , from , "FONZIE," to "A WRECK!' He, is astoute, at presenting himself, clean cut, and purrfect! HOWEVER, give him an hour or two, and he slides from, "PIST A RESISTANCE', TO A  Full fledged MESS! He drinks these things, that could make THE Emperor of ANYwhere, succumb to an IDIOT! It, TRULY, amazes me, to watch the transition, take place!

                    I, USED, to be his hair "PERSONAL" stylist. TALK ABOUT, "THE " Most  maticulous of persons, I have met, in QUITE some time, he crumbles, to an ABSOLUTE wreck! Even, the way he presents and , carries himself, is QUITE THE opposite, of what he is SO proud to proclaim.

          My heart, breaks for him. NOPE!- I, do NOT, wish to be reunited with him!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT- - - - -he IS, my husband?!! THE Father of our children. And, with every attempt, to INVITE him to a dinner/outing/ETC., he , defiantly, turns our efforts DOWN!

               With A-L-L HONESTY, it has NOTHING to do with desiring his penis! It, however, DOES, have to do with him- being our girls Daddy, AND , the man I chose to say "YES," to! We, HAD a love, that was , amazing. NOBODY- would I allow, to alter my path!!!!!!!!! UNTILL- - - - I let him sink , "I'm NOT sure what," got into me. LORD, GOD, I, fell, HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER, for this man!! I, changed my ENTIRE compose! Feeling , Secure, that THIS, was THE one????! ONLY, to find out, that the transition I allowed to take place, was, COMPLETELY, in vain.

            I, spose, I, had always been chasing , the LOVE, I, TRIED to R-U-N from, and, could NOT , catch , again. AND, when push came to shove, reality REALLY bites.       WHERE...does one GO from THERE?

      SO, what did I do? BESIDES, as WE destroyed all we had built, I...was , again, left to conduct my world, on my terms. -OR- so I thought.      "Bitter Sweet Symphony."           ELTON. "You Got ME Wrapped Around Yer Finger, do you have top let it linger?"  "I WAS WRONG!" " YOU KNOW, i'M SUCH A FOOL 4 YOU"

                         The Weird part of this, IS, I am gaining a surrept stature of existance. SLOW, B-U-T, Sure! And, Elton, has RE-entered. Being a woman, whom ACHES for a Sound figure, to hold and snuggle into, perhaps, I am blinded?! YET- I am COMPLETELY aware , of what I HAD, LOST, and, have Found , once again. OR, so I "think." IS it, just, that I ACHE for a sound form and  mind, a sculpted mass, I desire to embrace me, within the strength, so , I don't have to repel all the demons on me own???? NOPE! Eltons' EYES, fingers, intricacies, EVEN , how he drives his car, ignights my molecular being, simply to observe, how , meticulous, he GUIDES his vehicle. Simply, to observe him, orchesrtating his ride, is , ALMOST,More than I can handle.

            There are  a few people, whom, SAY- I, am SO strong?! ?"How do I sustain my strength??" THIS- boggles me! I, cannot , seem to perceive, this side of me?!! HOWEVER- I, step back...and , take a peek, at my Castle, me Family, and , INescapeable realities... AND, say, "WHOA!"

             I, do NOT require, just , anyone! Yet, I'd TOTALLY DIG, a , SOUND- SOMEone, to share the realm with.

         YEP, I'll bet, there are MANY, "IF," reading THIS, whom are saying...This whench, is OFF her Rocker! Perhaps, I am?! BUT- as I compose my back, doesn't ACHE as badly, as it DID.

                 I write my feelings of truth, for TWO reasons. THE, MOST important one, IS, it is mt solace/release, The Second, is, TOO many people, attempt to bury me, and, as a few instances with "Children and Youth," I was urged to keep a Journal, and THIS ONE IS FOR REAL!  I, have NOT skipped a beat, NOR, have I skipped a segment ! It, IS, consistant. IT, IS Honest, and, it is ME! So, the next time someone decides to take a pot-shot at me, "BRING IT ON." There , is "NO," way, THE, Most prominent disciple of authority, can SAY, this , was  drum up, from a need to pacify some odd sort of legality. Besides, my feelings, ARE worth it.There's. in NO way, a person, could enrapture a composition of THIS depth, off the top of their skull!

A simple berrage of thoughts:)

         I chose , purple, today, for I'm a Spring addict :):):):):)

                      LIFE, to me, is , like Carol King sung, a Tapestry. It's astounding, when one feels, there are no other coloures, but pitch black, GOD begins the next row of irridescence!!

