Friday, March 31, 2006

What a Learning process?!

Nope!, I don't think any of the participants of That nights adventures, will be forgotten. As I recall, I had it in my mind, that because I was a stay at home , Mom, it couldn't get any better than that. We had kegs, everyother night, and on the weekends, mixed in some other mood alterators. Yet, my son, Zakkary, was loved and cared for, and this was just the way we were. I had NO, Possible idea, I could offer him SO, MUCH more! So, we continued on, in this kind of respect.OR- should I say, DISrespect, of life in general! If you'll recall, we lived in a ONE bedroom apt., with two babies , two men and myself. Elton, is Zakkarys' daddy, and his Best friend, Trone/Tony Soloski, was ....THE BEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET! As time went on, I grew tired of Elton , for he didn't work, and the picture of life, was becoming dim. The ongoing party sagas, were bleeding us dry, and I harbored a growing resentment. I grew, more and more attracted, in Love , with Tony, and when push came to shove, he recipricated those feelings. Needless to say, Elton was asked to leave, and Tony and I fell into eachother, hook, line and sinker. He worked with his Dad, and my heart Raced, as he came through the door, at the end of the day!Unfortunately, every nirvana, has a down side, when one does NOT practice a lick of humility or gratitude! I looked a gift horse, directly in the mouth, and took EVERYTHING:(, for granted.I kick myself , every day, for skrewin' up SO much! A week or so, later, we were invited to a Gala, located up in the boonies, called, Lake Winloa. At this point, Tazra and her child, Jade, moved up there, [Tony and I and Zakkary-had the castle to ourselves:):):):).]So, we packed us up, into our Yugo, and departed for the occassion. Now, I must take this opportunity, to disclose a secret, with hard ass honesty. Behind Trones' back, I continued, periodically, to shoot up, cocaine:( Yes , I was a bathroom junkie. Only once in a while, but, STILL, I put myself and my blessings , at the disposal of the devil , himself?!Now, ANYone, whom has experienced addiction, knows fool well, once one begins drinking, all barriers for intellect, have been swallowed and perished. Whilst we went, hog wild drinking, up at the lake, I got on the phone to try to hook me up. I found a YES, and made the decision, to pack us all up, and head back to Scranton! A friend, Karen, was accompanying us, so, there was Trone/Zak/Karen, and I was the driver.This , turned out to be the worst night of my entire life! "Yugo," into a tree! And, as you know, Yugos are nothin' more than a beer can with wheels!Tony, was in a coma, Karen broke her hip, Zakkary was paralized from a fractured spine, for the snap on his car seat, UNlatched on impact, and I took the steering wheel out and imbedded the emergency brake lever inside my thigh.There is an odd fact, to this scenario! TWO WEEKS, AFORE THE ACCIDENT, Toni went to his family, and made them VOW, that if he were EVER to be placed on a machiene , in order to stay alive, "PULL THE PLUG!"They found him MORBID! Lest, they agreed, and , a few days after the nightmare, the plug WAS pulled, and Tony is gone. Zakkary, spent years in The Childrens Hospital, in Phillidelphia, and is , STILL paralized at the age of 15 years old. He used to speak with me, but his adoptive mother, HAD to allow him to know who I was and what I had done. He wishes NOT to EVER forgive me, and quite frankly, I don't blame him, but, knowing that he Loves Jesus, the GREAT forgiver, I pray constantly, he will see fit, to . Karen, Thank God, has healed perfectly, and I saw her , a few years ago, and she is in nursing, as her occupation.It took me 8 1/2 months, to learn how to walk and think , again. After, I served three-six, in Muncy State Penetentery!The lawyer, told my Dad, IF, he paid him X-amount of Thousands of dollars, he could probably get me off?! "Can you make Toni alive, again, CAN, you make my son to walk, again?" "I've gambled ENOUGH, with others love/lives/monies,I am guilty, and I WILL serve my time!"I also included a lot of "french" words---but that isn't neccessary, TODAY! During my stay, at Muncy, I EARNED, my highscholl diploma, taught other women to read and do math, as THEY were trying for a diploma, as well, and I sang on the Church choir. I HAD, to make something, ANYTHING, right! I, then, chose to go through a program, called, "The Wings Of Life."This, was a HARD core rehab, with a whole lot of angry, women, who STILL , had some strange need to prove some sort of strong/cold POWER. Power my ass, IF we were so darn powerful, why are we where we are?I watched, during thr 2 1/2 years , I spent there, the same women, being released, and in a week or so, coming back in, spewing,"HEY BAY, DID YA MISS ME?" -----------NO!, not THIS much! Another thing , that quite got my dander up, was, WHEN- it became ones turn for freedom, these spiteFULL women[for the lack of a better adjective.] would search for ways to bust 'em, so as to delete their depature??!! It makes NO sense , to me, for -"AT LEAST SOMEONE IS GETTING OUT OF THIS HELL!" Self CENTERED, mind fame/frame, made me sick! However, did you ever notice, how , IF someone really irks the shit outta you, it IS due to similarities, you notice, that you don't like about yourself?! I, finally earned my release , into a 1/2 way house, where I became the thing that couldn't leave! I spent , close to, two years, there.I worked at two different jobs and attended meetings. THIS- is how I met my husband, whom was going through the "Salvation Army Rehab."I was NOT looking for a boyfriend, or anything else, if you get my drift!We became "FRIENDS," [ LATER-i FOUND HE THOUGHT HE LIKED MY NIPPLES, WHICH, HE says, WERE VISIBLE, THROUGH my body suit?!] Time spent together, became wonderful, and "I" fell head over heals in love.We secured an apartment, and I was awarded weekend passes, to spend with my fiance' and me cat, Scamper. All was hopefull.      UNTILL- ...    Now, Alan, is impecably "FONZI," like and Always predictable. Lest, one weekend, me WHOLE world shifted!He had proposed marriage to me, over the radio, with a song , dedicated to me, to boot!I danced my ass off, throughout the entire 1/2 way house, in ULTIMATE joy! Being a Friday, I , also, had me bags packed for the weekend! I arrived at the apt., and cuddled the cat----then , as I waited for his scheduled return, I tidied the apt.! Now, there was a huge window, right off the roof of the porch below, and I anxiously awaited his arrival, so that I could give him a resounding , YES! I waited, continuously....      finally, he staggered around from the back, SMASHED!"We had plans, to stay sober, and build a life," I SCREAMED! He cried. I forgave, and , he buckled down! for a while, untill we were Wed! He hasn't stopped, YET!:(. I HAD, seven YEARS, of complete abstinence! YET- when there's a void, which one CANNOT fill, "WHEN IN ROME."

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