Thanksgiving Eve !

              There is NO , absolute delight! AND, if there IS, I , haven't found it. Naw, THAT is a fib!!  THIS ,Thanksgiving Eve, my Youngest Daughter, took preside, in assisting to aide the preparations of Da Turkey, / stuffing / ETC.!   SHE, was ELATED! Wanna KNOW something? 'IF,' "I," was to be able to have rank on THAT preparation, YEARS AGO... I'd have ROCKED, Better than I DID!!!!!!!!!

           As , Ashley Slept...Mugsie went NUTS, amid the kitchen! When SHE wakes, tomorrow...she WILL, Feel the pronounced adoraration, she wished to seek!

                   Do NOT allow me to fool with you! I, STINK, at culinaries in the kitchen! However- me , and The Mugs- we COOKED!

                 There's a funky twist to THIS.  Her Daddy, WAS- going to attend The Thanksgiving ,Festivities, tomorrow??!!! Still- he is a BONE Head, and he is , simply NOT welcome.  Besides, he's PEEVED at me, that I obtained FOOD, in which to serve??!!! YEAH- he's REALLY right!

               I, am SUCH a profound JERK ! LAST time , he Graced us with his presence, it took me THREE hours, in which to harness my Childrens emotions!

           "Thanksgiving," in MY pinion, is a Sound Gala, in which to absorbe solace! A Chance, in which to be HAPPY! N-O-T, to besurged with annoynce! IT- IS, an Opportunity, to WREAK Haavock on GRATITUDE! He, can kiss my ass!

               I, watched OurBaby, G-L-O-W...as she aided the preparation of The Feast! I, { as well did she } IGNIGHT, due to the preparation of a Sound Reason to nibble!

                 Alan, UNfortunately, is a RESOUND misfit! I KEPT, trying to coax him INTO a Family??!!! He, has NO DESIRE, in which to do so. HERE  WE GO..in the HONESTY DEPT.! After I said, "I DO.'- his MAIN desire, was to have TWO  Women! I, provided him with his desire, ONLY to Detest him, LESS- than I detested MYSELF!

            YES! I, am Quite alone, as for to a companion. HOWEVER- at THIS point, I'l be darned, IF- I shall EVER subject myself to such DISRESPECT, E-V-E-R again!

     With  ALL, DUE respect...I, am adoreable and I HAVE a Heart of Sterling Silver!! SOOOoooooooo, THIS Thanksgiving, I SHALL have a BLAST! A-N-D, drugs Need NOT be a part of it, NOR, will some prominant cocked Jack ass!

                                                    PEACE OUT...    Ash and Mugs say , "Git -R- Done:)"

I'm falling, down on my knees.

  Ya know something? I've gone through some SERIOUS shit. I've done some REALLY stupid stuff! Most likely, I'll do sum more;)- It seems to be like a fevor , with me. HOWEVER- I believe I gained sone INsight, today. I , THINK , I told you that my sons' Daddy, was out, AND went BACK, into prison??!!! Out of all peoples, he wrote to me, and I wrote back. Yet, I wrote someTHING different, this time! It came from DEEP, within. Lemme SHARE it with you, { word for word }...

                " THIS, is Ridiculous-

                                  It's a few days before 'Thanksgiving," and I'm writing to a dude, whom USED me , and fucked up, AGAIN, yet , another Holiday season,4 himself. WHY, d I continue to care?? JUST, because, 'I'm the one,' whom pushed you into the heroin dilemna, and I feel like it's MY fault?!!    NOPE!   It's 'cause I see things in you, that you've OBVIOUSLY MISSED!

                No matter, how, stone cold, you THINK you are, There is no , fucking way , dining on THAT putz shit, on "Thanksgiving, " can be worth a shot in the arm!

           E. J., O.K., so things got messed up!! B-U-T, if 'I' coud get past it, and- { I'M THE ONE WHO MESSED IT UP! }YOU can CATAPULT BEYOND IT ! You have earned Degrees, a NEW language, for fucking WHAT? Simply, to occupt your time?? WHAT a waste!