                I returned, a bit ago, from doing something, I NEVER thought possible! ONLY 4 , More teeth , to be extracted, from my upper jaw. I , finally have looked my fear, right in the face, and, in about 2 months, WILL be able to SMILE, with a FULL set of teeth. I'll be TOO sexy for myself:):):):)-

                  The doctor, I see, is from an organization, that takes patients with no money, HOWEVER- he is THE , Most Gentle Dr., and all around delightful person, Ya could imagine. Now, back in the day, when my Daddy took me to the expensive Drs., THEY HURT! GOD, has provided me , with one, I didn't have to sell my first born, to afford, and his work and mannerisms, are PRICELESS.

               I, believe, I mentioned, how , my son, Zakkary, was NOT doing well, and his adoptive mother, told me he was on the out, cried, and would NOT allow me to see him, once more. GOD, has turned the tables:)-   Zaks' health, has improved, greatly, and Linda, his mum, assures me, when the snow is gone, she WILL be bringing him, to Burger King, {2 blocks from my house } so that Ashley, Megan and I, may visit with him:0 I , literally, had to pinch myself, in utter AWE!  She , even allowed me to speak with him. And, as when ever he and I speak, we verbally shared our UNdieing LOVE for one another. I assure you, that little man, SHINES!!!!!!!!!!!

                  Spring, has sprung, and I dazzle at the thoughts oftending the garden/lawn/LIFE:). The girls are all squiggly, to git their hands in on it, TOO. Now, I have NO sense of , actual smell...BUT- I can sense it, wonderfully. It's , almost, magical.Darn, it IS magical.

                  The contrast, of my life, THEN, and, my life , NOW, is like the contrast between Black and White! Each day, unfolds more treasured beauty, that I could have EVER dreamed of. I, am contracting more wonderful friends, reasons, revelations, ETC.! For so long, I was a veritable crash and burn woman. I, still, continue, { periodically }to pinch myself, to make sure it's , actually REAL. I don't mind saying, with couthe, "I am quite proud of me." Wait, don't git me wrong...I'm not braggin'! I, simply in awe, that from a drug induced brat, such a flower , could GROW. I was , SO opinionated and belligerant, for too long, and, I have come FULL circle, in finding a woman, I just don't wish to flush! Skrew ACID!!!!!!   Reality, in finding such a profound treasure, is a TRIPP, money could NEVER buy.

               My daughters, are "Blossoming." Hold UP- I am SOOOOOOoo Not perfect!! But, they are like me little mirrors. Some times, I wish to throttle 'em! AND, THEN, with NO warning, their phase ceases, and they radiate with my better characteristics.  Perhaps, a certain statement, I recall making. Then, a complete turn around, from their usual selfcenteredness,     into a rare , Christian reaction, I didn't , AT ALL, thought they took note of. The evolution of them, prompts me , to take note, of my own. For SO long, I found NO elloquence in myself. AND, it still takes a bit of coaxing, of myself, to read things , and understand, I am NOT the same!! Thank GOD.

          I MUST interject, this transpiration, was NOT done , all by myself!!!!!!! It was brought on, by the loving , UNfinancial support of precious entities, other than 'lil 'ole me! GOD, is the first, I wish to list. The Trinity of, The Father, The SON, and The Holy Spirit. Accompanied by, my cousin/Mother , Gail/Stormie, Elissa, my BEST friend,Anna Young, my spiritual advisor/companion, Michael Hanlon, dear Friend, Pastor Betty, Connie, our Church connect/chariot, Ashley and Megan and Zakkary, my children and wisdom, Elton, Zakkarys' Daddy, and the love of my life, Anthony Paul Soloski, my beloved Angel, Char, an Angel of the long distance kind, whom rejuvinates me , EVERY day!  OHhhhh, the list goes ON, a bit.  However, these entities, would NOT have given me the time of day, years ago. They had patience, and Gratefully, saw in me, things, I could NEVER have , even taken the time to look at, lest find. But , the ONE , whom clings to my heart, MOST of all, RIGHT next to GOD, IS- Charles Philip Gerchov, my beloved father, whom laid his everything on the line for me. I, can FEEL his love, STILL , near and watching, from his residence, in Heaven. NONE of us, are perfect. It is written, "Judge NOT, lest thou be judged!"

              It does my heart/soul, GREAT solace and promise, to have these pages, to reveal my feelings. I, can only hope, that another, can benefit from all I share. Peace Be Unto...

Friday, March 23, 2007

I'm still shaking, from a Dream!...

...for, for about a week now,I have gotten NO SLEEP. I woke at 2:48 A.M., and JUST couldn't return to sleep. I arose   and  began to sip some wine, and play with the computer. As I did, I felt this strange feeling , come over me, pressing me to shut it down. At the moment, I decided NOT to, I coughed, and exploded from the inside. VERY SCAREY! The feeling was SO, strong, I could do nothing else, but to pray for protection, as I climbed , back into bed.

           THIS, I Believe, was The Lords' Will, for HE provided me with a dream, which shook my inner being.For, as my computer was loading, I chose to read, this days "Upper Room." Todays entry, is entitled, "Smoke Damage."


         It read, THIS-"From the same mouth come blessings and cursings. My brothers and sisters, this ought NOT be so."

       {  I have allowed myself to speak quite harshly to my daughters, lately, CLAIMING, I'm under much pressures. }

           Rebecca McCarthur, has her own story, however, GOD USED IT, to send me a much needed message.I Swear to GOD!

            "Last year our home caught fire. The fire itself was small but the damage done to the entire house from the black smoke was great. SOOT, went into every crack and crevice, and the smell, was terrible. It took more than THREE months for a restoration crew to complete the cleaning process, and we have all developed a healthy respect for something as seemingly wispy as smoke.

              { Some of the dreams, I have had, lately, trace back to my drug days. I , TOO often, drink the wine, saying, "I'm 43 years old, and all the drug usage is gone, so I'm cool  }


               "At the same time, a close friend, a pastor, was facing a similar experience in her Church. A "fire" started when  our friend disagreed with a powerful member over changes she felt the Church needed to make in order to stay alive. The Church member created dissention in the congreation by whispering , complaining, and twisting truths- enough , that our friend was forced to leave the pulpit and the people she loved so deeply. The damage to her , her family, left no part of their emotional, spiritual, physical,and financial lives untouched. Like the small fire, it permiated everything, even the congregation.

          The Bible warns us over and over to be careful with our motives and with what we have to say to and about others, INCLUDING OURSELVES. "The tongue is a fire," James writes, and the damage it can create is costly for all concerned."


                  I am ashamed, at , during a push of impatience, frustration, perhaps anger or exhaustion, I , have bitten my daughters heads off. And, to add insult to injury, I continue to smoke cigarrettes, and partake of wine.  I claim, as I've stated, however, I am getting sick over it.  I have made a promise to GOD, to get myself to  a Doctor, for a frind  seny me a send, about Ovarion Cancer, and I have all the symptoms, they revealed to us! GOD, has shown me, I'd had better wake up, with a quikness, lest my family and friends , be mortaly effected, but my lies, of, "I Quit Everythin Else, One Deserves  One Crutch!?" I shall keep you informed of my progress. I, shall begin with me tongue:)-

                And, NOT a soul on Earth, can convince me , otherwise, these messages, came Straight from HIM! HE, shook my molecular being. "Whoa!"     OH- by the way, from a Bad car accident, I have lost my sense of smell. When I awoke from the dream, and , STILL, a bit, can smell an Aweful odor, I can only say, reminds me of death. The people in my dream, supposid friends, at a drinking party, kept moving my brand ofwine, leaving me , only to TRY to snag theirs. The embarrassment, from their catching me, was UNspeakable.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Who's your Daddy?!!

My head, is killing me! I, spose, it goes, in synct, with me back! YEP!- I'm pertubed. I, cannot release , ELTON, from THE man!!

               I've BEEN , there! It stinks! Ya Gotta kiss ASS!E.J., is getting peeved at the groupes, they are JAMMIN;, down his throat!

                IT, is NOT- what CRAMS!!!!!  IT  IS- what one wishes!!!!!!!!!!! I, told him, Ya JUST gotta , :DO," what  the man says!" After, 'while, ONE gets to,  BREATHE!!It, only , lasts SO long!!!!!!!!!!!!!                      "RUSH." "If, I HAD ME TIME, aGAIN."                               sAY, WHAT YOU WISH. Situation, NO win! THESE, persons, are stickin'  it TO, him! B-U-T, he, skrewed UP, not them!!

         'Bout time he grew up! "GOT to get myself, right outta HERE!"THE, "DEAD," are playing! "All you , REALLY , NEED, is, GOOD love!"


Thursday, March 15, 2007

There is ALWAYS, Hope.

 KissesThe life I live, NEVER, ceases to Amaze me! My sons' Daddy, ELTON, is , again, out of prison. He, is such a strong, Beautiful man, whom has more pains shoveled onto his existance, that, you could shake a stick at!.

          There, IS- something Magical, betwixed he and I. We , are Quite drawn, to one another, and , at THIS point, we are taking Magical steps, of the BETTER  kinds, in the way we are RE-joining!! People, we ARE , Friends, First. It, is quite unsettling, for, it appears, that, our son, is dieing. Zakkary, has BEAT the odds, and the doctors premonitions, 10 Fold!! However, it would appear, that his body, cannot endure the weight of existance, any longer:( His lungs, cannot fill, properly, and, GOD FORBID, Ya allow him to lay flat to sleep, would, only speed up the process, of his non-existance.

                Now, E.J, { Elton John S. } "could," throw it all in the garbage, and hook up, with some drugs. YET- he continues to choose NOT 2! As, do I!   Would this, help Zakary? Would this assist us? NO FUCKIN' WAY!!!!!!!! In MY opinion, we are taking , THE , Most courageous way.  No baby bumpers, allowed. Even though, it has been our LONG time Practice, of handling  a devistation of this sort, by becoming , Annialated. ANY, simple perp, can do that! It would appear, we, BOTH, have a different way of dealing with it, and -it's WAY more promising, than the alter route! Is it easy?   FUCK NO!! B-U-T, when we look into the mirror, the reflection, that SHINES back, is WAY, MORE appetizing, than , IF- we rode the wrong trolly.

            Peoples, I love Zakkary AND Elton! I, also, have come to be fond of Moi', TOO! Don't lemme fool Yas'. I, STILL, have a LONG ways to go. BUT- I'm trying me BEST! Looks to me, like it's paying off, GENEROUSLY.Peace Out...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

It's just me, sharing.

 Bobcat Mommy & BabyMy life, is astounding. The wild thing, IS, once Ya think Ya got it down- a whole bunch of OTHER stuff, pops up.

                   I, am doing me best , to stay OFF of the thoughts of "Elton." Yet, me mind keeps TRYING to include him. I, completely understand, he's succumb to a path, that is Quite a pain in the patella. It virtually sucks, when Ya HAVE to live, beneath the realm of the State. I've done it! Trust me on this one. However, since I have EARNED, the freedom, I, wish NOT to go there , again!!

           Fact of the matter, IS, all the power I THOUGHT I had, stems from, quite another place. It seems a Shame, that, this is what it takes, to make a person, wake the heaven UP! { The Girls are in tact with a bunch of TESTS. } In MY day, they were called , S.A.Ts. They have RE-named 'em. NOW- they are called, PSSAs', why, please do NOT ask me. I'm sick and fucking tired of everyone, changing up, withOUT, any notice!


                 This, is NOT my interject. YET, it IS!      "Trust Beyond Understanding."

                                 We know that ALL things, work TOGETHER. for the GOOD of those, whom love GOD.Who are called, according to HIS purpose.

             After a fight, my cat, Jupiter came home with a wounded paw.The vet, prescribed oral medication and an ointment to be applied to his paw, for a week. Jupiter , liked the ORAL stuff! BUT, each time I tried to apply the sav to his paw/wound, he would squeal, and RUN!As he ran, he would limp away. He could NOT comprehend that this painfull process would HELP heal his wound.EVEN , when I wished to pet him,he acted weary and distrustful.

                    Isn't this, how WE react, in painful situations? We question GODS' intensions for us, AND HIS plans.We forget that GOD has, ALWAYS had our BEST interrest in mind/heart/soul!HE- has taken Care of us.

                My Daddy, did his Best, to care for all he could SEE I required. Now- being a parent, , find , myself, being my Daddy. There ARE things, I Still, Must LEARN. The cool thing about it, is I am Trying! Sometimes, I get SO, fed up, I unleash words, that are harder than a sound PUNCH??! The COOL thing, IS, I am taking the time to, AFTER I count to TEN- Reach in, and, appologise. "I'm NOT purrrfect. I, goof up TOO!" "Can you forgive me?"                    So Far, they Have!  What I AM, realizing, is, that, smaller entities, ARE like SUPERballs. WISH, I could resemble one. We- git older, and LESS bouncie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                     GAIL- I'm STILL, sorry I caused such havock!! I, was, just so darned ANGRY, that I misplaced it.My parents didn't mean it, and neither did I! At least you found Your Stormie. Sharon was a PUTZ!Delores, was as bad.NOW- you have FOUND a Significant other!!And, no matter WHAT- you shall, have been fullfilled!!!!!!!!! Perhaps, one day, so shall , I.

