Tuesday, June 27, 2006

This is it, make no mistake...

...it's 4:57 A.M., and I took a call, yesterday, stating, that my step mother, who is riddled with Cancer, staying in the hospice unit, has , aproximately 24-48 hrs., to live.I believe, you are aware, that I have made prior entries about her, filled with loathe and hurt. But- as I sit here , thinking of the time I was picked up from Boarding School, Chartwell Manor, located in Mendham New Jersey, at the age of eleven years old, FOR CHRISTMAS  vacation, my Dad drove us , straight to the hospital, for Marilyn had tried to take her life, and, - THIS IS WHAT SHE HAS ALWAYS WISHED FOR!  Well, it appears, she is finally getting her wish!

          I am not proud of the disdaine , I have harbored for her and her pathetic adoration of materials, rather than family riches, and I've spent the entire time, shaking my head in painstaking horror, that she loathed me, due to the fact that my Dad, slept with another woman, concieved me, and then adopted me, or should I say bought me, to appease her own incapeability, to have one of her own. Sheesh, I was told , for most of my life, how she thought I was only to be fed, twice a day, dropped me on my head, and dressed me up like a battery not required , toy doll. When I encountered my own mind, and rebelled her reign of "Mommy Dearest," she hated me more and more! All I wished to do , was be allowed to perspire and get dirty, at LEAST, once in a while.Every Sunday, this woman, showered me, placed me on top the kitchen table, and blew dry my hair into a page boy, for hours, and when it came time for bed, she'd tape my hair to my head with pink setting tape and Scotch tape, only to rip it off in the every morning. "No Poop Tails, allowed!"

           However, even though I  was subject to this, and MUCH more... in finding out of her nearing demise, I just don't hate, anymore. I am, in fact, delighted for her, to finally find the PEACE, she so desperately needed, with Our Lord, Jesus Christ.A couple of years ago, I was shown , my Dads' WILL. I, being his biological daughter, was shown to get $1000,000! SHE- was promised EVERYTHING else. This, I allowed to hurt me deeply. But, today, I could give a rats wisker. To care, whether or not, of what is left to me, would bea haunting display of HER desires, that I couldn't stand in the least. I, simply wish to have , just a few things. These things, would be the portraits of she, my Dad, and my Nonny and Poppy.

          My Dads' Best friend, Tommy Cometa, has taken the responsibility,of having her creamated and will travel to New York, in order to spread her ashes all around Manhattan. THIS, was her life long desire, and she gets all she wants. There will be NO service, NO closing, and I was begged to, NOT be considered! Tommy asked her, does she wish a Preist, Rabbi, anyone of the cloth? "NO!" was the response. I must wonder, where will she end up? I , simply pray, even though GOD was not one of her cherished materials, that HE will harbor her anyway. This woman ran through life, in excrusiating , emotional turmoil. Let her find some peace, at least in the end.

         Good-Bye, Marilyn Marie Moore, I really DID try to be , SOMETHING you could use. Peace Be Unto...

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Things go better with cream cheese...

... but they can usually be sedated by a few pieces of chocolate cake!

                    This is NOT, one of my usual loggs! I am wrestling my Dads' demise. I went to see him, against his wishes! "I," needed to hold his hand, and plaster him with kisses. [I made sure to wear lipstick! ] I told him, if Ya get scared, reach up and rub the love filled emoliants! He looked , like shit! When I walked in, his eyes were open, but- rolled back into his melon. I, thought, "OH GOD!"......but, he opened his eyes, whence I placed a battery operated puppy, on his chest, that called him into awareness. He told me he loved her, BUT- I had to take her home, for he couldn't care for her! I said, "Daddy, she needs no care, but only exists to give love."  "Everyone, NEEDS a good walk," he said, PLEASE , take her home with you!        i did.

           It's REAL, when one "SAYS," "do NOT come to see me! ""THAT," is when you get yer ass THERE! A DEAR friend, sealed my realization of this, and I am Enamored, that my selfish , human state, did NOT get in the way of me going! When he actually saw me, I , witnessed the elaborate JOY, in his eyes! As i held his frail hand, in mine, I could feel the pulsation of L-O-V-E, that beat from within! Yep!, he was a bit embarrassed by his composiure. BUT, it was MORE important, that his daughter, feeling the BURNING desire to be next to him, aside , and beyond his verbal resound , to stay away! FUCK words! This one, uses her HEART, to listen! I, believe , this is the reason, that I get along, so well, with wild animals. THEY, know me, for they can feel me, and  my inner soul. Does this NOT, be where all stems from? Skrew the shallow outer shell!!!!!!!!!! A shell, cannot continue, without a beating heart, from within!

            Last night, after all, I decided to go OUT! I required a hug from , my husband??! SO- I traveled down to the bar, where he resides , above. He wasn't there. Still, I railed the fortune on the pool table, and bought a few rounds , for asscociates, I have met afore, got "slammed drunk," and haven't the faintest idea, how I got home, Talk about "FOOTPRINTS!" The LORD, walked with me, with me, in his arms! NOPE!- This isn't a great way to handle ones goings on, but- I am Greatful! It appears, that , after returning home, [ my daughters spent the night  at their trusted friends house:) ] I attempted to order PIZZA, from , Dominoes', and the message machine, told me that, after I awoke with me boots ON, I had MISSED the delivery! Oh well, I'm spreading like Skippy, anyhoos!

          NOT, that it should,but- it still amazes me, how, soul felt companions, seem to FEEL- when a soul is in peril! I have been blessed with calls and sends, from THE most precious others of my life! AND- it seems to STILL, hold true, that in the throngs of deep, dire straights, one finds, WHOM are, ones TRUE soul mates! Find me madd? Piss on Ya! You , cannot run from sound FACT! I used to think , that, I had the kindred soul friends of LIFE?! BULLSHIT! When push comes to shove, and a bit of painful experience, sets in, one , FINALY, realizes, how stupid, they were , to  believe THAT! Nope!- I didn't say, it doesn't hurt! It hurts like hell! BUT- one must make the equasion REAL, and decipher, where the efforts MUST be made......and, where they are waisted! Fer real, for real, I'm sick and fuckin' tired, of making all these lame, excuses, for others, whom, I WISH, would embellish my world/ emotions! I KNOW me, and why must I continue, to desecrate my own existance, for ANYTHING less , than I am worthy of? For example, "Elton," this mutha has to get his feet back on the ground, and I realise that/this, BUT- do NOT sell ME short, by NOT , at least, calling, every chance he gets! "IF," you've NOT got the gumption, kiss my ass! I am a worth while soul, whom deserves "Tender LOVING thought!" AND, when and IF, he choses to call/stop by, I intend to display that REALITY to him! Everyone , has a bit of sumpthin', something, they are going through! BUT- ALL, must prevail to the sound fact, that , life ain't a joke! AND- neither are the others, whom wish to share it with you!

              I, am STILL, learning , that, we are , ALL, Special, if we allow ourselves to be! Take my cat, for example. He is , almost 14  years old. He, Scamper, is a resoundly , solo, to himself, beast. YET- he wouldn't be 14, if I didn't shove Da love at him! Fleas and all, he is my FRIEND.Besides,nobody said, LOVE was gonna be an easy flight.The more love I plaster him with, the MORE love, he expects and cherishes! THIS, is what I wish to convey.  It reigns true, to ALL we hold , hopefully, dear to our psychy! Just a tid bit, to nibble upon. Peace Be Unto...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My Dreams are coming TRUE!

