Monday, Monday...

I'd appreciate, getting back, a bit, and I BEG your pardon, that I unleashed a verbal ejaculation on you. BUT- you canNOT tell me, that once in a while, one , has just GOT to get it out! Frustration , is a brat! I was having one of those times, where I challanged the fact, that, "God, doesn't give us  more than we can handle!" I , beg to differ[ crossed eyes.] Granted, I am still alive and kicking, but, darn, getting through it, sometimes depleates a person more than words!!!!!!!!!!!

        Let us turn the page, to my marriage. As I shared with you, Alan got worse and worse, with lies, binge drinking,lies,lies...       Each of our childrens births, were a horrid saga of shame! At, Ashleys' birth, I  had to chase him down, which he then, was so G-O-N-E, he decided to light up cigarrets in the contraction room! Now, we allegedly thought Ash was going to be a boy! THAT, is what the technician had said from the Ultra-Sound?! As a lot of his massive BUZZ ,wore off, as I Screamed- he decided that he's going for a bite to eat in the hospital cafeteria.I give you eight minutes, and she decided to come into my life! The staff frantically located him, as I did everything, scared and angry, by myself. As he reappeared to the floor, the desk nurse, announced how sorry she was! HE RAN, into the birthing room, blood EVERYWHERE, and I looked toward him, saying-"Honey, I'm so Sorry."Needless to say, with all the blood , and no babe in SIGHT, he thought the child had passed on.The kind doctor, put his two cents in, seeing Alans horror, by announcing, "You have a beautiful, baby Girl."Without skipping a beat, Alan says, "Why would you scare the shit outta me , like that ,bitch?" Weakened, I simply said, "It's not the boy you wanted:(" And, since Ashley was fine, and I wasn't alone , anymore, all was momentarily dismissed. However, I'll NEVER forget what he did:(. Life was a lot, much better, for a while, and when it wasn't, I bit my tongue and focused on "Peach Pit," Ashleys nick name:).Then, the beatings began.NO, not on Ash, on MOI"! From verbal abuse, which, I don't mind saying, is ALMOST worse than a good slap, and then came the extension cord saga??! BUT- I belive the worst , was, when IN FRONT of Peach, he , full fisted, put my head through the wall, blackened BOTH my eyes, and AFTER I attempted to kick his drunken body down the stairs of our home, which we lost-,he found a comfortable corner , and passed out!I HAVE to give credit, when it is due! No matter HOW hammered he gets, he never misses WORK! Which, of course, is his ACE in the hole, for I could not work, and so, "I provide for my family,you ALL, Need me!""Truth hurts, at times."Yes peopleHe is a master control freak:) However, so am I! Talk about locking horns?!As I think back to all of my existance, NOBODY told ME, what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yet, here was this letcher, dictating to me?!FUCK THAT! I , had had ENOUGH! The evening came, where he had come home, Again- blasted, although, THIS time, he made a play for my daughter[GRRRRRR...] so, I took me Babe into bed, with ME , and gave him space and the remote control , control, and said a prayer , or 12:). In finding, that he wouldn't take a profoundly , evident hint, he came in, began his pursuit, so, "at the time we had a cordless,] I , "Babe Ruth style," clocked the mother right over his eye:):). Would you believe, he called the police , on ME? Granted, I am sober as a rock, but the foolish 5-0, threatened to take ME to jail for assault, AND to place my beloved daughter, in Foster care? Have I missed something , here? Must be a guy thang:(. The police person, removed him, and that began a LONG string of P.F.A.s! Bottom Line, all, is MOST of out marriage, has been spent , Appart! After he crashed our Brand, New car, into a wall, exploding the air bags, ETC., he found new residence in Lackawanna County jail! His, "?beloved?" family , was left on their own.When, he came out, he , was , also, facing the loss of his Mother, Rose Anne Shooke.I'm a bleeding heart. Sheesh, I cry at "Hallmark," comercials, for I can RELATE! YES- peoples, I let another chance, take it's place of the rage and disgust. THEN----Megan Tyler, was concieved. Ashley, was scooting about, on her OWN legs, at the ripe 'old age of three and 1/2, pushin' Four. THEN, one night as the Babe lay , asleep, Alan arrived home, late and drunk. I'd had enough, AGAIN. So, as I was trained to, took the keys to MY car, from the wall, and gently told him, "I hope you feel better, I'm going for a ride!" I , was STILL, sober and 34 months pregnant. He , was NOT in the mood to allow this wish of mine, to be fullfilled!  "THAT," was my solace! I drove around, carefully, with the music , SO LOUD, I could detect the notes, reverberating from my cillia hairs:):):). He, decided to wrestle me to the floor , in a choke hold, and obtained the keys! "Skrew U , jackass, I'm taking the baby to bed , and you may exit to H-E- doulble toothpicks!"I'm pretty sure, he just couldn't handle the stairs, and we slept, somewhat peacibly. The next morn., Before I got to get out of bed, my water broke!OHMIGOODNESS, I forgot to tell you a choice reality, of this part of our life! Being a HIGH risk pregnancy, and a softy, I had met this girl, whom had , ALSO , sustained some bruisage from the dude she was spending time with, and Alan and I , allowed her respite and a place to stay, so as we could help her, and she, me!Ashley, was QUITE energetic.Now,since my contractions , had NOT began, I continued around , making coffie and getting the bags together. YES, friends, I called the doctor and some kind friends, TOO!Here we go, Alan, burdts through the door, screaming, "What is wrong with you, you stupidc_ _ t, you have to get to the hospital!""Alan, my contractions , haven't began, and you, are my ride." We got to the hospital, in PLENTY of time!Still, NO contractions! Therefore, my doctor, [am i allowed to name him?] for he was a divine doctor, so YES- I , shall name him! "Dr. Erroll Goldstein," attended us, [ Megan and I] for, AGAIN, untill Alan showed, he primed himself:(.Megan wasn't EVEN thinking of arrival, heck, she was EARLY?! I was put on an I.V. , of saline, in whih to enduce labor, for, without the embiotic fluids , around her, she was HIGHLY , susceptable to infection, and Dr. G, felt all would be well. It, took a good , long while, afore the party began:)., and Alan plagued me , with having to watch, "Jerry Springer!" can you see his mind space?" As the intense!!!, which Dr. Erroll  informed me, this type of delivery, IS, the MOST excrusiating, BEGAN! At least, Alan was there, for I grabbed that son of a buscuit, by the back of his HAIR, and begged ANYONE, to kill me/let me die, you'll be enough for the children!I lived! BUT, Megan Tyler, came upon us , at 2lbs.3oz! She was rushed to an incubator, and FOUGHT for her next breath!My, beloved Gail, can tell you, I don't listen well!Matter of fact, there are a few kindred friends/family, that will seal that knowledge of INESCAPEABLE fact! So, one can planely realise, "THINK, I didn't travel the back halls to tend to her?!At the last of my runs, Ms, Megan, was NOT responding:(:(:(. So, as I cried, I called , Alan, to come and help. WHAT'S HER NAME, answered the phone! "UH, he's in our bed, and I'm NOT going to disturb him! he's had a heck of a night!"   ----FUCKIN' WHAT?????????------------that, WAS AND is, THE LAST STRAW! I began to dress, A.M.A., and WAS, going to walk home, but a blessed aquaintance was THERE, and chariotted me , seven blocks, H-O-M-E! AFTER, I took her by the hair and face, and led her to , outside, I packed her belongings, ['cept for her plates, she owed me!] and placed them tenderly , upon the porch, for her, to be able to access!I, have NEVER seen/heard from her again!I'm a hippie! I make things grow, not, impale them!I, impaled her!and she was a lot stronger/bigger, ---A MOTHER SCORNED!Without , further spaceage, "Megan, is o.k.!" BUT- not , without , seven brain surgeries, in which to place, what is called , a "Shunt." She is Hydrosephalic.That, is where the person, canNOT expunge[hi Mom], ones fluids, from her brain. SUM, call it, "WaterHead???????" Gag me! "IF," I get , TOO down in the dregs of my mind, I look at her! What an inescapeable reminder, that, I CAN, do anything, when LOVE, is involved! Alan, at this day, resides above some bar, in "West Side!" He wishes to come home. "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!"cOME TO FIND OUT, he's said, to be doing Crack and Heroine? I, am NOT!