                            "Friendship with GOD'

               THE LORD IS the friend of those, whom obey HIM And HE affirms HIS covenant with them.


                          Adam and Eve walked  with GOD, in THE Garden of Eden. How Wonderful  that Must have been-no sin.,no shame,NOTHING to separate them from GOD!  From THE very begining, we were DESIGNED for a relationship with OUR Creator.

                 David was called a man after GODS' heart {1 Samual.13 13:14 and Acts 13:22} BUT- because he successfully followed ALL the rules. FAR from it.STILL, as we know from the Psalms,David loved being with GOD, talking with GOD,worshiping GOD and Listening to GOD. David had learned as a young man that being a friend of GOD was a good thing.

                 GOD, is still extending that invitation to friendship, asking people to spend time with us.We accept GODS' invitation to friendship,TELL , of our loves and our fears.So- that we may embrace one another, In JESUS Name.


                         "DEAR GOD, Thank you for inviting our friendship. TEACH us to draw ner to You, Amen,"

Friday, March 9, 2007

OHMIYGOODNESS, I ,need a hug:)-

THIS- is , gonna be a LONG- - - - - weekend! The girls, are going to their Daddys' apt.! THE , funny thing , about this, IS- I, U-S-E-D, to BEG, for a chance to breathe/get a moment, by, meself. Yumpin' Yiminie, I, "SO," don't feel that way, these days!! Whilst, they are away, I become, an imbosilic NUT! N-O-P-E, I don't go whackie, as to get drunk/drug enduced!! I get, DISplaced, "WHY, is none calling, "Mommie?"

          Ya know, I'm a REAL piece of work! I, TOO, often, beg for sound solace. THEN- when I git it, I'm NOT sure how to handle it! Thank GOODNESS, I have a cat! However, he- gits displaced, as well!! He/me, don't know how to handle, when, the Babes' are away!!

           I'm a REAL twerp, FOR- I cleaned all/washed/ETC,! NOW- - I have nothing to play with:0 SO- , I spose, I should take a "Calgon." BALDERDASH!" NO-One, will be, interrupting my bathe.

           Ya KNOW- I could, actually, go OUT! Perhaps, shoot sum POOL. Yet- I wouldn't , exactly, know how to act!After, a while, of conduting, ones' self, as , they SHOULD- all the HYPE, goes out the window. WAZZUP, with THIS? I, made a LONG, Hard practice, of , upholding the Realm of ,"THIS, is MY time?!!" As, GOD, as my Witness, I can't figure out, why it was SO important?!!

                                     I, recieved a phone call, today, from the woman, whom, stated, allegedly, "I," was the GOD Mother, of her UNborn child. I, also, provided a setting for her, to git her feet on the ground. DUE, to UNpaid, court costs, she, 14 days ago, was REincarcerated. She, finally, called me, and , alledgedly, posed her dilemna. She states, that she has 1/2, of it. SLAP ME! I , provided the THOUGHT, that, "IF," she could pay me back, I'd put up, the $250.00????! She, declined, and said, her children, would come through. I, let it rest, as that. Thae REASON, I provided it, WAS- she gave the girls and me, all the monies, she, SHOULD have paid to the courts?!!

          YES, GAIL! "IF," you were here, You'd spank me! FEAR NOT-, I spanked, meself!! As well, AS, I gave her, not a cent. WHEN, associated of mine, "Ginger/Bobby," from the squad, arrived...THEN left, afterm looking for Lynda, said to me, "Car- are you EVER going to STOP helping, people?" "We, think not, Ya NUT!"  I, responded, "It's just my way, to find the GOOD , in others." "There IS, allways H-O-P-E!" They shook their heads, gave me a squeeze, and departed, to obtaine her, AWAY from my home.

         IF, Ya ask me, AS, I have the recognition, of the Police squad, on my side, and, since , I'm NOT bothering , them, OR- anyone else, I'm not doing so badly! In me Latter days, I had EVERYONE , Peeved at me! SO- There Ya go!

