Friday, March 31, 2006

Progression, WHAT a concept!

SO!-----Ya like it, so far? No matter what enzimes it wrenches from me, it does my soul, WELL- to unleash it!I, wouldn't wish this escapade, on ANYone! Ya think this , is EASY to UNleash? NO!- it's NOT!So- here we go! Now. where was I? Oh Yeah, I plucked up EVERYone , I got my grasp upon!Am I proud of this, inescapeable fact? NO!------

                              Reality, at times, bites! BUT- I  fell towards a solution. I, chose to unleash a NEW me!"Prison, sucks!No, matter what/nor how, one deals with the mess---reality canNOT be excused!"Yeah, I was released. BUT--, I found meself, staring at a sense of truth, I, knew NOT existed! "fear?", you betcha!SO, I thought a sense of "Safety Dance," was proper. What the pluck did I know?! I'll TELL you, what I found........a truth, no REAL person could escape!I don't give a flying , fig neuton, what you think is COOL! Fact of the matter, IS, we, stupid humans, THINK- we got it under control?! "WE," don't know diddly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I, ain't nothin' , but a human, meself, BUT- none of US, can claim SHIT, untill we get REAL! Please, don't even skrew with youself.FACT, of the matter, IS- it didn't begin with US, and, IT doesn't end with us, either!We , are just stupid humans. Gimme a REAL break. YOU, R just as FOOLISH, as I am!

         I am NOT well!, BUT, I, played a game, with a delightful friend, this evening!AND- Ya know what? At this point, I'm NOT intererrested, in playing /NOR finding elloquent dialect, in order to appease you/ NOR , I'd MUCH ratherfind succulent joys, in playing with a friend!I had MORE fun, playing with me friend, than YOU could promise! YEAH-I , Need you! I , require absolute attention!--HOWEVER- can you provide me with, a solution?I'm one , whom, thinks NOT! You can't , even think through your own saga! What makes you desire to illuminate , mine???????????????Peace Be Unto...

What a Learning process?!