I'm not quite sure where or how to begin. When I, LEAST- expected it, the phone rang, and Eltons' voice WAS on the other end:). He decided to reunite with me, and showered , quickly, afore work, so he could stop up! He, also , DID:)-

            We have made a heartfelt/verbal/ETC>, VOW, that we are eachothers! In being enveloped within his arms, I haven't felt safer, in YEARS! I am floating on cloud NINE! When ,last I saw him, I , haven't hearing from him, went down every bad , thought path , I could contact within:(. I was "SO," wrong:).  He loves me, too. The rest, will come into play, as The Lord, see's fit when it's to BE!

           Ya'll may find me odd. That's cool! I, AM odd. I, dig it that way. THAT way, I fit in , just fine. I, truly PRAY, that more of you, are finding such a bodaceous day, as I HAVE! People, he is SO beautiful, and strong, EVERYTHING, I SO needed. He's working his butt off, whilst, reailizing, where stupidity can lead. He wish nothing more to do with it, and I, am quite proud of him, for I have located that bit of important worth, myself! I believe, I spoke of it, in earlier loggs! I/WE, have just had ENOUGH, of being BAD!We , simply wish to be , HAPPY! THAT- - - is an acomplishment, that holds NO bars!

       I, Thank you, for standing by me, as I trod through my lonely despair! And I wish to share with you, a VERY important FACT! If you, he, or ANYONE, even thinks, I'll skrew this up..........."THINK AGAIN!" I've been through, and seen TOO much, for me to go backwards! This dream, is REAL, and I intend to lasso the moon, with every string I have been Blessed with. Stuff, opportunity, such as this, doesn't come 'round, often! I skrewd up, in the PAST, horribly.......this is my chance to shine, like NEVER before!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Does anyone, KNOW, ANYthing?

You'd suppose, I'd learn my lesson! Flippin' balderdash, Yul Brinner, had a better idea, than I can come up with! Yep!- I have some pent up emotions, that I choose to unleash on this site! YUL have to excuse me, I'm hideously tired, and I'm NOT responsible for my loggins! EVERYONE, has a straw that CAN be broken, and mine is WAY, past due! I have thrown on some tunage, that reminds me of the later years, and it makes my breasts , extend! "Things can only GET better!"

           I, am an enormous fool! On Wednsdays , at three o'clock! I, seem to become enveloped, by my emotions, and I could kick myself in the gludious maximous, for , forgetting substantial lines of giggling material. I HAD it planed and, calculated, YET- I missed a point. I , ACHE for a worthy companion, in which to share my cosmic brain waves with. "You are my Obsession!"  "I will have you, YES, I will have you!" Dear LORD, it's Monday!

           Ya know, I heard on/from, THE Blue Collar Comedy Tour, the fact , that , besides drinking I.D., there SHOULD be , fashion I.D.!  I agreed, up untill the focus, of , people over the age of 15, should be, banned from sporting shorts/pants, that involve the Statements, such as, "Baby Lush/ Juicey." I agree, prominently! HOWEVER- I have a pair of shorts , that place the subject of, "Baby Girl!" A woman, gets to dream, can't she??! Besides the fact, that, they FIT! OOOPS!- my BAD- mine say, "Bad Girl." No wonder they STILL fit:).

            It would be , in my/OUR, Best interrest, if I were to lay the mind/body DOWN! But, HEY!, it was a GREAT release. TANKS!

'Taint NOTHIN', but a thang...

...as, The Lord, doesn't give us more than we can handle," anyhoos! YEP!- sumtimes, I, just wish HE didn't trust me so much:)-

           Nope!, I'm not pitchin' a squeal! I'm , one of THE most fortunate women I know. Take, this day, for example. Now, way back when, I'd get me panties in a bunch, over a hangnail! I was the Queen, of , OH! POOR ME! And I'd take off running , another muck! As I spoke to a DEAR friend, today, I exclaimed,"I'M WARPED!" These days, I get off, doing things right?! WAZZUP????Lemme solidify this. I PRIDED MYSELF, ON DOING THINGS RADICALY WRONG, JUST TO CUM FROM BEING ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE REPRICUSSIONS! I, wreaked more haavock, than most I know, and was darn proud of it. Heavens, it proved , I was INdestructable and cunning. OR- so I thought! "IT," was MY way of making , some kinda mark, that was indellible? Whatever! Fact of the matter , IS, these days, I am finding , doing it RIGHT/WELL, ain't no F___ing joke! Granted, I still have some way to go, BUT- - - -I am succeeding in ways, I THOUGHT were inept for [me]!

