Thursday, November 15, 2007

I am not norml!

          Shine on, you Crazy Diamond! Allow me to disclose some frightening information, about myself.

       As I have told you, earlier, on Dec. 1st, 1990, I drove drunk and , CRASHED!  I paralized my 6 mo. old Son, and KILLED my ULTIMATE boyfriend.

           My Sons' Daddy, Elton, has chosen to delve into heroin. He CONTINUES, to plop IN and OUT of prison, and , EACH departure , from the facility, he seeks me out.

            Each, and every time, I seem to welcome him. A-L-L, THREE ventures, I have provided him with finances, in which to assist his reaffirmation, into civilianness??!!! 'I,' am an assholian! Peoples, I realise, that JESUS has forgiven me. However, either I am a desperate twerp, or I am beseeching a way, in order to repay him, for what I MAY feel, is the reason he delved??!!!

           I Pray, you allow me to share a letter I composed, after he wrote to me, upon his settle , of the third landing in a facility. "I," seem to be the ONLY one , he feels compelled to contact.  Upon recieving his letter, it took me, OVER a week, in order to find the capasity, in which to respond. 'THIS, ' perhaps, is a GOOD sign:)  Afore, I'd have JUMPED onto the FIRST sheet of paper, I could lay my hands on! N-O-T this time!

        HERE!, is my response...

             Well, Hello Elton John-

                  Happy Thansgiving.                                  E.J., I'm not sure what you'd like me to say to you.SO- I shall say , that I THOUGHT, I was going to be able to wear that outfit, as you HELPED me to trim the TREE, this year. I pondered you, being awarded a furlough, to be able to spend such a Glorious Holiday, with a Family whom cared 4 you.

          SILLY me {googlie eyes }

                You Hollered at me, that "HOW DARE ISTICK MY NOSE INTO YOUR BUISNESS. YOU ARE A GROWN ,MAN, AND, eTC.!" ? QUESTION, Elton- WHY, does a grown , strong MAN, continueto rejoin, with institutionalized peoples way of life, instead of living free with people, whom just wished to love you and Build wonderful memories that canNOT be bought or sold?!!

             E.J., I'm not ant better than you. I've , simply had ENOUGH of the pain and solitude, living where I HAVE to be told when I am ALLOWED to breathe my own air! When you First began to write to me, you spoke of the classes you were taking, and PASSED! You spoke of the diplomas you obtained, in which to secure you a WELL paying possition. YET- you come out for a few months, ONLY to hook up connects with , idoitic people, whom only fuel your demise??!!! ELTON, WHY did you Take and Pass the classes, if you simply plan on being housed and kept in such an environment?

                  I gave you, monies, that were for our bills!You broke your VOW, to repay us, and our Water got shut off. I TRUSTED you, and prayed I could help.ALL I did, was to aide a user in which to burry himself, DEEPER, as I allowed myself and my Children, to suffer. GUESS WHAT, I  musta looked , pretty desperate, HUH! I think, I was TOO CAUGHT UP, in giving back, what I stole from you- Dec, 1st, 1990 !! {tears}

                   IF, you wish to write to me further, feel free to and I WILL answer. PERSONALLY, I don't think you have the cahonies. The Freakie thing IS, I still have LOVE for you. However, I'll N-O-T bounce down the alley way, as I go to pick up my Children, like some LOVE-STRUCK 'TEENIE-BOPPER,fooled  into THINKING, I Finally have the hopes of my VERY OWN man,gonna be THERE to hold me when I am frightened, who's going toto the solace of life with a Family, Only to have my desires , SQUASHED like an unwanted bug- ANY longer!


           " Can't we find the minds that Made us , stronger?"         PeaHead-

Elton named me , 'Peahead,' long ago!

              NOW , if this letter is more than neccessary, sue me! THIS, is , NOT ONLY, what I required to say to him, BUT- what I required to realise , MYSELF!

                                              PEOPLES- I spent WAY 2 MANY Years, destroying myself!!     At THIS point of my life, I can't, { forthelifeofme } figure out , WHY?!!  I shielded my observation, to the point of BLINDNESS! I, disfigured myself, and ANYone, whom cared a FIG ABOUT ME!  It's , most likely, that, I am AGING, and I have these Fantastic , little Women, that I didn't , completely maime. 'THIS, ' is why I typed, such a volutile chapter, afore! I , actually WATCH and ABSORBE, the goings on, with these ridiculous peeps, with more $$, than they know what to do with, 'cept ruine themselves and others!

                  SHEET! I'm fortunate to be poor!  I find, I CARE , MORE, about MORE! NOT, that I want more, BUT- that I cherish MORE! OH! PLEASE, don't git me wrong. I, wouldn't MIND a bit MORE!!!!!!!!  It bugs me Greatly, tha I can't provide better for my Babies! However, when MY Parental Units, were flowin' in the dough, 'THEY SENT ME AWAY?' HEY- they could afford it??!!!     SEE- too much fundage, replaces what IS , actually NEEDED!

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