             Also, I'd , wish to say- - - - I, have a potraite, of My Dad, hanging, aside my bed, in me bedroom. I ,CHOOSE, to speak to him, a LOT! I, do not feel I shall be absolved, for doing so. I DO it, for, I had , not enough chances, to do it in person! My Daddy, would NOT pass ON... Untill, I arrived, by his side, for he KNEW- I'd have had an UTTER, melt down, IF- I had DISappointed us, again.SO- Thanks BE to GOD, I wasn't TOO selfish, enough, to MISS, this Blessed , LAST, opportunity! Therefore, I , choose, to take it to HEART.

              PLEASE, I wish to tell you, that, in my DADDYS' house, during my active addiction, to, NOTHING GOOD-, as he , allowed his room, to remain, UNlocked, I, robbed him. He, allowed this to go ON, for a spell, THEN, had NO other choice, BUT- to lock it down, LOCK/STOCK/BARREL! what would YOU, do??

             When, I, "when he could NOT help, any longer," landed in PRISON!- I , resided with a woman/criminal, whom weighed, @ 300 PLUS! TWICE, a month, we, Prisoners, were permitted, to aquire , what thwy referred to, as "Commissary," took the , liberty, to help herself! There, was NO way, I was gonna flatten her! SO- I LOCKED me stash, in The footlocker, MY Daddy, had provided! ONLY, to find, that , the insatiable appetited woman, BROKE INTO IT! ALL, I had saved, for , the month, WAS DEpleated. FORTUNATELY, she had a bladder problem, TOO! SO, as she released, upon me, and I called for the guards, she was RElocated!

                   Bottom LINE-, I called my Daddy, and, said I was SO sorry. He said, "WHY?" I, told him, "Because, when one feels, they are SAFE, Especcially, in ones' own realm, and they are stolen takes all the joy out of ones' HOME,  one EARNED and NURTURED!" Daddy, can you EVER forgive me?" "I, was on drugs, and I'd NEVER!"               "MOUSE- just get better!""I, will ALWAYS, love you.""You are my Daughter!"           "But, Daddy, I am such a jerk?!" I, said. PEOPLE, he NEVER gave up on me.THE COOLEST THING, "is," I have become, BETTER, A Lot, AND, have realised, that , there are a WHOLE BUNCH of us, that THINK, we got it goin' ON! FACT, of the matter, IS- in WHAT way, do we feel, needs , improvement??

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

I need to talk about , Zak.

 TantrumYEP, that's, REALLY, how I feel. However- I threw my fit, the other day, and, now, it's time for me to buck-up, and continue to move forward!

                As it stands, Linda S., Zaks' foster/ now adoptive Mother, let me know, that, Zakkary is dieing. His lungs, are only able to fill , part way, and, he is not permitted to lay, flat!  I, remained Quite calm, as she shared this, in tears, with me, YET- after I hung up, ,well, a few days , later, popped a cogg!! 

              I am remaining in contact, with them, still,  it's, like, pulling TEETH, for her to permitt me to speak to my biological son, whom, wishes to speak with me?!

        Peoples, I understand, that I gave him for adoption, due to the connection he made, whilst I was incarcerated, ETC., and, besides, they had all he required, $$ and stuf, to cradle him in security. Still, I NEVER stopped loving him, and due to their Christian guidance, has forgiven me.Yet, I , am a bit confused?!! She claims to be a Christian woman, and- for the most part, she is. BUT- it has become  apparent to me, that, JEALOUSY, has set in, for , she canNOT fill the ONE space in his heart/life, that , I AM Da Mamma, and it seems to irritate her.NOW, if she's going to go the distance, to alert me to his prognosis, and "periodically," allow us to connect, well, doesn't this go against some of the grains??Between you and I, I'm smellin', hypocrite!

                   I called, and asked her, that, I have a ride to Union Dale, and I'd be SO, grateful, if I could pay, ONE visit, to him, afore the horror, sets in? "I'll have to discuss it with my husband.", was what her response was.

             Fellow readers, I am NOT attempting, to snatch him away! AND, granted, I am Completely aware, that his condition, is the repricussions, of  {MY} lunacy/fault! But, this should NOT be taken out on him!He, WISHES, to see me. He, LOVES me, I'm his Mommie. Readers, JESUS, forgives! I placed my soul, in excrusiating disgust, and shame, for YEARS...B-U-T, if JESUS forgives me, whom am I, NOT to?!!SO- - - I have pulled myself together, and changed my horrible ways. THE LORD, has blessed me , with TWO Beautiful daughters, and I take loving care of them, and ME:0- THIS, I do for JESUS, me, Ashley, Megan, AND, Zakkary Tyler!

