Monday, June 4, 2007

The change in me, fraks me out, sumtimes...

 Flower Heart GlassesMy daughters, will be graduating, on the day, my son was born. I gave Birth to the coolest Dude, on June 6th, {he will be 17 } i stink at #s!

          I was a complete and utter goof ball, after I gave birth to him:(  I, even went as far, as to paralize him, at 6 months of age.  I've already stated this.

            I have, NOT MUCH, however, I have everything!  I sought the niftiest cards, included , Precious pics, and sent, over night, the RING, Marilyn got for me. It is SOLID STERLING SILVER, and I had it engraved, with a "Z!" It was gotten, when I was just a minute big, so it is quite small.  Yet, KNOWING "MY,"son, he will take it to his heart.

            I held back tears, like NOBODIES buisness! The woman, at the Post Office, knows me, believe it or not, I have rectofied my noteworthyness. I walk, everywhere, and I do it with my OWN elloquence. I attempt to speak to all whom I pass, and, have found, many wish to be spoken with!!

            At the moment, I am behind cloked walls, so I have nothing to refrain! I, simply wished to logg this, for , I got a feeling, I'm going to be a mess this evening. {NOT- a BAD mess! } just emotional.

            THERE IS- something I fear. It IS, that after Linda scours the package, she will deem it , UNpresentable, even though I took GREAT measures, NOT, to appear improper in my wordings!!

          It's ODD- I really , do NOT condone her measurements of me, to him. Still, she has CARED for him, for , over a decade, and I am UTTERLY AWARE, that I'd , have lost itin the bathroom, whence he battled the insurmountable surgeries, ETC>!

          I am aware, that MOST of those, whom relinquish their children, make NO URGE, to connect, nor address them!!  YET- I am NOT, of the norm. Easter Cross  She cannot help, be in awareness, of what I AM about. It , simply boggles me, { to a certain aspect } - I, am a persistant one, whom hasn't let go, and will not!

          Fuckin' ,"YEAH!," she did all the work! I GIT that, and I am GRATEFUL Love Drops  however , JUST, cuz, she can NEVER be his biological mother, what the fuck does that have to do with his wishes/ feelings / longings?????????????????/

                  Quite simply,  {inmy opinion  } one does NOT take on , another, if one requires more than, just helping the one survive, best one can. YEAH- she fell in LOVE! I, don't blame her. I did, just too late. BUT- why rob another entity, of MORE LOVE??????????? Shit-

           Allow me to be more specific. I was bought and sold. My REAL DADDY, was mine. Marilyn , couldn't carry a child she SO wished for, so-  -   -Charles impregnated another woman, and bought me when I was cooked. 

            ALL I WANTED, was to know her, and to know why, I was THAT insignificant??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!   All I got, was bunch of lies, and , my cousin, loved me more than everyone else. SOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo, what the fuck was the point.

          I , wonderfully, was sent all over the world, and , so, who the fuck cared?!     so, here I am, PRAYING, I could get closer to my beloved son, and this GOD centered woman, blocks me , every time?!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just don't get it.

                                          I apologise for being so forward.. I've been attempting to shorten my verbal qualities. BUT- me heart has struck a cord, that I , canNOT seem to evade. Peace Out...

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