Nope!, I don't think any of the participants of That nights adventures, will be forgotten. As I recall, I had it in my mind, that because I was a stay at home , Mom, it couldn't get any better than that. We had kegs, everyother night, and on the weekends, mixed in some other mood alterators. Yet, my son, Zakkary, was loved and cared for, and this was just the way we were. I had NO, Possible idea, I could offer him SO, MUCH more! So, we continued on, in this kind of respect.OR- should I say, DISrespect, of life in general! If you'll recall, we lived in a ONE bedroom apt., with two babies , two men and myself. Elton, is Zakkarys' daddy, and his Best friend, Trone/Tony Soloski, was ....THE BEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET! As time went on, I grew tired of Elton , for he didn't work, and the picture of life, was becoming dim. The ongoing party sagas, were bleeding us dry, and I harbored a growing resentment. I grew, more and more attracted, in Love , with Tony, and when push came to shove, he recipricated those feelings. Needless to say, Elton was asked to leave, and Tony and I fell into eachother, hook, line and sinker. He worked with his Dad, and my heart Raced, as he came through the door, at the end of the day!Unfortunately, every nirvana, has a down side, when one does NOT practice a lick of humility or gratitude! I looked a gift horse, directly in the mouth, and took EVERYTHING:(, for granted.I kick myself , every day, for skrewin' up SO much! A week or so, later, we were invited to a Gala, located up in the boonies, called, Lake Winloa. At this point, Tazra and her child, Jade, moved up there, [Tony and I and Zakkary-had the castle to ourselves:):):):).]So, we packed us up, into our Yugo, and departed for the occassion. Now, I must take this opportunity, to disclose a secret, with hard ass honesty. Behind Trones' back, I continued, periodically, to shoot up, cocaine:( Yes , I was a bathroom junkie. Only once in a while, but, STILL, I put myself and my blessings , at the disposal of the devil , himself?!Now, ANYone, whom has experienced addiction, knows fool well, once one begins drinking, all barriers for intellect, have been swallowed and perished. Whilst we went, hog wild drinking, up at the lake, I got on the phone to try to hook me up. I found a YES, and made the decision, to pack us all up, and head back to Scranton! A friend, Karen, was accompanying us, so, there was Trone/Zak/Karen, and I was the driver.This , turned out to be the worst night of my entire life! "Yugo," into a tree! And, as you know, Yugos are nothin' more than a beer can with wheels!Tony, was in a coma, Karen broke her hip, Zakkary was paralized from a fractured spine, for the snap on his car seat, UNlatched on impact, and I took the steering wheel out and imbedded the emergency brake lever inside my thigh.There is an odd fact, to this scenario! TWO WEEKS, AFORE THE ACCIDENT, Toni went to his family, and made them VOW, that if he were EVER to be placed on a machiene , in order to stay alive, "PULL THE PLUG!"They found him MORBID! Lest, they agreed, and , a few days after the nightmare, the plug WAS pulled, and Tony is gone. Zakkary, spent years in The Childrens Hospital, in Phillidelphia, and is , STILL paralized at the age of 15 years old. He used to speak with me, but his adoptive mother, HAD to allow him to know who I was and what I had done. He wishes NOT to EVER forgive me, and quite frankly, I don't blame him, but, knowing that he Loves Jesus, the GREAT forgiver, I pray constantly, he will see fit, to . Karen, Thank God, has healed perfectly, and I saw her , a few years ago, and she is in nursing, as her occupation.It took me 8 1/2 months, to learn how to walk and think , again. After, I served three-six, in Muncy State Penetentery!The lawyer, told my Dad, IF, he paid him X-amount of Thousands of dollars, he could probably get me off?! "Can you make Toni alive, again, CAN, you make my son to walk, again?" "I've gambled ENOUGH, with others love/lives/monies,I am guilty, and I WILL serve my time!"I also included a lot of "french" words---but that isn't neccessary, TODAY! During my stay, at Muncy, I EARNED, my highscholl diploma, taught other women to read and do math, as THEY were trying for a diploma, as well, and I sang on the Church choir. I HAD, to make something, ANYTHING, right! I, then, chose to go through a program, called, "The Wings Of Life."This, was a HARD core rehab, with a whole lot of angry, women, who STILL , had some strange need to prove some sort of strong/cold POWER. Power my ass, IF we were so darn powerful, why are we where we are?I watched, during thr 2 1/2 years , I spent there, the same women, being released, and in a week or so, coming back in, spewing,"HEY BAY, DID YA MISS ME?" -----------NO!, not THIS much! Another thing , that quite got my dander up, was, WHEN- it became ones turn for freedom, these spiteFULL women[for the lack of a better adjective.] would search for ways to bust 'em, so as to delete their depature??!! It makes NO sense , to me, for -"AT LEAST SOMEONE IS GETTING OUT OF THIS HELL!" Self CENTERED, mind fame/frame, made me sick! However, did you ever notice, how , IF someone really irks the shit outta you, it IS due to similarities, you notice, that you don't like about yourself?! I, finally earned my release , into a 1/2 way house, where I became the thing that couldn't leave! I spent , close to, two years, there.I worked at two different jobs and attended meetings. THIS- is how I met my husband, whom was going through the "Salvation Army Rehab."I was NOT looking for a boyfriend, or anything else, if you get my drift!We became "FRIENDS," [ LATER-i FOUND HE THOUGHT HE LIKED MY NIPPLES, WHICH, HE says, WERE VISIBLE, THROUGH my body suit?!] Time spent together, became wonderful, and "I" fell head over heals in love.We secured an apartment, and I was awarded weekend passes, to spend with my fiance' and me cat, Scamper. All was hopefull.      UNTILL- ...    Now, Alan, is impecably "FONZI," like and Always predictable. Lest, one weekend, me WHOLE world shifted!He had proposed marriage to me, over the radio, with a song , dedicated to me, to boot!I danced my ass off, throughout the entire 1/2 way house, in ULTIMATE joy! Being a Friday, I , also, had me bags packed for the weekend! I arrived at the apt., and cuddled the cat----then , as I waited for his scheduled return, I tidied the apt.! Now, there was a huge window, right off the roof of the porch below, and I anxiously awaited his arrival, so that I could give him a resounding , YES! I waited, continuously....      finally, he staggered around from the back, SMASHED!"We had plans, to stay sober, and build a life," I SCREAMED! He cried. I forgave, and , he buckled down! for a while, untill we were Wed! He hasn't stopped, YET!:(. I HAD, seven YEARS, of complete abstinence! YET- when there's a void, which one CANNOT fill, "WHEN IN ROME."

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

TOO much , sumtimes!