           On Fathers' Day, I accepted, Alan over, and did my ultimate best to provide all the luxuries I could. As , like a Fevor, 4 him, he {as usual } railed me with a most degrading array of SLAYS! Quite different than earlier in my life, I simply absorbed it, and, replied, ":) THANKS, Do you wish CHEESE on yer Burger?" GOD, forgive me, but I became orgasmic, in how , with sly honey, I CRUSHED  his attempt to belittle me:):):):):):):):)>

         Today, I called my Daddy. Whence I located him at the HOME, he revealed to me, that , the prodigal Witch, [his ex wife/my mother? ] { I've never MET my biological Mother! } was located , in the Hospice Unit! NOW!- allow me to disclose, this woman has had the reigns over him, for / from The Git GO! I , don't EVEN wish to know the reasons behind this insatiable INsanity! Still, I heard , resoundly, the worry/ache/loss, in his voice! I, "AM," his biological daughter?! YET- his priorities, since day one, rest in her!

             I find an insatiable NEED, to visit , this woman , whom detests me, LIVIDLY!          WHY?        Part of it, is selfish, on my part. I, can't see me facing a mirror, if I didn't, for , I am convinced, that she really DID, try her best. It , was because of her, that I was able to view , certain, almost unreachable visions, that, OBVIOUSLY, won't escape me. YES!- she scarred me, beyond belief. YET- I allowed it! I could have gone in hundreds of different directions! Yet, "I "chose the miserables'! Shit, Bill Cosby, didn't begin on a golden palete', yet , look at what he has accomplished?! PERHAPS- she is where I get my insane, but funny material from?! People say I'm a tripp. I f'in' KNOW I am! I'm certifiable:). But- there is a charisma about me, no matter how large, marge spreads, that seems / proves, to captivate others , all over Da place:). I'm a nut! HOWEVER, I'm a gentle, harmless entity, who's just RESOUNDLY colourful:)-

           Ya know the funny thing of this, IS, I'm not doin' so well , myself, health wise. Daddy, can't know! He's got his own servings, on his platter! Besides, I choose NOT to attend Dr's , for I don't have the time to waste, I'm all my Babes have, and they deserve a LIFE! Alan, could give a poop. THIS- is where my Faith comes in to play. THE Lord, has seen me at my worst! AND- now HE sees me doing my best. HE-, will NOT, allow me to fall! There is a laundry service, directly accross from the YMCA, where my Babes attend CAMP. NO MATTER WHAT- I will secure a job , there, and provide , even more for my children, and I don't require a DUDE, to secure it! I've HAD IT, with dudes!!!!!!!  Everytime, I set me sights on a DUDE, I , either become rampaged, OR, let down.

            I'll say this! Elton John Santos, whom I ditched, TOO, many years ago, came back into my life, for a milisecond! My heart pounded so loud, it was defening! My thoughts and dreams, took off , like a fire fly on a mission, and I became drenched with hopes andrealizations, I forgot, existed! He, appeared, in a white oxford, underneath, the VERY sculptured , undershit, which revealed all he had built up, during what I am , UNfortunately aware of, a LONG stay at PRISON! He took GREAT lengths, to chissel himself, into an ADONIS! I, was completely floored. Quite frankly, I didn't think he had it in him?! OBVIOUSLY, he DID! NOW- granted, I'm a WHOLE, lot older and broader, and he made it sound GREAT BUT- he hasn't touched base or me , since??!! As/"IF," you began this book at the begining, you'd KNOW, that it was "OUR," son, whom I paralized! Something , such as that, must weigh devistatingly , on a person. Still, it was HIS choice, to seek me, and raise my girls in his arms, as IF they were cotton balls, and ask their permission to visit them , again. I, didn't think I was THAT/THIS horrendous.

            I, MUST, find , sound JOY and gratitude, for he, DID seek/find me, and I was able to hold him, as he held me back, for a bit. His eyes, found my sumptuous gaze, and returned it, for he knows what , ALL, we are capeable of, together! There was ONCE a time, where, he went for those cigarretes, and arrived back, clad in a Leather Jacket, Levis and boots, and jumped INTO the shower , I was taking, because he couldn't wait to penetrate my perimiters! NOPE!, he did NOT UNdress! He allowed , ME, to unveil his form, wilst we were doused with bubbles and H2O! A memory, I shall NOT forclose on! "IF," you could  , just see his eyes. They are hypnotic and alluring, as well as his , STYLE, and his demenior, JUST THE WAY HE STRIDES..........Heavens! His hands are , articulate weapons of musical talent, when applied to the muscles of a guitar! Imagine, what he could strum..........anywhere , he wishes??!! His chest.......is magnanomous, clad in the fists of "Pink Floyd," and from what I am told, has adopted, other decoure. I ACHE, to connect the dots! What can I say, Tats turn me on!!!!!!!! I , have one, and desire more! My, ONE, allows me to walk, MORE proud and centered. "SHE," isn't even finished , YET! SHE, is a faerie, amid a tribal vine around my ankle. HER name is "FLIT!" So is, my cursor.

          Goodness me, I must stop, HOWEVER, I thank you, for permitting me to voice what I harbor inside. "IF," there is anyone, whom wishes to foot the bill for the Sprite, which I wish to reside upon the small of my back, LEMME' KNOW,  at DWillowFaerie@aol.com! Happy 19th day of June...

Life, mine, and , there IS hope 4 me, Yet...

...as the Summer comes  upon, and I have been SO, blessed , with Camp 4 my children, yard toys to beat the heat, and a few dynomite  friends to boot, I sit, observing, THAT- I don't do ANYTHING, like I used to! Perhaps, this is why, I have earned the established stting of life, that I have?!

       I , am actually, proud of myself, and ....THE fact, that my beloved Elissa, is back in my life, after our split, whence boarding school ended, is one of the MOST joyfilled realities! Fer a sec, I THOUGHT- I might be invading her space, and , just maybe, she was just being N-I-C-E, as , NOT to say anything. I, seriously, don't feel, that is the case. She and I, from the start, had a magical friendship, that I find to be so, for I am ONE side of a spectrum, aned , she, is THE other. We seem to back eachother. I'll give you an example. In boarding school, I , slept on the top bunk, she on the bottom. I would drape my blanket over the side, for Ziggie, IS NOT, one to greet da world, first thing!!!!!!!!!! She'd, after the proctor closed the door, would dash like a lightning bolt, into the bathe, and , THEN, become readied to present herself:). Otherwise, she'd have hibernated!  Me, well, I couldn't have given a fig neuton, and it gave me such IMPORTANT pleasure, to be able to be her veil, untill her time was proper! I was needed, and I supplied her with her needed composiure . I, was important, and "I HELPED:)!" 'taint NOTHING like feeling needed, least of all, to come through with the neccessity.

          It appears,we have an uncanny knowledge, of when to apply, and ----when to fly, SOLO! I, believe, I hear her voice, periodically, guiding me, and IT provides me  with a grasp, of how and why, to progress , WELL! She holds SO MUCH, that I find admirable and promising. She is AWESOMELY beautiful! Her eyes are deep and crystallic, and she maintains a structured body of health and grace. Her laugh, is infectious, and , when she chooses to peek beyond her silken, golden strands of hair, she makes the world, shine.I don't mind, sharing, that, me , being a natural , mousey brownish blonde/red, take fun joy, in dying my own tresses , the magical platinum blonde, that she poses. "NO,"- I'm SO NOT a follower!!!!! It, simply makes me smile, and I can find my own, hypnotic eyes, easier. My eyes , are one of me flavorite features, and I've been told, I'm NOT off base , with that one. God, has given me astounding eyes, perhaps, for they have seen SO MUCH! Well, plus, my creative verve, that lurks beneath them. OH!.....HERS, is PURELY NATURAL! Jeepers, she, is purely , naturally HER:). 'Taint a false vibe in her being!

        She is a teacher, of small people, and she takes LOVING pride, in her gift. As I have spent some time, dealing with my own childrens schoolers....YES!- I have found , SUM, to be OUTSTANDING!      HOWEVER- there have been , those , whom are /were, Wicked, and plainly , more concerned with the pay/summer, OFF! "IF," anyone, THINKS- that a child cannot detect a fraudulent worm for a teacher, "THINK AGAIN!" i'D APPRECIATE TO , slap, the next person, whom discloses, "They're Just KIds, WHAT do THEY know?" You monsterous freaks, THEY, KNOW, more than we DO!" Outta the mouths of Babes." There IS a reason, THAT quote was made.....AND-STUCK!!!!!!!!!

           Bottom line, IS- I , AM, so , very glad, I have this book, to share what I feel, with, people, whom I Pray, can put some of these topics, to THEIR use. At times, I have felt so F---kin' alone, no one could be pondering the things I do?! Gimme a break! If anyone has a heart and a mind, they can't help but to ponder their own sides of the topics I ponder, and "IF," I had been able to , silently/annonnymously, read some lines of another, to share my mind space with...........maybe, I'd have gained stamina and courage, to find, I'M NOT THE ONLY! I've seen WAY, TOO many, whom felt so alone, and watched us all, go to drug headquarters/ETC! With a heartfelt step, and friends , one or two {quality, NOT quantity } we , ALL have more in our pinky fingers, to offer, than Quantum Leap, has in its' entireity. I, MUST go find my floor. We, ARE Loved! including me:)- Peace Out...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I'm NOT as pathetic, as I appear to be.

I figured, I knew me! As a matter of fact, I DO! Still, as any creative whench, I place these , insurmountable hurdles , afront of me?!- On the topic of, "Elton,"  there is a possibility, that , I'm a goof! Whence , he arrived, last Saturday, I acted like  a practiced imbosile! WHERE, was my composiure? For gracious sake, I literally , blasted him with ALL, that was built within me, for SO, long!

         Things are going , quite well, 4 me/us, and I have the need to heap on a whole bunch of UNneccessary plop on it??! "IT'S MY DESIRES!", THAT ARE ON THE RAMPAGE! Just, envisioning him, was , prit near, MORE than I could bear! He stood so regal, proud and , FREE! The world was, NOW, at his designation! "IF,"- he walked the GREAT line. I, could see, he had EVERY intention , in which to do so. His motor skills, were calculated and precise! His eyes, drank in, ANYTHING he wished, 2 a certain degree. NO ONE IS THAT SOLID! Whoah, I got it going on, BUT- I can't , remotely subscribe to any such certainty! It's , just NOT, about that!

             SKREW-, I'll continue, 4 none other reason, but- THAT- I, and my Babies are worth a DEAR amount of coolness. We, little nibblettes, are Rocking The Cazbar! As long as I stay off drugs, and I place the intense NEED, to be patient and , PROPERLY guiding....I will NOT, cause the irreputable damage, my parental units, bestoewed upon me!

             Ya know.....I COMPLETELY realise, how E.J., has a WHOLE bunch of technotronics to build!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has "NO," time, at this point, to address me! Still, I wish he'd call, or SOMETHING! Like, "WHY," show up , here? WHAT, did he wish to construde? Perhaps, my bodily forum, didn't meet his standards?! What Ever! I , could have torn him apart, from  his  resilliant forum! LORD, have Mercy, he is Beautiful!!!!!!!!! His grace and style, are mezmirizing! ......AND, those EYES!

              WELL, "What's 2 BE, will BE!" The only problem , IS- that I'm outta $$$$$, to encure sleep ensurances??!! My Libido/Dreams, rule my shut eye! THE-cool part of it, I've not remembered a near day, for , when I coducted my day, so PLEASING FOR MYSELF, INCLUDING ANOTHER, 4 years!

Friday, June 9, 2006

Yer NOT going to believe THIS!

... I, am, aghast! "Elton," showed up! I , prayed for a sincere companion, and, HE, allowed this to occur! I'm , Not, quite sure, what to do with it. Yet- - I'm astounded, by its possibilities! I usually found, myself , to be, a ROCK , solid BITCH! ......I crumbled, at the mere sight of him.I, could NOT believe he was standing , afront of me! He , looked, SO dapper! He , resembled,, a sound MAN!!!!!!! And, I MUST say, a succulent one, to boot! He was prominent and r0ck hard.To be able to curl around hid tatooed muscles, could ONLY be a dream. Beneath his shirt, formed a tuft of masculine hair, streaming toward the sky, of plush felt! He , used 2 be rounded. He IS streamlined!He IS beautiful! I, can , only pray that he is what he appers to be, from the inside! There IS a chance, that he IS!

          I told him, in NO, uncertain terms- - that you are MINE!COOL? He said YES! BUT- - - - you'll have to wait a while. "I've waited forever," said I, " and I WILL continue to await, Nirvana!

           I, requested, he show himself, to my girls, at The Y.M.C.A., they found him to be a fantasy. He, lifted them up as they woukd be cotton balls, and said Thank you4 the letters! Without sliding down the wall, I obsereved in , utter awe! Plus Pride, for we all deserve a chance.He showed me nothing BUT promise!         I shall inform us of the outcome. And THAT is all I have to say at the moment.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

I'm just a human.

I had a blast, tonight! I was visted by my Dearest/Oldest friend. As well, as I have my children and their friends, camping out in our yard! My, beloved Elissa, and I, played games like no bodies buisnes, and I ranked my points up higher!              

             I, USED to think, going out to a bar and , actually, getting home...., was a delight! BALDERDASH! I encompass, more fun, over the Pogo skitz, with my friend, than I have located , in my recent days of existance. I , hope she , one day, knows that.

          I've been writing in this book, for a few, trying to spell  words I wish to convey!"THOUGHTS, " as well. I was hoping to see the results, of my mind efforts. It's becoming clear 2 me, that , I won't be able to last too , much longer. This pisses me off, because, for the first time in my life, I have  EVERYTHING to live 4. Yet- the haavock I've put myself through, has crept up on me, and , well, I'd best bow out graciously. BLAST!- I, SO, am NOT asking for a pity session! But!- I'll be dag nabbitted, if I'm NOT going to share who I am, before my pathetic health Ins., runs out! Skrew, "IF," anyone feels that I have NO right to share what is really within! I HAVE made strong and sound progress, within my simple existance. I, was told by the school, "DON'T STOP, Ms. Dennis, you are doing well!" This came , after I returned from my irksome stay at "Shea Lackawanna!" I, USED 2 think, I had it going in a whole bunch of directions. I had it going into the ground. It doesn't matter , how many disasters I aviod, NOR, does it matter, my [thought2be ] cunningness, that, got me, WHERE?

             FACT of the matter, IS- I can't breath/ I can't sleep/ and I can't keep food down! I, sustain myself, from MEGA Vitamins, and a whole bunch of prayers. BUT- - - - - - my Daughters will have THE best I can offer! Hopefully, they'll understand, what/why it IS important, to acknowledge "ALL," whom may be at a lesser turnstyle! Ain't nobody, has it going ON! One, M-U-S-T, make all Roses , come to bloom!whenever, they CAN!

           I, AM a VERY fortunate woman! I, got 2 play with  a lot of souls! AND, I asked a wish, for years.....I wished my breasts to get bigger. As my belly grew, so did me boozies!! The ONLY quirk, was that me beely, grew bigger than me boozies??!! I still, cannot find me feet!

I'm Home...

                        It's been a few moments, since I've writen. THIS, would be, due to the fact, that "School's Out 4 The Summer." This poese a, whole, new regime of practices. It's WAY cool, though, 4  -I 've , never before, been remotely readied to apply myself, this way! "I," had better things to do?! NOT today:)- I am locating more JOY and PRIDE, in being there, for my children AND myself!

          Last night, as well as, tonight, I am being trusted, with another single Mothers' children, over night, and, they are THE, most delightful cherubs!! Back in the day, I could NOT be trusted, with myself, let alone, someones' children. I am earning this, no matter what. Yeppers- Alan is providing child support, for the moment, but----THAT'S IT! He is MORE concerned with Nascar and the bar scene, rather than placing ANY emphasis, on the blessings of Children??!! He does NOTHING for them, or me.No matter, how we beg for his REconnection to a family, he may call his own.......we have nothing he wishes.

        This is begining to be fine.{"F"-ed Up. insecure, neurotic and Emotional ] The DANDY Fact, is, that, the longer he stays away, the stronger we become. THIS, inescapeable fact, cannot escape his awareness.  YES!- I despise his weakness and the fact that he is a sorrid jerk, whom finds the performance of his manhood, and WHO can idolise it, MORE of a thrill, than observing the Beauty of his families treasure. Allow me to be more precise. I, STILL, get his mail, which encompenses his collection of "smut" films, which of course, I trash. I asked him, "Wouldn't you be more satisfied, with a woman , whom wishes to care for you, betwixt yer legs, rather than Yer hand?" He informed me, "My hand, doesn't piss me off, NOR cost me , as much money."WELL- , I asked, " How's about, when yer HAND, keeps spilling shit down Yer throat?" "F", you, bitch.

         I , had to go away , for  four months, one time. When I returned, I found, in our Childrens bedroom closet- - smut mags- - that wouldn't make me moist, if my LIFE depended upon it! He told me," I work , every day, like a dog!" " What the - - - - do you want?" "A different job?" Oh, like THAT made him consider, anything. One can pray, can they NOT?!

         Fact of the matter, IS, Yep- I do NOT resemble, "Pamela Anderson," BUT- I am a tubular person, and , well, I ain't , too bad looking! I'd give me heart, to find a companion, whom I could , simply , cuddle up with, and share the trials and tribulations of life, with, right by their side/?!! I, don't go to bars, and , well, since I'm a single parental unit, I don't have that many occasions, which to meet people, for I spend my time with me Babes! Now, I've prayed for a whole lot of blessings. I, choose , NOT to bug on GOD, for a companion, at least, I didn't USED to! I am , now. Darn it!, I have a whole , lot of love , to offer, and I have, ONLY, me teddy bear, whom id getting tired of me groping her, which I can hold, whilst I sleep. SOMETHING  HAS GONE A FOWL IN THE TOMATOE! I have a libido , like, a mosquito, and , LOVE to match me desires! I have a wonerful cat! I'm  weirding him out. {DON'T- EVEN go there! ] He ,simply, feels bad, for me. Besides, I brush him, like nobodies git go, and THAT'S it! He's NOT complaining. When Alan, dropped off the Child support, and Scamper paid attention to me, Alan, stated, "He, USED to me my cat!"  NOT- in THIS life!

           Bottom line, for a sec, I chose to get on the pity pot. I, just don't have the time, nor than , do I have the need, to "BEEF!" I , use to think, I was just a plop. I'm NOT! I have me quirks, BUT- I , also, have me qualities! Some of 'em, ain't 1/2 bad!  Please- HAVE a GREAT day!