               AND, why is it, neccessary, for a woman, to be so double -sided? "IF," I could turn back time...I WOULD! Yet, I can SEE, if, after these facts, I flew away, with no concern, and just trotted onwards, without a care, BUT- I didn't! As I have said/meant/felt, before..."I would have carried him accross the world, on my back, if, that is what he wished!"However, that was NOT, GODS" plan.

           So, I ask of you, PLEASE, keep us ALL, in your prayers. And, KNOW, that no matter what, I shall NOT regress!It's just, on certain days, I could use your support. I'd, also, like to take this chance, to, AGAIN, say, "I AM sorry."

Monday, March 5, 2007

Who knows?

There are times, when, I am ANGRY! This day, I AM! I am NOT angry with you! I, am angry, with ME!

         YOU, are NOT me! YOU, have not done, what I, have! AND- I hope, you never do! It REALLY sucks, whence when one, has to DEAL with what they have orchestrated! Especcially, when they have orchestrated, a mess!There IS, NO- way out!What you play, IS, what you git!

               I, have two, Beautiful, little women, and, I AM responsible for. Think THIS- how would YOU, feel, if it was all on you? Afore Ya git prego, and, construct a BODY-, take NOTE! You fucks, think this is EASY?? How Dare you! Awe, "aren't they cute?" Skrew you! This ain't no , fucking joke! THIS, is a tredmille, you are NOT allowed to release!THIS- is for keeps/REAL! These little people, are COUNTING upon GUIDE them! THEY, are NOT, a puppy/kitten/hamster! THEY, are Sound individuals, that require Adult respect/retrospect/direction! Take it from someone, who WISHED they had it , goin' ON! I, was Blessed with a person, whom , actually CARED, and still does. I took a chunk out. and , amscrated! IF- I were to film , her... I would have observed her, shaking her head! I'd have done the same , darn NEED, to be so fucking strong! Yohe- skrew strong!

HeartBreaker, at 4:23 A.M.

Yes, it's 4:30 A.M., and I was JUST awoken, by the worst dream, I have had in , I can't remember when!!

            I, HAD- to run to thse pages, and release!

                   It began, as my children and I, { the cherubs were NONE that I have ever seen  }. I was hangin' out with "Niles and Frazier." More of the characters, were, "Aunt Tracy, MJ, a horrible woman I met in jail, and it took place in the "Magic Room," the attic of our old house.

             It began, as we were all attempting to assemble a party. Niles, said he could score "Valium, " for the children, and a HUGE bong, for the smoking of some premium cocaine. I was aware, that the "V's," had arrived, and asked Niles, if I could grab one, to go with me beer. He insisted, they were for the minors! "Well, I simply wish to catch a buzz, and I'm incapeable, of financing for the "blow!"

                "I told Ya, Carly, it's for the kids, and ALL you owe for the rock, is $19.00.  I had my Last $20.00. Of course, I gave it to him, and found myself, placing a king- sized rock, upon the Bong.I recall, having problems, with operating the lighter, YET- I managed, only to fill my lungs with my ALL TIME loathesome smoke.

           NOW- when one is in the midst of others, when one releases the smoke, one shares, by blowing it into another person- MJ:( , whom, I might add, expected me to git funky with her, as soon as the buzz was complete.

         I threw the bong at the floor, of our once loved "Magic Room, and got immediately sick, and disgusted! I, ran to find Aunt Tracy, whom was in rapture with Frazier, for they 2, had smoked the devils crap!

       I found myself, experiencing a supposid heart faliure, and WOKE UP, with a disgusting pounding in my chest. I partook of a few puffs of a cigarrette, and tried to go back to sleep! NOTHING HAPPENING! SO- I took my place, at the computer, to get this horrible nightMare, outta my head!!

         I tell you- I SHOOK! My pulse was racing, and I was LITERALLY disgusted with myself!!I, thank GOD- this was ONLY a dream, and- ASSURE you, I have NO desire to trod that deadly path , again!! I also, thank you, for being there, for , since I have shared my trauma, I , Completely realise, it was only a dream, and I pray, NEVER to have another!

           For ANY, whom entertain the thoughts of toying with this shit...DO NOT!      Allow me to give you an example!    YEARS ago, I used to inject cocaine, into my veins! My son, was FOUR months old, and I went to a house , to cop the requirements. They would not permitt me to take the "spike," with me, so , I elected to keep him in his car seat, turned him around, and applied the drug. NOW- ANYone, whom has EVER injected cocaine, KNOWS- ONCE you administer that first application...there IS, NO Stopping, untill your stash is depleated! DRUGS, A-R-E, the devils arena! They snatch your priorities, fog in your senses and knowledge of what is REMOTELY proper, and they will cause you, to devistate ALL and EVERYTHING/ONE, whom you , Normally, would hold Dearest! It IS, the same for IRRESPONSIBLE drinking! My son, may or may not, have seen me administer, THAT DAY...However, the booze, got him two months later, when, I elected to drive with him, in the car, AFTER, I became polluted, from beer and what ever, to drink. Today, he is STILL paralized, and I have been informed, that, WE ARE JUST WAITING for his life to end, and the cusp of age 17! Due to the paralysis, his lungs can ONLY expand 1/2 way, he's on Oxygen 24/7, and if we allow him to lay , FLAT- he will CEASE to exist, within 10 minutes.

           Perhaps, due to this new information, is what ignighted this Horrible dream/REALIZATION, within me?! There, is NOTHING, I can do , NOW! Yet- there IS, something you can do! Please, don't get sucked in!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN, if , your life/ peers, promise you a sensation of nirvana, and, that , "Everyone does it," so- " If you're cool, or one of 'us,' you'll chime in on the fun. " In JESUS NAME, just R-U-N!             Thank you...

Thursday, March 1, 2007

WoW!- Did I begin, today, as a Brat!

I, well, Ashley, placed curlers in me head, last night. If I didn't mention, I had my hair down to me butt. 'Cept, it was falling out, ALL, over the place, so, I cut it ALL off- and gave it to the Cancer victims.

         Well, I Guess, since I am leading a better life,  {  'cept for my eating  }, It's, once again, gittin' toward me mid-back.  Yet- I began , today, AFTER the children went to school, - Acting like a spoiled B.I.! I planned, to release me curls, and paint the war type make-up, and strutt, proud and annoyed!

                That WAS, me plan. Instead, I took GREAT strides, to pose myself, BEAUtiful, and gentle. Due to my alter Efforts, I had a pretty DARNED GREAT day! I spoke kindly , to others, and stuffed my ridiculous attitude in bag that won't be opened , today.

              Part of my desires, to be a PUTZ- is, money! Still, there are a WHOLE lotta other issues, that prompt me in this silly direction. PLEASE- allow me to be MORE direct. I, piss and moan, over the silliest of traumas, whilst, others are ridled with traumas, WAY, more substantial , than my , MERE sagas!

                As I was in a store, a wrilly man , that MOST, would run from...toook it upon himself, to come to me, and tell me , I was BEAUTiful??!!! I, simply, and with sincere grace, said, "So ARE you!" I, also, took the time to thank him.

                   THE LORD, has blessed me, SO- and, it's MY turn, to acknowledge THE gifts! Any sodd, can piss and moan!! It's the ones, whom have BETTER things to do with their time, to RISE above that UNneccessarity.               "Just remember, I Love You, and it'll BE, alright!"

                 I, WISH, to share a story, a DEAR Friend, sent to me. It- is called, "Shoes."

                  Now, granted, it IS a poem. However, I cannot recall it, well enough, to place it's intellect.          Here we go-

                   " As  I sat in the pew, at Church, a man sat next to me. I, noticed his foot, resting on mine, YET, I stayed quiet. As I observed his shoe, I noticed, it was tattered, and Holy. It annoted me, to have him rest upon mine. This , was CHURCH, for GODS' sake, can't he dress in a worshipfull manner??!

                 The service , began, and we shared THE LORDS prayer. I, gazed at him, watching as he , with such emotion in his eyes, recite it, AS IF he belonged. Yet- I remaned in my expected pose.

            At the end of the service, we , as always, reach out , toward another, to shake hands, in "WELCOME." I grasped his hand , and stated the usual words, - - - - YET, as I did, I took note of his face, and found him weeping. He began a berrage, of apologies, as he stated, " I beg your forgiveness, my shoes WERE shined, this morn, but , to get here, I had to walk so far, that they must LOOK a fright:(

                Still, I don't stop coming to worship, AND, I thank you, with ALL my heart and soul, for YOU, are THE first one , to EVER acknowledge me. THIS FACT, makes me feel WELCOMED! May my Holy shoes /soul, remain with your BEAUTiful ones:):) That way, we can connect, as HE wished us to, in THE first place. YOU, have enriched my life, as I PRAY, I did yours."

          OH!- kind soul, you have made me whole, TOO!