Yes, in gosh darn deedie, I arrived in "Scranton-Screamtown! I , was a bus crash, lookin' to LAND! I, located a fist full of moldable opportunities. HEY!- I , was new, and I , not only followed, BUT, I LED! Please, allow me to get back on track, here.--------AFTER, THE mountain parties, , I found a lot of different outlets! 'UN"till, THE break up , of the fields! At  this point, I was on me own, to fetch for a new standard! NOW!, i'm capable , of going in directions , you wouldn't even WISH to fathom! Cum on, let's be honest. MY- sense of survival, , IF thought about, closely, WOULD make your skin crawl off your skeletal figurine! Fathom THIS, babe! Put yourself in my place. THEN, "AFTER," you contemplate it, thoroughly, FACE me!                    "NO!"---NOone is perfect! But, f_ck me, I'd like to see, [NO- I wouldn't,] see how YOU, would handle this discrepancy?! SKREW, the sizemantology of your fuckin' wallet, where IS your sense of humanity?????????????? In THESE days, I carry MORE clout in my sport bra, than you will EVER sense , in your make-up!BUT- that's not the entire point!YEAH- perpants, I'm bawling me eyes out, RIGHT now! R U happy, NOW?At TIMES, it really, quite stinks, to get honest! "REALITY," WHAT A CONCEPT:(- fACT OF THE MATER , is, you've NO right , to take another , into your grasp, and DAMAGE them! NO!- you assholians, didn't damage me. You MADE meSTRONGER!  BACK, to my initialization to Screamtown, Pa.I, forwarded myself, found a succulent Dude, "which- I already had a dude from RE-hab, an abominable cutie, coming OFF of "Heroin." BUT- Dude that I came accross, didn't even do ANYthing , but smoke pot?! WELL- a bit of LSD!at times. OR- so I thought. This , Dude, enraptured my existance, to the point of, where , I canNOT, even explaine! WITH all, due respect, Ya gotta read this----I, gave my dude , up, for "Elton John Santos!" I , was 18 yrs old, he was 13. The FUCK, if he responded that way/age! I, tossed the OTHER dude! And, ran FULL throttle, toward Elton!Believe me, that , wasn't my style!B-U-T, E.J., mesmirised me!           pause-                  One evening, through our ILLiterat understandings, we dropped a hit. I , requested him to go for cigarettes, as I showered. AS, I was attempting to finish the sudz , he ejoined, and made no stopage ,  at JOINING ME, dressed from head to boots, in LEATHER /LEVIS/ and WORK boots to ice the cake!" BABY CAKES, your ass is MINE!" and he took my front-------------I'm NOT onto the back doorway, crap! Lest, we broke furniture, here- there- and-EVERYWHERE! NEXT THING WE KNEW, "zAKKARY tYLER,  was concieved! AND, so was OUR love! DID it , stop, there? GIME a break! The SAD part, of the honesty, IS, I picked up , on shooting onto me veins, COKE! He fought , against ALL odds, to S-T-O-P, me! I, wasn't hearing it. HE- let go of the whole, lot!-----SO, I took, ride in the bathroom. "Who would know?" How's about, ANYONE, with a brain , that still functioned?! WHO?, would/could , be such a moronic turd? We , had this Galla,at one evening. A bunch of us , were hangin' out, and [lest , me, found a DISappointed hippy], and invited him, so, as we could bennefit from his stash of ACID! For HONEST, he came to our house, located on "William St.," and joined our extravaganza! He, then, provided us with a plentiful sense of doses! THE, UN fortunate reality, was, as , I did NOT become aware of the S.C.A.M,me little friends , took the  poor , simpleminded , individual, for a ride-----I'm SURE, he will NOT forget!Fact of the matter, IS- they squanked 'em! I , had NO idaea- for I would NOT, have approved! Truther Muck, the, entireity, of North Scranton, took on , another set of stANdards!!!!! Fact of the matter, IS, in a ONE bedroom, apt.,we had MORE than SHOULD reside! On, that EVE., everyone in North Scranton, tripped their eyes OFF!YES, I had most of 'em,BUT....At one point, "JUKIE", arrived, dressed in a complete GORILLA COSTUME, FROM HEAD, TO TOE! We, were chilin', next, E.J., announces that there is a Gorila, that, wishes to dliver a PIZZA! "WHAT,YOU R OUT YOUR MIND!" I REPLIED! Next thing "I" know- there IS a fullblown APE, at my door, peddling PIZZA!"Tazra," screams, "NO," I'm peaking!" So , the APE, throws the box, upon the floor, beats his chest, YELLING, "Jungle Love, Baby!" need I say more?                  "The Politics of Dancing!"Lemme ASK U this?, HOW would you deal with this hyerarchy?


Sometimes, this stinks!

Dear, LORD!- I am, desperately trying to , orchestrate a book, seneid around what I was?!!!! The fact of the matter, IS, I can't get the f_ck outta TODAY????[crossed eyes!] Now, I beseech you, don't fail me NOW! I just bump around, a bit! Lemme ask you a question?! For a day and a 1/2, I've been trying to reach my husband on his TECHNOTRONIC device, and NO-GO! I'm not completelt blasei'! The "mother," is completely obsessed, with his control of 'US." YET- the FU_K, "indeed," has gone back to , not only his work, BUT- his flavorite past time, POT DEALING!:(- For the life of me, I canNOT understand , the consumtion of joys, that envelope POT smokers[crossed eyes.] Wait, I drink like a fish outta water! SKREW- I'd bury an out right IRISHMAN, in the dust! B-U-T- , I've come across these individuals, that DON'T get outta BED, without a toke of seven! To be QUITE HONEST, "if,' I gave that a puff........I wouldn't get outta BED!!!!!!!!!ESPECIALLY, if I were with a competant companion! Awe, gee/wilikers, ain't no body, "that," doesn't make sense to!Has

Lookin' for prayers, and adding a blog.

Me pages, run from bottom , UP! I desired to make a TODAY, log, to me story. This doesn't follow suit, but it is as important to me, as what ALL led up to it:). Despite all my antics and dramas, TODAY, I am privy to obtaining a job.In Shea Lackawanna jail, I had a wonderful cell mate named Lynda.She rescued me then , and she's at it again:). She and I, are going to GET, this job, paying  , about 8-9 dollars an hour, taking calls from people , whom whish to place ads. It requires NO LIFTING, as you will learn, why I CANNOT, and , since I don't drive, she is enamored, in which to be my charriot:).She could use the self esteem , as well do I, and we get along, quite nicely. Talk about, "What goes around, comes around."I think this opportunity, has come around, since I dyed my hair, a normal blonde, rather than BLUE! The GREAT satisfaction, to be EARNING my OWN wage, and to be the one, whom provides some little EXTRAS for my children, all on me own, ignights my molecular being and strengthens my view of SELF! Being a single Mom, I live from paycheck, from my daughters SSI, and child support, and I do a GOOD job! BUT-this from me! My reflection, will be SO much more appealing , to ME. At times, I chose to avoid mirrors.Besides, I have MUCH , to offer. I am a kind, goodhearted person, whom , quite a few ,more, than those whom despise me, dig?! God don't make no junk!Today, I am taking note of that wonderment FACT, an going forward! Skrew "Loreal," I'm worth it, because , I am. Thankyou, for letting me tell you about , EVERYTHING. I couldn't afford to pay you, for the blessed , services, rendered.I hope YOUR day, IS a magical one[kiss.]

Monday, March 27, 2006

Let's get back to the story?!

I NEED, to thank you! It was  an absolute adventure, to tripp back , through time, and visit my realizations of what I played with! I hope, to GOD, you can feel that, sporadically, I cry my ass of, and , YET, there are those precious times where I giggle profusely:)-At this point, one MUST find humor, in these sagas. Well, THIS one, does!I  DO apologise for the rant I placed. This was located on the , "Who's Your Daddy," page! I , simply had a pent up, verbal ejaculation. So kill me.Please, let us go forward?! Hitting , Scranton, Pa., I began another run.I met this one, and that one, most likely , due to the costumes I posed. Feel this, though, I ached for my older set of companions! I was comfotable with them, for my acceptance was already established.One thing, led to another , forwarding excursion.Now, I had already been educated in the art of substance abuse, which at this point, was my way of escaping life!However, I thought I was simply making progress?! "I swang, with the Big Dogs," and seemed to fit in , much easier. That is where, "East Mountain ," parties began! The spot was located in a remote , back setting of a rough turraine, where we "PROFESSIONALS," CARRIED 1/2 KEGS BY THE PLENTY, OVER JAGGED ROCKS, TO A NESTLED AREA, and carried on.The cost was , @ $2.00, per head, and one could stay as long as they wished. MOST, would kick 'em.Nine times, outta ten, all went somewhat smoothely, 'cept, whence the 5-0 decided they'd put their handwritten INVITES, into practice. To THIS day, it still amases me , how we plastered fools, cascaded down the sides of the mountain, to escape capture??! 7 times , outta 10, they MAYBE , got one or two, of us. "I", was not one of 'em. This , went on for years, untill the ONset of other mood altering substances, came into play. After that, most went their own ways. The rest of the inhabitants, just gave up, and chose a new direction!

                  During the lighter parts of the day, the majority of the clowns, hung out at the "falls," at "Nay Aug Park." One man/boy, named Chris Heffinger, would ride his bike, off the side of "Suicide." This was ONE of the strategic cliffs, that landed in the churning waters, at the bottom of the falls! It , would J-U-S-T , clear the jagged cliffs, protruding from beneath its realm of existance.Funny part of it, was, I, NO MATTER how much I drank, couldn't EVEN get the courage to , merely, JUMP off the humble "Couch," protrusion???!EVERYBODY else, could! big tough me, huh? "HINT?" perhaps.Awe, well, that was a send to MOTHER!"Awe, she loves me!" The whench hadn't the foggiest!Anyone wish to explain THAT fact?

Friday, March 24, 2006

What's your name, Who's your Daddy?

I'm a secret. They did their best, to keep me hiden! I , just got pised off enough, to come out of the closet! I, spent enough years in the closet! Drug induced legislate, SUCKS! It's an awesome , reality, to OPEN ones' blinds, for you haven't ANYthing to hide!"Just give me what I want, and NO one gets hurt?!" BUPKISS! The Mountain Parties , were extraordinary. The shows of EXTRAordinary strengths, were beyond ones' perceptions! There were a whole lot of us, unacknowledged brats, whom clung to one another! What the fuck ELSE did we have to hold?? Fact of the matter, WAS- SOME of us came out smellin' like a rose?!One hasn't the right, to even question.The fact of the matter, IS- some of us DID IT! Yeah- we fuckers , survived, and there is nothing you can do about it! How, Ya like us , NOW?! YES!- WE, piss you off, extreamly. Because? You wished we would sink,,,,BUT- we didn't! I've had it up to my eyeballs, with , those , whom find it O.K.,to bear children, only to WAITE, 4 them to meet their demise! How DARE you?Awe, but , skrew. You assholians, wouldn't accept life if it bit you in the groin!Pardon me, I simply got a wee bit , too REAL! Fact of the matter , IS- no matter how far I've accomplished, you , were NOT, an asset!Think I'm fucking with you ? TRY! to kiss me.I'd spitt , in your face-------------nope! I would not, for I would be lowering myself to your, level! Have you ANY idea, of how we feel? Lemme tell you something. EVERYONE, has a heart! You asholians, haven't a clue!We, ARE human beings, and , whether you feel  us, or NOT- we ARE here!I'm REALLY not concerned with how much you earn, 'cuz, where is the LOVE?"All because of you.I AM?!U2.

            Back to the reason , I began this in the first place.How do we decipher? When do we account, where love, BUIlds, and farce, reigns?"I am NOT an Animal,  I am a Human being!" For THAT matter, what is wrong with Animals? They have , more intelligence, than us, UPrights!--WHAT--does the truth hurt?


This is page # three...

This is the third page of me book. I have spotted a pair of Perriwinkle Converse High tops, at the mall:)- I just HAD to share that, for Perriwinkle, is me flavorite coloure! Back to the initial reason for my writing...Please, permit me to bounce around [just a bit,] whilst I orchesrtrate this.About the boarding schools, YES, I said I was quite aware of my parental units , pawning me off! B-U-T, part of my stayes, were an absolute scream! The first one, "Chartwell Manor Country Day and Boarding School," is now shut down because of the fondleing of little boys, ETC! It was run by a man named "Sir" Lynch, and his wife Judith. He, walked around in a black cape and whence we were bad, we were paddled with a huge , wooden clothing brush.His wife, Mrs. Lynch, was about 375 lbs.,with a hair do of JET , black hair in an unruly tower, upon her head. SHE, paddled the girls, and on the back of the clothing brush, were carved initials of the subjects, whom were paddled and had enough chutzpa[balls], to go in , afterward, and claim their poisoned toole of correction! If one was due a substantial correction, ones' heiney would bleed from the cuts of initials, imbedded in their skin.I was 10 yrs. old. Other than the masocistic heads of this school, I had an interresting time, truth be told. The second school, I don't happen to recall, at all! That, is where I was introduced to "Puffin' The Cheba."Although, I do , recall when there was the father/daughter baseball game. Now, granted, we , young women hadn't seen out families, 'cept for the holidays, so "THIS," was a big deal! My Dad, had to work?! Yet, Marilyn had sent me, to sport for the team, a pure, silk T-Shirt."Awe, she loves me." I was playing shortstop, well, I was short, 'cept for my ballsiness, I feared NOTHING. Now, you CANNOT tell me , God, doesn't have a sense of humor! Thankyou , Jesus, He does:)- A six foot , something man/Dad, stepped up to the plate, and spiked a line drive , straight for me. Have Mercy, I misjudged the ball, and it BEE-lined me , directly in the nose! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ther went Marilyns' expensive shirt, and Dad got a ticket for s-p-e-e-d-i-n-g to make sure I wasn't brain damaged:)-"Awe, he loves me."I sound like a brat, don't I? I was, BUT- I did NOT get my nose smashed on purpous! I wouldn't wish that on anyone, well, maybe "Osama."Lest, THE Dandiest school I'll keep close to my heart, Especially, because it introduced me to the best woman in the world, was, "Stonleigh-Burnham School 4 Girls!"It was located Massachusets, and provided "VERITAS," as its Cardinal Rule!The grounds were succulent and mezmirising{sue me if I misspelled.]This , is where I truly learned it ALL!We were, mostly 12ish, perhaps 13. Ther was a "butt room," that could NOT be topped, even by some of the bars, around. We were given "card blanche," to paint it how we wished, and a sterio system, that was NO JOKE! It was equiped with tables and chairs, even a bar area, and ashtrayes a plenty. Please, feel me, when I say that 92% of the women, were given parental permission, to smoke![one couldn't? go in if not.] Yeah, and I'm the Easter Bunny.Still, the Whole, of the school, was QUITE reputable, as a matter of fact, I'd recommend it to anyone, whom wishes to send their daughter for a competent education!Still ,Yet- money matters?! Some of the student body, were from humble families/YET, others were from filthy rich. "Ziggie," and I , came to be roommates and I could NOT have found a more delightful person, even if I COULD have paid for one! All the rooms had bunks in 'em, and at the time, I Adored the top! This was splendid for Ziggie, for she wished NOT- to be spotted in the morning, and I kept one of my blankets, tucked and dropped over the side , toward the door. Our room window, happened to be located DIRECTLY above the outside smoke area, and we lulled the smokers with one speaker, strategically placed, as we both hung out , and joined the smokering blowing brigade, like ROYALTY! Truth be told, Zig and Otis[that was me,] ruled the cool squad!All was a dreamlike get away, UNTILL...   Please recall , my refference to the moneys. SomeHOW, ACID , had made it's way into our grasp. Now, the more meager funded, well, we split the 4 way WindowPain, and had a GREAT time. UNfortunately, those with funds a plenty, chose to hoard entire 4WAY chips to themselves:( and next we knew, there were , "Jamie," whom took a ride down the immense, snow covered hill, on a laundry bag. CAUGHT!Dorian, chose to play with the headlights on the neighboring Highway,CAUGHT! Etc.! Ziggie and I, kept our colourful composiure, and escaped expulsion, whilst we , in a day or so, left for Christmas, with our families. Now, get this one! My family, decided to spend it in Florida, with my beloved Nonny and Poppy. On Christmas Eve, the phone rings and it is "Stonleigh Burnham, asking that I NOT return, 'cept to obtain my belongings! "VERITAS," it'll git Ya every time, don't Ya know.Thank The Good LORD, above, I've never lost MY Ziggie, but I would-a-loved, to have been able to take one of the pillows, stained with resin ,lip marks from the BONG excursions, in Dee's room!Now THAT, would be a suveniere![sorry, for the spell job.] Alas, another chapter, in my life, IF , anyone cares.But HEY, they paid for this kinda training.Who am I , to argue? It's cool, you can laugh. Allow me to pose to you, I am NOT, trying to paint myself as something special! WORD! But as I continue, due to Gods' plan to have SOMEthing , intended with me, I feel compelled to share this lunacy, and giggles, 'cuz if ANYone doesn't find this shit, UTTERLY uninterresting, well....I'm NOT , a paid actress, nor do I have a band, anymore, but FUCK, this is amazing, even to me, I , STILL, pinch myself, to accept the validity to my existance! The extream pleasure, I get from , rehashing these facts and , being still alive to share them, is that it has instilled such a sense of meaning in my life and soul! You know, those movies, as ,"Animal House," etc.,how 'bout this? I was so radical and wild, I had NO idea, there even should be anything else.How I survived, is beyond my imagination, my WILDEST imagination.Funny thing is, when I was young-er, ha, ha, I was withdrawn and picked on, profusely! I remember, one time , in grade scholl, I got my ass whooped, by this TINY chick named Suzie Price. After she opened up a can , on me, I ran home , with my feet , betwixed me legs, only to have THE coolest witch in school, named Toni Crispen, to show up at me house , afore I got up to Marilynville, and she showed me a few moves. she felt bad for me, and took me under her wing , with her German Sheppard , named "Taffy." I, kinda believe this is where my standing , took OFF! A couple of days , later, "Suzie," called me out, again. I applied one of the moves, turned to obtain Tonis' approval, and sprained her neck! She, finally showed up for school , wearing a neck brace, and none bothered me , since! OOps, I forgot to tell you, I used to escape to Tonis' house to practice lighting black and white candles, over some odd star configuration.Of course, I learned, later in life, Ya feel me?!Cranberries were involved, so, perhaps , that is where the got their potency? NOT! God, grew 'em fer a reason, NO candles or star formations , required!!!!  "Come down off your thrown, and leave your body , alone."somebody MUST change, and that SOMEBODY, was me! Beautiful people, I am NOT preaching. But, I'll be dagnabbited, if there isn't SOMEONE, that feels me, can identify, at least, share the wealth of NOT being SO alone in a trek that, at times, is aweful frightening. SKREW, for latching on to some individual, that, for real/fer REAL, you quite despise. If ONLY, we just said HELLO, to perfect strangers, for no other reason, than THEY have a pulse/heart/soul/story, TOO, there just MIGHT be less of a need for prozak??!!Me , personally, feel, that if the Drs, are so grand in handing out "pills for EVERYTHING," what's wrong with MANDATING, full body massages , twice a week? WHAT, ins., won't cover it? BALDERDASH!and that's all i have to say about that. I Thank YOU, for allowing me to VENT/SHARE, with you. I pray, I've not offended ANYone. Twas not my intent! I'm just gittin' it out, alas, I find myself , less cumbered. It's odd, to me, to address my things , I have RUN from , for years, 42 of 'em, to be exact. Wanna know something?  I feel 3/4 inches better.No matter ANY amount of money, or the sly , tactless applications , to push forward , SOMEones wallet, you have given me something, that NONE, can EVEN put a price on! Peace Out...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I thought I'd elaborate-

At this point, I feel a burning need to elaborate on , one or two observations. After reading/writing about the episode of my begining?!, who COULDN'T, have found a focal point? I selected to mention, how I could have done QUITE a bit more gracious, in my delivery of dumbfounded anticts!However, I did NOT! Thank, GOD- I am earning a level of existance, Today, where I take the time, to reflect on my selfdestruction capabilities.I was , blogged by Gail. Her response, was, "Dear me, I didn't know!" How could she, I stayed profficiently silent. One would have to, do you not agree?Needless to say, it's a bit embarrassing."Disheveling," perhaps would be a better adjective.Yet, since my life was , as usual, scooped up ina vast, financial save auto pilot, what did I care?!I was safe at home?,with my cat, "BabyDoll Vicious," and a brand new attempt at havock.Nestled , securely, in the paid for nest of protection, and a chance to get 'em back, for what responsibilities they shunned! How fortunate, for me, Marilyn ,was on her own path of destruction, in New York , City:):):)- The place was mine, to do with, what I designated.However, I was a child of Hollywood! I came back to , one of the least of towns, compared to L.A., with 1/2 my head shaved and clad in PUNK style clothing, that belonged in a bondage book, one would find scarey!By the way, Dad, didn't foot the bill for me to bring any friends ,with! FUCK, now I gotta git some new ones, "IF," I am to continue with the lifestyle I am accustomed with??!Awe Shit, here we go , again, searching for acceptance.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

All the twix, that make me tick...

