It's been a while, since I logged in. But, that's o.k., because, I kept it REAL, and , now, I actually have SOMETHING relative to say. "Summer," has been a pip! My children and I, have been BLESSED with CAMP, every day, complete with field tripps, ETC.! I, have been able to provide a structured and complete Summer, they can reflect upon and be proud of! The LORD, has blessed us , with this ability to grow, experience and blossom , into righteous women, whom , not only found themselves, but, also, found others, whom had their own life given speed bumps!
THIS- is , also , the Summer, when ELTON, found me:). He, hasn't contacted me , in OVER three weeks, BUT- I Know he cares, and with him being JUST outta prison, he has more mileage to be concerned with, that, I believe I understand, he , simply, hasn't the time to dedicate, to a family, whom wishes to envelope him ENTIRELY!
This, is also, the Summer, that claimed the life of my step mother, whom cared more, to END her misery, most of the LIFE I knew her in, and, FINALLY, SHE GAINED HER WISH.She adored her parents!!!!!!!!! And, she , also, ADORED , my Uncle David! David was the gay personality, male, of my , so called family, and he was THE , Most gentle and charismatic soul , I have had the honor to meet.He, was one of me favorites! Yet, GOD claimed his BEAUTIFUL soul, and brought him home. Ya know, there IS a THANG, that pisses me off, and it hurts. Since, I have lost Marilyn, AND,as my biological Daddy , resides in The Home, and JUST WAITS!, "ALL," that was left for no one, , INCLUDING, a painted portrait of my Uncle David, is lost to the dumpster??!:(- - - -WHY? - - -!
All , is NOT lost! I was BLESSED, with a photo of him, that would leave MOST people with a pulse, speachless! He was a prominently handsome man, with more aura, than MOST, could merely dream of! Besides THAT treasure, I was given a sleuw, of photos, including me:0, and , my Dad ,has pics of Marilyn, whence I never could have pictured! THIS- assisted my ability , to , somehow, fathom, the reason for my fathers addiction to her! She was ,THE most succulent beauty, one could lay eyes upon! Her skin, was as of a porceline doll, with cascading , red hair, tossed down her back. Yeah- I know, I've slayed the shit outta her! But, she had it goin' on, and , THEN, came down with some odd disease, which ripped up her skin with red sores that would bleed, and when she sought help from a dude/Dermatologist,Dr. Goldstone, the bastered burned scarrs in her face, and her dream was ended! After that, she hurdled down the destitute spiral, and Charles, my Dad, felt stupid, for not being able to aide her. He. then, PAYED , all he could, YET, could never replace what she held so dear.
She became impregnated, thrice, yet, was left with miscarriages. SO- he bought me. I, was the one, whom she wished to mold in the array, that -SHE, could never display. They forgot about something.........my SOUL/ stamina, to be me own person! All , that followed, just got MORE f-ed up, and, we became THE , or one of,the most DISfunctional families, that ever existed. It, only got worse.
BUT- she , despite her odd , and VERY MISunderstood self , besides those whom despised her, me included, I happen to believe, she IS, at LAST, rejoined with her blessed parents , AND-David! And I'm not madd , anymore! I, simply, couldn't understand. SHE TRIED! .......so did i, I hope she can see that, now. With ALL honesty, I was a vivacious BITCH, to her! I, loathed her, with a passion! And, I plagued her with a berrage of ammo, you wouldn't even think I could aquire, let alone, conjure! There , is NO excuse, of what I pasted that woman with! During the Winter months, we would reside in Pompano Beach, Fla.,912 Pine Dr., with her Parents, and THERE, was where we spent Christmas. I, was made to develope NEW friends, in a raw school, and , as I hooked up with these new people, I was invited to a PG - movie, and I was shot down, to the point of embarrassment. Now, since Marilyn was scarred so badly, she spent HOURS, painting a facial applicae' , like her skin was almost normal, and her make - up/mirror, was her sanctuary! So- since she derailed my desire, I took her lipstick/her flavorite one, and drew - -"PIG "- - -on her mirror! "That will teach her," i thought. It destroyed her, for, I went directly for her juggular, and I hit it , ten fold. I , was 11 yrs old???! Need I say more, of why I became what I did?!
During these episodes, I felt, justified and right...........I feel like a piss-ant, today!However- I, REALLY , didn't understand, and if you knew all the ramifications, that where involved, you'd , probably have slapped her.
The , WAY cool thing that has come from my existance, is that- I'm not so tunnel visioned , as I once was, and it has Blessed me with the ability to percieve myself, in a more prominent light, and , it wasn't ALL my fault, that I couldn't fix her. For real, fer real, I gave it my best shot, for quite some time, but, I have my own pulse!
Ya know- all is NOT lost! What I encountered, left me at an outstanding chance, as to NOT do to my Cherubs, what I had to endure. I THOUGHT, I was going in a direction, rebelliously opposite, from Marilyn! However- I have , so far, raised my girls, in a fashion, which is complimented and praised. I am a stickler, for proper form! My children, have wittnessed me , saving a dead squirrel, and placing it in a proper burial place, and saving tiny birds , whom have fallen from their nest. As a matter of fact......other children, in our neighborhood, come to call upon me, to do the same!I, of course, wash me hands, after the fact, BUT- I am known , as the helper.
I wish to Thank you, for allowing me to vent! I , haven't the time or the funds, to contract a professional person, whom, to me, could give a fig-neuton, of what /nor whom I am/think or feel! YET- this escape, gives me the delight, as if I were driving a stick shift car! Ya can't go ANY where, if ya don't shift , properly! With cascading accross the keyboard, with few mistakes, for me, is like shifting! I cry, a lot, as I release my thoughts,and, IF , anyone cares, but, it's not really, for you. If, it helps/entertains you - - - -YIPPIE! But-, it assists me, as well.
I am trying to share this with my friend, too! I simply cannot understand , how to make it public, rather than private??! If anyone could guide me in this, I'd be grateful. Thanks fer listening.And, if you find, that you have the resound need to explode on one, whom you can't in the least, understand....PLEASE, take a moment to regroup, and cast it from your fault! None of us , know it all. It takes QUITE a bit of patience and understanding, but you'll feel MUCH better, after the fact, ceases to exist, and Ya can't do a whole lot about it. JUST a thought:)- We , ALL, have our own stuff, that we can't seem to speak of. I'm , just a bit saddened, that I wasn't taught to realize it, before I learned it, "all by myself."