                 I watched you scope out my house, whilst you were here.IT, is comfortable and FILLED with pure, SAFE, love!However, THAT, was NOT enough for you. It , would appear, that being cool and HIGH, had it's FANGS into you, NOW-3 times over.SOOOOOOoooooo, The Ball is IN Your court now. If you choose to bounce it my way, I will answer. BUT- I will NOT, be a blowjob door-matt, EVER, again! I continue to realise how VERY, manythings, I've YET to learn, still stand TRUE.I've made, TOO, Many MAJOR fuck - ups!!  TODAY, I wish to nurture and flourish. I wish to GAIN, R-O-O-T-S- that WILL hold TRUE-and a Trunk thats stands Stead-Fast, amid LIFES' storms.

               When I was housed in 'Muncy, State Penetentary,' I witnessed DOZENS of people, coming back  through the razor - wire gates!, sayin' , " HEY BAY, DID YA MISS ME?" 'NOT, THAT much, I thought to myself.'   YOU- have Obviously claimed it to be acceptable, to be STUCK in the revolving , Prison Door.

 

                     Happy Holidays / LIFE, Elton-

                                      Your Friend, 'Pea Head' x0x0

I am not norml!

          Shine on, you Crazy Diamond! Allow me to disclose some frightening information, about myself.

       As I have told you, earlier, on Dec. 1st, 1990, I drove drunk and , CRASHED!  I paralized my 6 mo. old Son, and KILLED my ULTIMATE boyfriend.

           My Sons' Daddy, Elton, has chosen to delve into heroin. He CONTINUES, to plop IN and OUT of prison, and , EACH departure , from the facility, he seeks me out.

            Each, and every time, I seem to welcome him. A-L-L, THREE ventures, I have provided him with finances, in which to assist his reaffirmation, into civilianness??!!! 'I,' am an assholian! Peoples, I realise, that JESUS has forgiven me. However, either I am a desperate twerp, or I am beseeching a way, in order to repay him, for what I MAY feel, is the reason he delved??!!!

           I Pray, you allow me to share a letter I composed, after he wrote to me, upon his settle , of the third landing in a facility. "I," seem to be the ONLY one , he feels compelled to contact.  Upon recieving his letter, it took me, OVER a week, in order to find the capasity, in which to respond. 'THIS, ' perhaps, is a GOOD sign:)  Afore, I'd have JUMPED onto the FIRST sheet of paper, I could lay my hands on! N-O-T this time!

        HERE!, is my response...

             Well, Hello Elton John-

                  Happy Thansgiving.                                  E.J., I'm not sure what you'd like me to say to you.SO- I shall say , that I THOUGHT, I was going to be able to wear that outfit, as you HELPED me to trim the TREE, this year. I pondered you, being awarded a furlough, to be able to spend such a Glorious Holiday, with a Family whom cared 4 you.

          SILLY me {googlie eyes }

                You Hollered at me, that "HOW DARE ISTICK MY NOSE INTO YOUR BUISNESS. YOU ARE A GROWN ,MAN, AND, eTC.!" ? QUESTION, Elton- WHY, does a grown , strong MAN, continueto rejoin, with institutionalized peoples way of life, instead of living free with people, whom just wished to love you and Build wonderful memories that canNOT be bought or sold?!!

             E.J., I'm not ant better than you. I've , simply had ENOUGH of the pain and solitude, living where I HAVE to be told when I am ALLOWED to breathe my own air! When you First began to write to me, you spoke of the classes you were taking, and PASSED! You spoke of the diplomas you obtained, in which to secure you a WELL paying possition. YET- you come out for a few months, ONLY to hook up connects with , idoitic people, whom only fuel your demise??!!! ELTON, WHY did you Take and Pass the classes, if you simply plan on being housed and kept in such an environment?

                  I gave you, monies, that were for our bills!You broke your VOW, to repay us, and our Water got shut off. I TRUSTED you, and prayed I could help.ALL I did, was to aide a user in which to burry himself, DEEPER, as I allowed myself and my Children, to suffer. GUESS WHAT, I  musta looked , pretty desperate, HUH! I think, I was TOO CAUGHT UP, in giving back, what I stole from you- Dec, 1st, 1990 !! {tears}

                   IF, you wish to write to me further, feel free to and I WILL answer. PERSONALLY, I don't think you have the cahonies. The Freakie thing IS, I still have LOVE for you. However, I'll N-O-T bounce down the alley way, as I go to pick up my Children, like some LOVE-STRUCK 'TEENIE-BOPPER,fooled  into THINKING, I Finally have the hopes of my VERY OWN man,gonna be THERE to hold me when I am frightened, who's going toto the solace of life with a Family, Only to have my desires , SQUASHED like an unwanted bug- ANY longer!

 

           " Can't we find the minds that Made us , stronger?"         PeaHead-

Elton named me , 'Peahead,' long ago!

              NOW , if this letter is more than neccessary, sue me! THIS, is , NOT ONLY, what I required to say to him, BUT- what I required to realise , MYSELF!

                                              PEOPLES- I spent WAY 2 MANY Years, destroying myself!!     At THIS point of my life, I can't, { forthelifeofme } figure out , WHY?!!  I shielded my observation, to the point of BLINDNESS! I, disfigured myself, and ANYone, whom cared a FIG ABOUT ME!  It's , most likely, that, I am AGING, and I have these Fantastic , little Women, that I didn't , completely maime. 'THIS, ' is why I typed, such a volutile chapter, afore! I , actually WATCH and ABSORBE, the goings on, with these ridiculous peeps, with more $$, than they know what to do with, 'cept ruine themselves and others!

                  SHEET! I'm fortunate to be poor!  I find, I CARE , MORE, about MORE! NOT, that I want more, BUT- that I cherish MORE! OH! PLEASE, don't git me wrong. I, wouldn't MIND a bit MORE!!!!!!!!  It bugs me Greatly, tha I can't provide better for my Babies! However, when MY Parental Units, were flowin' in the dough, 'THEY SENT ME AWAY?' HEY- they could afford it??!!!     SEE- too much fundage, replaces what IS , actually NEEDED!

"CHRISTmas"

It's all good?!! BULL FUCKIN' SHIT!  We are in the throws of the  coming of , "Thanks Giving!"

         As I watched the NEWS, I learned, that there is Scarcely, enough to go around to the NEEDY! It makes me sick!

     Another NEWS subject, WAS- even Those with GOOD CREDIT, will NOT be able to afford what they used to, as gifts to their , whomevers!

           Peoples, when it gets , so BAD- that we HAVE to Watch reports from the NEWS Stations, that , there is a RASH of "LESS PEOPLE," whom  Can share for the People , whom don't have Plastic, ETC., ""THIS,"" Should be a friggin' CLUE, that something's gone a fowl inside the tomatoe!

           "YES!" I am pitchin' a BITCH! These fucking 'Rock Stars,' have 14 Million Dollar homes! The fucking STARS of the SCREEN, have more than they require! Does NOTHING smell funky to you??????????? 

          JUST because I watch you tonsile suck someone you don't love , on a Screen, conveys me to pay, WHAT-, 13.00$ for a fucking ticket, so that you can sell your Daughter / Son, to ride around in Cadidliacs, and drive into a fucking PARKED car, because they were TOO busy snorting cocaine? THIS!- IS, Ludacris! I don't give a fig, if their nipples were hard, or NOT! W-H-E-R-E, is the teachings of the Indians????????   Ya don't , fucking TAKE- UNless you GIVE BACK!

          The thing that REALLY flipps me OUT, IS- the parental Units, are 'Jammin' WITH these poor souls! ""HEY Babe, let's get waisted, we can PAY someone to git us OUT of IT!??""

           There ARE Parishioners, around my area, that are BEGGING for FOOD to supply THOSE, whom don't ACT / THINK this way! They, simply TRYING to set a buffet, in order to FEED their Families, 'cuz they TOO fat to go ON SCREEN! BULLSHIT!

             Ya KNOW, it DOESN'T surprise me! Ya got those STARS- going BELEMIC, because it's in bad forum, to weigh more than 14 lbs.! The biotches, have NO BOOBIES! 'Taint got no ASS , either! AND- the Scariest Part, IS- they's havin' BABIES! I'm SO secure, in the PEACE, that the CHILDREN, are well kempt, within their wombs! ALL that nutrition, will harbor them from the drugs and alcohol!

