THIS WAS JUST A BAD DREAM! IN VIRTUAL COLOUR-

IT WAS IS LIVING COLOUR!

      I WAS PARTYING WITH MY DAUGHTERS AND TWO FRIENDS CHILDREN AND THEM. THE MAN, KNOWING HOW I MISSED HAVING A COMPANION IN MY LIFE, MADE IT KNOWN TO ME, THAT HE HAD ALWAYS DESIRED ME. I, WHILST NIBBLING PILLS AND BEER, { TO KILL THE ACHE INSIDE,} RESPONDED TO HIM, HOW I YEARNED FOR HIM , SO.

           NEXT FRAME, WAS THE WIFE, TAKING THEIR CHILDREN AND MINE, TO THE STORE. UPON THEIR DEPARTURE, HE AND I BEGAN TO DELVE INTO EACHOTHER. NEXT THING I KNEW, WE WERE IN AN ADANDONED CAR IN THEIR YARD. ACCROSS THE FRONT SEAT, WE BEGAN TO DEVOUR EACHOTHER, AND , WHILE MY ARMS WERE DANGLING OUT THE WINDOW BEHIND ME, HE PROCEEDED TO MOVE HIS MOUTH  DOWN THE LENGTH OF MY TORSO, BURRYING HIS MOUTH INTO MY LOVE BOX, AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I FORGOT SOMEONE COULD!WE BOTH MOANED IN PLEASURE, AS HE FINISHED AND CAME BACK, FACE TO FACE WITH ME, PENETRATING ME , DEEPLY, TO WHERE I SCREAMED OUT MY  ORCHESTRATIONAL ORGASM.

          I / WE, BEGAN TO DRESS, WHEN I NOTICED THE BLOOD, SCREAMING RED, AND FACTITIOUSLY KIDDED, "HONEY, I THINK YA BROKE ME." HE GUIDED ME TO THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM, AND TOLD ME THERE WAS PLENTY OF PROTECTION IN THE CLOSET.

            AS I WENT IN, AND CHECKED THE CLOSET, AND DESPITE THEIR POORNESS, SHE HAD 'EVERYTHING' , ALL NEAT AND TIDY, AS WOULD I HAVE HAD IN MY OWN CLOSET! EACH TIME, I TRIED TO REACH FOR WHAT I REQUIRED, I MESSED THINGS UP, FURTHER AND FURTHER. THE BLEEDING , WORSENED, AS I TOOK  MORE PILLS AND SLAMMED DOWN MORE BEER. BECAUSE MY SEARCH WAS NIL, THE BLOOD WAS ALL OVER MY FAVORITE PAIR OF 'LEVI' JEANS, SO I STOLE FROM HER LAUNDRY BASKET, HEARING MY CHILDREN AND THE REST , RETURN DOWN STAIRS, WITH MANY , MORE PEOPLE.   { UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, HE TOLD HER! } I , AFTER LOCATING A SLIM BIT OF PROTECTION, I DESCENDED THE STAIRS.

                   ALL, { INCLUDING OLD FRIENDS I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS AND SOME, WHOM ARE PRECIOUS TO ME, TODAY, }WERE BEGINING TO PARTY . EVERYONES' CHILDREN AND MINE, WERE HAVING A BLAST, AND THE ADULTS WERE DOING THE SAME.

           AS THE TIME PRESSED ON, I FELT THE MEAGER PROTECTION, FAIL. I CLIMBED, FOR THE LAST TIME, TO REPLACE IT, BUT , THIS TIME, IT WAS FIRE ENGINE RED AND OUT OF CONTROL! AS I ENTERED THE CLOSET, THERE WERE MORE OF A SELECTION, OF PRODUCTS, YET, EACH TIME I REACHED FOR ONE, I MESSED THE ARRAY UP MORE, AND COULDN'T GRASP IT.

            {{ OH- BY THE WAY-WHILE I WAS NAKED WITH HIM, MY BODY WAS THE SAME, TRIM, SEXY FORM IT WAS Y-E-A-R-S AGO! }}

           AS I DESCENDED FOR THE LAST TIME, I WAS GREETED BY A HOARD OF POLICE OFFICERS, AS WELL AS GLARES FROM MY SUPPOSID 'FRIENDS' AND MY DAUGHTERS! I WAS C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y, DISORIENTATED, AND HAD no DEFENSE! BLOOD, WAS ALL OVER ME, AS I WATCHED AND HEARD MY CHILDREN SCREAM IN DISAPPROVAL,. THE MAN, SIMPLY HUGGED HIS WIFE, AND TURNED AWAY. "YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" , I HOLLERED.HE WOULDN'T TURN AROUND. THEN, IS WHEN THE POLICEMEN, BEGAN TO CUFF AND QUESTION ME.

              "NO PROBLEM," I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. I CAN BLAME IT ON  LUNACY AND MENTAL ANGUISH.             GRANTED, AS I WAS CUFFED, MY LINE TO THE PILLS AND BEER, WERE CUT OFF. SO, MY MENTAL DEMISE PLAN, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. THE BLOODY MESS, WORSENED, AND THE BERRAGE OF FACES, BEGAN TO WALK BY MYSELF, OFFERING A CIG OR A HAND OR A GLANCE OF DISGUST, WHILST I REMAINED IN A DUG TRENCH, BELOW THE FLOORS LEVEL. AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, I COULD SEE OTHERS LOOKING DOWN AND SPITTING, SAYING, "HOW COULD YOU. CARLY?" I CALLED OUT TO HIM, AS THE OFFICERS DRAGGED ME AWAY, SAYING,"WHAT ABOUT US?" HE N-E-V-E-R LOOKED BACK!

 

                      My eyes, popped open, as I gasped for breath. I ran for my cigarretes, and , to my computer. AND, here I sit, realising, that this dream, came from GOD. It was / IS a HORRIBLE thought. It is a reminder, of what can and WILL happen, if I ever go back to my old ways. It shows me to be Thank FULL, of what The LORD has Blessed me with, today.

             During the dream, I had feelings of emancipation, proper direction for the Children, level character of self, { up untill the blood } basicaly, I felt I had it going ON! However, I am , STILL, a frail, human being, easily broken, if one gets TOO full of ones' self! In the dream, it was acceptable to harbor those feelings and actions, with another womans' man?!  BULLSHIT!  LOOK, just how wrong I can be...

             This morning, I shall face this day, humbled! My breathing, has normaled, mostly. I've spoken to GOD, and assured HIM, I got the point, BUT- actions speak LOUDER than words.           I pray, I don't have another dream of this sort!   " Now , I lay me, down to sleep. i , PRAY, The LORD, my soul to keep. IF, I should die, afore I wake. I PRAY, The LORD, my soul to TAKE..."

Something:)*

It's been TOO long, since I have made an entry in my precious book!

    Forgive me, but i got caught up in lifes' insurmountable circumstances. Being a single Mommie, and , which I fall short of finances, the begining of School was , {as I allowed} to be frightening. FACT of the matter, WAS- