Just a mere thought process...

I, had a GREAT day, today. What I am curious, of, IS, why the fuck do I continue to dwell?!

            I am making , some resounding , leaps and bounds, within my life! Still- I get my self, all wrapped up in segments of plop??! I'm a bleeding  heart, that should be slapped!

         Allow me, to be somewhat , more, dirrect. Alan calls me, this evening. He states, that he shall have , two kittens, in his possession, come Sunday. ....I couldn't HELP, but to point out, that, these furry children, need LOVE, {which he knows NOTHING about, and CARE!}                "Calling Elvis, is anybody home."

           I, also, stated, "I'm going to be buck-ass honest." "I canNOT allow our Children, to his apartment, in which to enjoy these kittens, WITHOUT me, EVER, again!" He, proclaimed some stoute adjectives , at me, and asked, WHY? "Well, your choice in sexual partners, need be taken into DEEP consideration!" PLEASE, allow me to state, inequivically, I, am NOT a saint! However, I'm NOT banging , ANYone, and I, fer sure, aren't applying them to the Children!

         "IF," I am inconcise, with this train of thought....someone wake me up! However, I'll be dag-nabbitted, if I'd allow some woman, to call MY wife, to ask her to help me , protect her from my psychotic husband!!!!!!! I told her, quite simply...."Ya REALLY need, to lay off the booze!" Social drinking , is ONE thing. Sound , and repetitive slamation, IS, another. "THIS," is why, Ya'll can't git -r-done! Talk about , Yo-Yo, action! He, doesn't enrapture this , either.

        Please, I , am NOT any kind of a gem!!!!! Yet, at least, I am attempting, a strategic line of thought dirrection, that allows me to ...come OUT , hopefully, nearer to the top of the pile. YEARS, ago, I'd be acting awry, such as they ARE. Thank , GOD- I am reaching, NEW plateaus, I , figured, I had NO chance of meeting.

               Whilst I was at work, today...one of my CO-workers, made a statement. She , wished, to Major in psychology. Yet, she withdrew, for, she didn't feel, it was worth it, "YEARS included.", that all THAT effort, was, worth, "HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?" Which, we ALL know, are ONE of the flavorite questions, possed upon us, during a session. "LIKE, the FUCK, I haven't ASKED , myself, THAT, 4000 times!" Lemme, add another, INescapeable factor. AFTER, they bring one, to the pinacle of , some, height of DEEP, mental trauma, and , Yer delving..."Well, our hour has laspsed. We'll take this UP, NEXT week, at 3:15 P.M.!" I'm so darned glad, you REALLY cared, the check is in the mail!

          I'm sorry....if I have left Ya , but- I have to go to bed. Besides, this isn't YOUR book...it's MINE!

Just a note-

I have GOT to go to sleep, SOON! The fact of the matter, IS- I ache from the inside. This human being, is a tripp in herself! However, she has a pulse and a heart, that beats soundly.

           I have so much to offer. Yet- I am so flippin' wrapped up in what is felt, I become to be squished, mentally/ emotionally. Tomorrow, I must rise earlier than I wish 2. So , that my girls can swim like champions.Megan, is quite content at the fact, that she can hold her own in the water! I, do NOT blame her, for I cannot even fathom the sight of drowning! Burning, gets me goat, as well.

          Yep, I AM short! However, I am in continuation of stature. Those girls, are following in procession, VERY well.

          I have these neighbors, accross the street. They have , more $$ than GOD! For, some odd reason, just cuz they know I have , what most would find to be Nothing- simply , because I have lit my area a bit, for the Holidays....they, for the first time in three years, clad their house , like nobodies buisness??!!!! Awe pluck...at least , I turn mine OFF, by 10ish.On off days.They , have obtained this snowglobe, which they choose to leave on, ALL day , long?!! WHY?, I haven't the foggiest. For instance. THIS evening...they are NOT home. Still, they are lit up like a Christmas Tree in HEAT! WHY, the jaunt?

              Allow me to be , MORE specific. Two years , ago, they put in an INground pool, accompanied by the entire , back yard emporium! I, had, my usual puffy pool, and a few toys. Their child, during the instalation, came, and was welcomed.YET- after the completion of their thang, NEVER once, did they invite us to invade their new found aquatic pleasures!

           Two years, after- - - -, "Carly, do you wish to come , and swim?" ................"Awe, thanks, BUT- it's a bit , too deep for us!" I, just can't figure , everyone! This crap, reminds me of Marilyn.At least, she didn't allow me to grow to 180 lbs.!, at the age of 9!

             Wanna know, something that assists me to continue, with this Burger King job? Besides, the fact that I , haven't crashed and burned, as of yet........I'm getting , a WHOLE kick, outta the fact, that I haven't the need to kiss , ANYONES ass.I do , the best , that I can, and for the first time in me life, I actually, shut up, fer a few.UNTILL- I find the NEED to EXplode. Thank GOODness, it comes at a time, when all are as tired as I am. I, am finding, that the BEST one-liners, are , BEST delivered, at an ironic point of suppression.I, ask your forgiveness, but- those facial expressions, come into formidible play, whence possitioned elloquently!One of the masters, almost made a BOO-BOO.Timing, is , of , THE Uttmost personna-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          YES! I, believe, it's time to level me! I, Thank you, for allowing me to spend some time with you. Peace Be Unto...

I'm tired, but , I am still breathing.

I, Must apologize, for my ,former logg. I, was hurt and Angry. I, am short. And, I am still searching for truth! I'm , NOT going to fib to you...I was plotzed, as well. However, that rightly makes no difference. It's MY book, and if you do not wish to come in, then, that's on you!

           I, have spent , way, too much time, on escaonig all reality, in some of THE most ironic ways, possible, for a WHOLE lot of years!Still, this is me FIRST Holiday season, I have come upon, without my Daddy, on the planet. One, would find this to be less aggitating?! Farfigneugon, now he can see all, I hid so well!

           There is NO espcaping. Fact of the matter, IS, why did I? OH!- like he didn't realise? He, DID!Shit, lemme tell Ya- my daddy , lies at rest?!! at the bottom of my hill, of , where I live with the last of our family.I have a son. But- I don't think he can orchestrate another son, for, I paralized him.He has the YEN, but , not the delivery:( I have Gail/Stormie, to latch on to. B-U-T-, from afar. Me, poor cat, is getting sick and old, to have me smother him in relentless shows of mauling affections!

        Look. I am NOT trying to plead pissant! THIS, is me first adventure of , sound attempt, to furthur meself. I, have a job...I am , actually fullfilling it, but - holy-hobinieros-this way of life is QUITE foreighn to me.

           Let us take, Thanksgiving, for instance. I got deadly ill, two days, afore. I had a temp., of 104.8. I, was a bit OFF beat.Still, I cptured The Lords' grace, the night , afore T-Giving, dressed the Turkey, and - - - -got up at 5ish, and placed the Bird in the oven, only to fill this "small," house with the fumes that would have gagged Rumple-Stilskin. I, came to find, my cat, "being spade," obtained a woody.I, had trouble breathing!

        Point being, we searved up , a MOST , Tasty MEAL. To, where, my EX-husband, had NO part in, skrew my illness! I, covered mega bases. At the end of the FEAST- - - -I required him to hook up the dishes. - - - - - - - - - kiss my .....go blow y0urself, is ALL I had to say.

            Gentle women/men, that are paying attention to this bathroom reader,....I , MUST git some sleep. THANK you, for taking the time to EVEN peek!

I, am at a fallsafe!

I, have been robbed of this excellent aparition of sentiment. I, was relying on it, like no bodies buisness! My monitor, collapsed! However- I have found a colourless replacement for it. HEY!- at least I can access my way of expression!

         I am GLADDENED, to have me waves beneathe me, once again. It is that time of year. Thanks Giving! This, past year, I have lost , me Daddy, and his witch. This Witch, I tried, desperately, to have find me worthy of loving! Awe, what the fluck! She, couldn't even dig , herself, let alone, me! I, USED to do some serious drug activity. However, I have two, beautiful daughters, now, and they have been placed in my care. I'll be darned, if I'm going to skrew 'em up, like Marilynn, did to me!!!!!!!!!!

          Peoples, I don't have much! BUT- -I've got WAY more than MaRILYNN , ever had!Mrs. Gerchov, had nothing butt- a whole bunch of hatred/and angers, to play on anyone, whom would succunb to listen!I. shall NOT, reentry that kind of lunacy, to MY Babes!

               Allow me to explaine. Last Friday night, I was told by their dad, he wished to have them for , YET, another weekend!I, am Blonde, yet- only dye it THAT coloure.Come Friday. . . . ."daddy, when shal we come?", was Ashleys' question. " I said NEXT weekend!" was his response. Yet, again, he faultered. However!, we had THE most delectable Friday night, I feel, there ever was! We , were allowed, to have THREE other Cherubs, spend the night, baked Bananna Bread/Fudge/Peanut butter/Caramel Brownies, AND played countless bouts of Charades! YES, Dearest peoples...THIS, to me/they, was a reputable memory, that cannot be corralled!This mother, lost his judgement day!

            I MUST say. . . . he, actually, didn't loose. I, am skirving too close to my own death. At night, I require medicines, to allow me to sleep, withOUT hearing my lungs , wheeeeeeeze, let alone, shut down. As well as, at work, I take breaks, to permit me to catch me breath.You ask. . . . WHY?, Well, lemme tell ya! I was a royal imbosile, when I was younger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I , allowed myself to do these drugs, that. AT THE TIME, appeared to do nothing! 'Cept, relieve me of reality.The , simple fact, that I escaped dire MURDER, is, alone, a feat! THE fucker of it all- - - - as I have located a sound reality of a reason to progress. . . . I, have come to find... I am quite sure, I am incapeable of susutaining. Ain't life a bitch?!

              I, have come FULL-THROTTLE, to, where, I have EARNED a chance to be someone prominent! And, since I have FINALLY found this resevouire, I haven't the allotted space, in which to fullfill it??!! I, finally, figured something fan-fuckinm-tastic, and my time has been cut short??!!

              Ya know, I've been scribing to Ya, fer more than a moment.he fucker , IS, I ain'y got , that many more. NOPE!- Doctors have NOT made the registered prognosis. I'm not THAT stupid! Yeah!- I cannot take the time to git-r-done at the facility!!!!!!!!!!!!!- =- - - =- BUT- - -  when one canNOT breathe', . . . . . need I say MORE?

          THE coolest part of it, IS- I have been alotted ENOUGH time, to minister to my Children.  These young women, will NOT forget, what I stood for!They, ARE- already Gittin'-R-Done!There, IS- a statement! "IF," you donot stand for something/ you will fall for it ALL!      MY Babies, shjall NOY faulter!

I. am glistening shock!

As Fall , sets in, and winter peers out, I have come to have an additional cherub, in our midst, this weekend. There is a task, I , help to provide, whenever I can, {lots}, where I orchestrate Christmas bags, by drawing on 'em, for the prisoners in the Lackwanna  County Jail. These bags, are given to Human beings, at a point, where, too, much, means shit.  They are filled with desireable snacks/shampoos/socks/paper, pens, ETC.! The outside of the bags, are enscribed with delightful, promising drawings/statements... of the artistic kind.

         In having , all these cherubs , at my reach, I asked 'em, IF, they'd like to help me with something Special?! A resounding , "YES," is , at the Least, what I got! I have these Babes, STILL, drawing/statement etching, their hearts wonders, for someone else, but themselves! Talk about, "Outta the mouths of Babes!" Don't THINK, I'm not graspning at the ability, to cook 'em a sound meal from love! By the Hand of GOD, I have all I need...in which to do so.

         I have my times of certain distress/wallows, ETC., but- today, I have more pleasures in the happenings, as well as, my desire to paint them, than, I have ever had! NOPE!, I'm NOT perfect! MUCH work, still needs be done! However, my Daddy, can, in ANY way, be peeved at me. OH!- I'm sure there a few pepper curnels he WILL pick outta fly poop! BUT-, for the most part...I- - - am helping him to smile! I scared the plop outta him, 4 2 long! It's MY turn, to give back a bit! NOT, ONLY 4 him! This time, it's for everyone. May the circle of life , NOT begin-nor end with me. It IS so much more than such plop.

         Nope, I'm NOT trying to illumilight me own status! BUT- there is nothing, flippin wrong, with a person, finally , figuring OUT- that they are NOT a jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's history, Repeating itself...

It's , almost ironic. Megan, has developed , some kind of insatiable bug, that is ripping her to shreds. Megan, is my youngest, daughter. She, is also , equipped with a shunt, due to her Daddys' manhandling , at 34 months of incubation, within me. She was enduced, for birth, and the path she travled, was SO turmultuous, she blocked her fontanelle, and, in order to drain her brain fluids, without, exploding her head, allows her to drain these excess fluids, through a rubber tube, surgically placed in her skull. and , traveling down her inners, reaching her tummy, wrapping up, some 24 ft., so as to dispurse the excess fluids, that she can release, during her excrament , as she urinates!

                  There are certain signs of it's failure, some, being, lethargecy/head-aches, / vomiting, Etc.! She, in the past few days, have displayed ALL of 'em. However, I have been told, there is a virus, running amuck, that show the same signs.

         Me, like a jerk, called her dad, to alert him, and {NOT that I'd have enjoyed his presence,} told him wazzup, and she begged him to come and console her.  His response, was, "Ya got my cell #, if it gets worse, call me, and I'll git a ride!"

           Am I a REAL imbosile? I, am sure, she will make a resound recovery...........BUT- WHAT kinda man?, would pose such a careless sense of parental xare, as that? All she wished, is for him to be by her side! THIS- was going to put a wrench in his jollies. He's lucky, he didn't wish to arrive, for, i'D HAVE PUNCHED HIM DEAD IN THE FACE.

          For anyone, whom chooses to read this... PLEASE- allow this to be a sight for you, that, IF- anything like this , creeps up , upon you and those , whom you supposidly CARE for, - PLEASE. doNOT burry yer face/heart, away from those you helped create. "IF," someone, has done this to you, NO NEED, to keep the evil going! You may break the soundboard, at ANY time you choose! ALTER the BAD habits. PLEASE-

               Megan , IS going to be fine!GOD, isn't through with her YET! And- I am NOT going to leave her ass to flail in Da wind! Had it done to me, NOW- it's MY turn, to REdirect the tables! Alan Leigh Dennis.............I can ONLY hope, your eyes, FINALLY , come to form, of the heart HE gave you. You, use it, when it's MOST convenient,otherwise, yeran ASSHOLE! May God have pity , for a soul, withso much turmult, and give you 1/2 a chance. Alan, yer pathetic!

In, somewhat. of a state of shock...

There is SO much, going on in my life, right now, that, I allow it to warp me a bit. HEY!- I USED to think , I was Wonder Woman... I , simply don't, anylonger.

        I have begun, and NEW job, and, {laugh if you wish,} a big deal to me. I'm gonna put it on the table! It, is "Burger King," and, the throng of UNending thrush, is whoopin' my ass. Ya know, I was on the waiting list , for SSI! However, I was denied, and , IF, I don't kick butt, we go hungry, Bow-Bow_Bow!!!!!

         The fanatical part of this, IS, no matter how much it depleats me, I fuckin' DIG that I , have , secured  another day , under me bely, and, I have a hoof UP , on Alan. Is THAT sick, or WHAT?! That m&fer, said I couldn't do it? Skrew you , bud, I shall NOT faulter! My children, are so VERY proud of me, and we stem, towards a REAL plateu' of realizations/acceptance/HUMILITY! For the first time , in my life, I CAN go peaceably! I have no shames left! A bit of idiocy, but...

           Through the Web, I have been introduced, to a few , righteous people. There, are some, whom, haven't even, heard of my existance! Yet, they respond to my world-wide sends, as if I were something special. For, 2 many years , I simply thought I was a YUTZ! For REAL, fer real, I certainly acted as such! Still, a friend sent me this send, which states, "For those, who think GOD has NO use for you." It, was actually, a joke, however, it made wholesome truth!  There IS, H-O-P-E, for us ALL! The LORD, don't make no junk! For Goodness sake, if we were all spectacular, why would HE have sent His Only begotten Son, to SAVE us from the materialistic crap, we allow to corrupt us?

            NOPE!- I'm not trying to jam Religion down Yer throat! However, what I AM professing, is that I, "AM," living proof, that the Hope of Spirituality, IS reachable!!!!!!!!!!!! It's, to me, kinda -sorta , like the Indian recollect! One does NOT take, UNless, one has reservations, to do all in ones strength, to give BACK.NOTHING, comes easy, nor, for free!!!!!!!Ya put Yer ass/heart and soul, into anything...........Yer gonna git something{especially if one doesn't require,} something Amazing, back! Your reflection, will speak wonders to you.

             As you WELL know... I have said Asta Manianna', to my Daddy. It still buggs me out! However, for however I , long, I spent , driving him NUTS!- I am on the cusp, of making him, finally , realise, I'm a friggin' tripp, and , I have more strength in me little finger, than-SOME, have , in their WHOLE bodies. I had it , all along. I , just didn't know it. Now, doNOT allow yourself to feel I am tooting me horn, like all Git out! I am NOT! But- for WAY to long, I succumbed to shit, I didn't deserve! THEN- I placed a heapnig spoonfull, of my own , on me.I figured, Best I cream myself, afore I give YOU the chance to.You, THINK, you can burry me? I got Ya BEAT!

          O.K., the wind has left my sails. THIS, was devistating , for me, and I'm REAL glad I spilt it!However, at this point, I am emotionally exhausted, and I require a break. Peace OUT...