It's gonna be rough, at first! There will be times, when , even "i" don't realise what I am saying. But- I guarantee you this, wear your seat belts, cuz it WILL be a tripp.I have people tell me that I have a knack , for writitng. Perhaps I do, for I seem to hold an aweful lot of pent up emotions/thoughts, in this medium sized body of mine.I shall not be punctuating , properly, for I have only a limited space to fill, so write yer congressman, if you become overly irked:)Besides getting the hang of this site.....I haven't got the whole "pewter"thang down?! Talk about playing by ear.However, I've noticed, they provide a "spell check."WHOA! I have two , beautiful girls, and we are begining an incredible journey. Allow me to be , more precise. I skrewed up, and was made to separate from them, for, four L-O-N-G months. Upon my return, I arrived to entities, I hardly knew?! I was forced to leave them with their hard working/drinking dad, and, as the days progressed, I found that he placed them in his own disfunctional saga. NEEDLESS to say, they are at odds, of which way to fly, and why.I have taken the loving steps, of launching , within our lives, a program, entitled, "Youth Advocacy."In the three , short weeks, they have been guiding us, LITTLE by little, we Are making glorious progress, with Hopes and Dreams, possible.Rome, wasn't built in a day, but , with loving patience and a WHOLE lotta tears, [mine mostly]we WILL survive miraculousely.The whole thing , brings me WAY back, to earlier days of existance, including, other children, and people of SUCH importance!Please, Pardon me, if , at times, I let go with a few staggering curse words, but this ain't no cake walk for me, yet , "IT" is mine and I ache to touch base with it.Now, don't get me wrong, I have earned phenominal praises, THESE days...but there ARE  people , whom would DElight , in WATCHING me suffer a devistating demise!Funny part of it, is, NONE of those, whom I've touched, can go without an honest giggle! TRULY, I am a character!And I've pulled some stunts that NONE can, nor wish, to forget:)My POOR father!My family, bought me!I am told, I AM, my fathers' daughter. My mother, I've only seen a photo of , with her name cut off. It was sent to me, in my 11th Birthday card, whilst I resided at a Boarding school, located in Mendham N.J.! Marilyn/aka mom, was peeved at me. YEP, I got put into "NO HOLDS BARRED," at the age of 11:) I thought, I was the "cherries jubilee." I acted that was, as well.I allowed myself to smoke pot, and get drunk, as cigarretes, early in the A.M., gave a pleasant rush, when one shakes their head back and forth.Are Ya FEELIN' me?Too much, TOO soon, IF, Ya ask me. But , I wouldn't admit it to you!Now, the next extravaganza, was to be shipped to Europe, with the school, for my summer break?!VERY few, shaved! BUT- the usage age was NIL! YippieKaiYaiYeah!I, today, am shocked, that I didn't pose nude , for an artist.After graduation from La-La Land, I juggled a few more out of the way schools!After a sound excursion with 4 way windowpane LSD, I was expelled.The "Thang," of the school, was Veritas, which is Latin, for TRUTH!I got honest, I got OUT!WHERE, to ship her , now????Praise be, my Blessed cousin, Gail, whom I choose to feel IS the only Mother, I ever had, reached out and nestled me, ---BEST she could.However, truth be told, HOW, could ANYone, leash a flame, that had been LIT, and then left to simmer, UNtouched, for so long?THIS, blessing, began a rampaid of UNgrateful anticts and a path of profound destruction.Mother/Cousin Gail, is a beautiful lesbian. This, I have NO quamms about, for I,myself, am a proud and loving [picky] bi-sexual.I find the art of two,INlove women, together, a "Rembrandt," in the making!The gentle cascade of caressing attention, ignites my molecular being!TOO, many times, I have witnessed hetrosexual happenings, to be "WHAM BANG,FUCK YOU MAME."During my sellect,hetro escapades, PERSONALLY, most of 'em could give a rats' ass, about the melodic foreplay, that paints a tapestry of loving , harmoniuos ART!That is just my opinion, everyone has an earlobe , too.My computer, is signaling , that I am coming to the end of my allotted space.I, can only pray, that I am allowed to carry forth, without, the skip of my beat.Forgive me, if it cuts me shorter than I am now.Especially, since me travels , through California, at Gails', has SO much more to be shared!UNfortunately, I must, honestly report of my shennanigans, that left my Mother, at her wits END!GAil, provided me with a loving, YET, rule required atmosphere.Foolishly, I trampled on, THE best opportunity I had ever been privy to.One night, I had a friend, Andrea, stay over, and we chose to drop ACID. All, WAS-going smoothly, UNTILL, my brain had control access to the radio stations and electricity. I mentally , melted the freezer side of the two doored fridge, and found , myself stuck in the shower, withOUT use of the COLDwater.Needless to say, I freaked the daylights, out of Andrea, and awoke in the middle of my bed, Naked, and in the fetal possition?!Perhaps, Andrea and I had TOO much fun?! Lest, I moved to "Whittier,Calif.," with "Kia Starchild," my boyfriend, I had met on Hollywood Blvd. We, shacked up in a sorority house, with his cat, "Bunches."BLOW MY ASS OUTTA JOINT, I continued school, in L.A., whilst, at night, we'd throw these parties where this Dude, on L-O-A-D-S, rode his motorcycle, up the stairs[loads, are like morophine,dilauded, and codine.]and undergarments hung from every protruding apascratice , available in the house!I awoke, that next morn, to descend the stairs for school, ON:LY to find me Dad! He looked around---SHOCKED, yet, with professional composiure, took me to lunch and , THEN, installed a payphone, to be able to have contact with me??!He hugged me, and departed , back to Scranton, Pa.!Let's get honest, I don't require any more LSD. my family is a tripp, all by itself!Now, I'll have to hope, you don't mind me hopscotchin' about, but, as you can clearly see, I was a bit clouded, from time to time:).So, forgive me, if points escape me, and I back travel.I'd , also, like to take this opportunity, to beg that you keep your conclusions of me as a whole, untill you've finished.