                        N-O-W, HERE, is The Best! MANY women, in The spotlight do NOT Feel, it is ANY of our buisness, to encounter the FACT that they are With CHILD! W-H-Y?...BECAUSE, it might spoil their , RAKING in $$$$$$, from their performances??!!!! GOD FORBID! I'd wish to SLAP 'em!  They SAY...it's none of OUR buisness. KISS MY ASS, you SLUT! At "THAT point "" , it has NOTHING to do with your fucking performance! ""HOWS ABOUT THE PERFORMANCE OF "THE CHILD?" Assholian!      W-H-A-T, Ya gonna loose Yer 'Ferrerri?'

 

                       IF- I am coming accross 2 strong, sue me! THERE are NO priorities LEFT! IF, { and I have } I got popped for anything, I'd get slammed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  These fuckers, get AWAY with MURDER! If the SYSTEM don't git 'em, one of their OWN, ceases their will to carry ON! SEE what I'm sayin'?

 

             Allow me, to give us an example. The 'Macys' commercial! A-L-L these STAR RIDERS, have conglomerated, to suck out our $$! The commercial, shows, that their TOKEN FLOOZIE-'Jessica Simpson,' whom. last year, urged PEDIPHILES, to take to "PIZZA HUTT." TODAY, she's The idiot whom pulls the plug from their Magnificent Display! ""MY BAD,"" she states for the Nation to see???!!!!!  Yeah!- I will urge MY DAUGHTER to have such short , shorts and short brains- - - -  -and git PAID 4 IT! FUCK your stupid boobies! I wouldn't nibble her, if she was The Last morsel on EARTH!

             I appreciate to state THIS in "MY" Book.  I'm not bothering ANYone, whom doesn't wish to flush a SOUND turd! Told Yas' , best BATHROOM Reader, Ya ever saw!

I am devistated!

   I have done a terrible thing!  I have allowed "2" Xtra cats to reside with us. THIS, has put a hurtin' on my house, my finances and my emotional wellness!

       At 2:14 A,M,, this morning, I was awakened by the crashing of objects in my house.  As I got up to TRY to fix this, THE only thing I could come up with, since it's warmish outside, was to put the culprit OUT! IT WAS DRY, THEN!!!!!!!!!

         In order to calm down, I jumped on to the computer, and, as I made my way to bed, realized, it had begun to POUR!

         I flew to the door, and called to the newest , feline member, thinking I had made my point to him. He did NOT come wheb I called out , into the wee night! This CHILD is cold and wet, somewhere, due to my impatience:( I feel evil and terrible! I WOULD have grabbed the smaller of the two, for, 'Frankie,' is  the cat from H, E, double toothpicks! However, the bugger escaped me too often:(.SOOOOOOooooooo, I grabbed the one I could, to ensure some peace.

            I* , am Devistated, and appauled at myself! I ask PRAYERS, for 'Rascle.' , and my family, for the Girls are gonna LOSE IT, whence they arise!

THIS!

YES! I am writing in RED! I cannot STAND r-e-d! It causes me to think of the deevil!

             I, AM agrivated.        I have THE, Most coolest , little people, and, I haven't finaces to help their DREAMS 2 come TRUE! YEP,- it pisses me OFF!!!!!!@!!

         OUR Babies, RELY, upon me!  AND, I CAN provide , this, that and the other thing, BUT- I am having trouble, footing the X-TRAS!

           I called their Dad!  { I didn't wish to! } ALLOW me to convey, to you, he was MOST INappropriate!

          THIS FACT, encourages ME, to step UP to the Plate, BETTER than I EVER have!

Alan told me, "Either DIE, or send 'Em 2 me!" OH, WELL, THAT is Just Lovely!"

                                                  I have some difficulties.  I broke my back, in the 80's.  TWO, years Later, i severd my FEMORE! SO, now- I am REplaced with METAL. I, CREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As well as ACHE!   THIS process, happened a fore their BIRTHS! STRANGE THING, "IS," 'THAT,' is WHY , he asked me to Marry him! he felt, I'd git a SOUND sum of $$, for MY, noteable infirmaties. THIS WAY, he would have to , practically NOTHING, but git his TUSH, Covered??!!!  'THIS,' WAS- what SEEMED a DElectable nest spot, for him to reside in!

 

                                             Alan, is NOW, finding , that, he HAS to reside on his OWN haunches, afore he claims some one elses!

                           Pardon me, BUT- IF, I can still WALK- I am UNable to contract fundage, for Diddly!

A Healthy Dose of Realization!

  Have you ever noticed, something to observe, that you forgot, even to look for?  Well, I have, more than twice! Sometimes, I feel foolish, that  {ME OF ALL PEOPLE } how could I have missed it?  But, I am learning, that these are my growing pangs and reasons to be proid of myself, for finally seeing it:)

                A phase of transformation, has come about, for me. To be Painfully honest with you, I USED to find the delight of sex, a luxury that I didn't wish to go without! In my opinion, I feel, it wasn't just the act of intimacy, BUT- the pleasure of being enveloped by another, whom didn't wish to be without me. That WONDERFUL connection between TWO, that was not only pleasurable, but, void filling!!

           Today, for me, it ain't nuthin' but a thang :)-   I have graduated to finding , even DEEPER joy, in footing the bill of being NEEDED / DESIRED and APPRECIATED by my Children! { who knew? } LOL-             SURE, I don't have a physical organism, BUT- Even Better, I have a soul felt ONE!  I have been Blessed, to witness, Growth and maturity betwixed them, and know for a sound fact, that, "I HELPED!"  THIS, 2 me, has Much More panache', that a roll in the hay, could EVER produce:).

                Since Thanksgiving, is nearing, and , of Course, CHRISTMAS...perhaps I , too, am progressing , in which to view life, in a more precious fashion??!!!

        Allow me to give you an example. Ashley, my nearest older one, for QUITE some time, was addicted to what others , { so she thought } THOUGHT of her. BUT- she took note, in a backwards kind of way. The begining of THIS year, she has begun her Jr High School, scenario ' placement. Peoples, lemme tell you, I was Freaked, for I seriously didn't think she was going to be able to swing it, due to the monumental REadjustment, that would HAVE to take place. Thankfully, I was WRONG:). I am still in happy shock, that she shed one skin, for another, with great ease and properness!

                 Megan, is still wrestleing a bit, with the scene of GRADE attendance, and less of a NEED to be more grown, HOWEVER, she is, also, blossoming, quite well:). Her report card, shown her FIRST 'A!' She, was ellated!! As well, as, it wasn't in Art or GYM:)- It, was in SPELLING!  I danced a JIG!! and so did she:)

                 We have adopted ANOTHER  cat!  His name is 'Rascle.' A friends Mom, threw she, her THREE Children, and Rascle, OUT! She found a place, BUT- they did't accept anmimals:(:(. Therefore, she was going to have to relinquish this beautiful beast, to the S.P.C.A., which , since he's a more grown beastie, would , most likely, be put to sleep, 4 rarely, do people wish to adopt larger kitties. { they dig the babies, MORE! } HOW, COULD I SAY NO??   HE IS A DELIGHTFUL BABY, AND HE HAS ALL HIS SHOTS / NEUTERING, etc.! His eyes and disposition, are BOTH snuggly and magical. Today, will be his second, FULL day, with us. As each day passes, he becomes , more comfotable and elloquent, with his comfort zone, and US! The adoption of him, as well as my life, is introducing me to a NEW realm of patience and glory! For SO, long, I was convinced, there was NO hope for me. I , WAS, going to be stagnated in the mess I taught myself to be??!!! However, I AM , taking reputable turns of my existance, and, KNOWING, fool well, there is hope for me , STILL!

              It ignights my molecular being, that my Dearest Gail / Cousin / MOM, reads what I write in my book. THIS, provides her with an inside observation tower, as to what and Whom I am! Another gift, my book provides, is that IF- anyone wishes to TRY to mess with me, there is NO way, that I can make this stuff up, at the drop of a hat, and it is Continual. It IS,Proof POSSITIVE, a Journal of TRUTH, that NONE can remove! As I write from and WITH my soul, ...NO costumes may be applied!  As I BARE me, to our pages, I succumb to fits of tears, giggles, aches & pains, and absolution. I USED to be , 'A Candle In The Wind!'  Today, I AM a sound, human being, NOT PURFECT, BUT- I stand for SOMETHING, and I don't fall for EVERYTHING!

          When I did drugs and such, I Blocked the ability to Actually FEEL:(.  IF, I cannot feel, I cannot GROW! Peace be Unto...