Wednesday, March 7, 2007

I need to talk about , Zak.

 TantrumYEP, that's, REALLY, how I feel. However- I threw my fit, the other day, and, now, it's time for me to buck-up, and continue to move forward!

                As it stands, Linda S., Zaks' foster/ now adoptive Mother, let me know, that, Zakkary is dieing. His lungs, are only able to fill , part way, and, he is not permitted to lay, flat!  I, remained Quite calm, as she shared this, in tears, with me, YET- after I hung up, ,well, a few days , later, popped a cogg!! 

              I am remaining in contact, with them, still,  it's, like, pulling TEETH, for her to permitt me to speak to my biological son, whom, wishes to speak with me?!

        Peoples, I understand, that I gave him for adoption, due to the connection he made, whilst I was incarcerated, ETC., and, besides, they had all he required, $$ and stuf, to cradle him in security. Still, I NEVER stopped loving him, and due to their Christian guidance, has forgiven me.Yet, I , am a bit confused?!! She claims to be a Christian woman, and- for the most part, she is. BUT- it has become  apparent to me, that, JEALOUSY, has set in, for , she canNOT fill the ONE space in his heart/life, that , I AM Da Mamma, and it seems to irritate her.NOW, if she's going to go the distance, to alert me to his prognosis, and "periodically," allow us to connect, well, doesn't this go against some of the grains??Between you and I, I'm smellin', hypocrite!

                   I called, and asked her, that, I have a ride to Union Dale, and I'd be SO, grateful, if I could pay, ONE visit, to him, afore the horror, sets in? "I'll have to discuss it with my husband.", was what her response was.

             Fellow readers, I am NOT attempting, to snatch him away! AND, granted, I am Completely aware, that his condition, is the repricussions, of  {MY} lunacy/fault! But, this should NOT be taken out on him!He, WISHES, to see me. He, LOVES me, I'm his Mommie. Readers, JESUS, forgives! I placed my soul, in excrusiating disgust, and shame, for YEARS...B-U-T, if JESUS forgives me, whom am I, NOT to?!!SO- - - I have pulled myself together, and changed my horrible ways. THE LORD, has blessed me , with TWO Beautiful daughters, and I take loving care of them, and ME:0- THIS, I do for JESUS, me, Ashley, Megan, AND, Zakkary Tyler!

               AND, why is it, neccessary, for a woman, to be so double -sided? "IF," I could turn back time...I WOULD! Yet, I can SEE, if, after these facts, I flew away, with no concern, and just trotted onwards, without a care, BUT- I didn't! As I have said/meant/felt, before..."I would have carried him accross the world, on my back, if, that is what he wished!"However, that was NOT, GODS" plan.

           So, I ask of you, PLEASE, keep us ALL, in your prayers. And, KNOW, that no matter what, I shall NOT regress!It's just, on certain days, I could use your support. I'd, also, like to take this chance, to, AGAIN, say, "I AM sorry."

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