{JUST a thought:)}As I resided with Mr. Starchild, and an array of others , whom are/were, AS coloureful as Imy lifestyle, only aided my confusion and self destruction! Did I mention, I was 14 years of age?Maybe 13, only God , knows fer sure!YeaH, I was introduced to a man named Eddie! He was originally , from "Flushing, N.Y.!" He drove a "Challenger," that had FEET, for peddles! The sterio system SHOULD, have made me sterile,BUT...The Glamore', I felt, pulling up to school, "Mid City Alternative School," at my age, was MORE than I could have EVER  handled! Especially, since we had been intimate, Right under Kias' nose/! oops!The bouts with LSD, had shown me things, that, at a regular pace, I'd have not took the time to consider.Alas, KIA, sleeked away, somewhere, somehow, and I was left in a different room, with this NEW roommate.All was sparkling, fer a few.Lest, I grew bored, and met a woman on Hollywood Blvd., whom scooped me up and :(, due to my Poppy's departure fund, cuddled me into an apartment ON, 'Hollywod Blvd."! Her name was Cyndi, and she was a student in a beautician emporium. "FUCKIN'A," I had a bed, in MY room, with a white, mombasa netting over it, and, UPSTAIRS, I was introduced to a dude named Ron, whos' dad was the head of the pharmeceudical dept.,and had the biggest cultivations of "coke," I'd ever imagine possible!O.K., LSD/pot/beer, THAT was me ONLY triumphant dabbles, in the drug world! BUT- this Coke, holy God!!!!!! They taught me how to cook it, into rock form,and smoke it , through these , almost religious tubes and bongs, with a ceremonial preparation, one could not fathom at the age of 14!The supply, could/would , not end! However, all things must come to a hault, and we ran short, after a night of many participants. WHOOIE!, did I mention , Ron had an exotic parrot? he did. And , when the fuel ran away, those , whom tried it, KNOW-one looks for escape rocks, which may have gotten away. I FOUND A DELICIOUS ONE! or so i thought! I placed it on the toole, and LIT up.------"PARROT SHIT!"                Did that stop me? nope.  To make a long storie, slightly shorter, During, my cascades through "Hollywood," and all I trampled , during it, "Rosanna Arquette," showed me what the Bar scene was , and I decided to shave the right side of me head and get Really into costumes!!!like an idol trott through "PUNK ROCK!"I , related to their themes, like non else!I, was 14, and I was the shit! or so i thought.Fact of the matter, is, I claimed Hollywood, an my life, like I was THE movie. I, was INdestructable! ""UNTILL""", the night I smoked up with a new set of partakers! When, the stash ran lowER, this dude, fantsized about a calculated scam of pure robbery. "STEAL?" Fuck that! They chained me to a bed, and continued their festivities.THANK GOD-The mans' woman, felt bad for me, and stole the key to the handcuffs, after he passed out, from the lack OF, and kissed my forehead and said, "GO!"I got home, quickly, and called my Dad, to BEG, to come home with my cat.I resigned my mombassa netting, and got home!A wee bit of pause here. This tale is NOT a farce! This, fuckin' shit is true!At THIS, point of my life, I COMPLETELY, realise how GOD watched over me. Can ANYone, beg to differ???????? Looks to me, like the computer, has got a grab of attentiveness to this story, TOO, for I should have been cast OUT, a bit ago!By the knowledge, that I AM, the one , whom is composing this ellaborate tale, I have a strange notion, you will continue to partake of this amazing reality.Fact of the matter , IS, when asshole, here, got home, it ALL becomes even, MORE twisted!By the way. IF, you think this is comfortable to FACE, lest alone , to print, "THINK AGAIN!"[i kinda borrowed that from,"Law and Order," CSI] Yo!, I gotta be addicted to something. However, I MUCH , More, relish the tunage , that is available, rather than the sitcom bullSHIT, Some, Poor souls, find humerous.  At this point, I thank you! As well as, to break fer a few, for I FULLY, intnd to go snuggle my daughters , I DOING right!To be Quite honest, I am NOT, trying to match myself with ANYone!Who the fuck cares?Lest, as you approach the end of this magnanomous tale, "HOPEFULLY,"someone, Somewhere, will find a nitch, and earn the knowledge, that, it doesn't begin/nor END, with me, or you.I spent WAY , TOO much -waisted excursions and efforts ----on what?It IS, a miracle, that I am with you, today!Instead of saying, "sorry," for your sake, begin that way..........however, I have found, that it is referred to, as humility! Just some cool shit to ponder! Wait untill you read what I did, next...

Monday, March 20, 2006

A simple reflection, of my feelings about life, MY life!

                THIS, is going to be a tripp through my space,and you are most welcomed, to join.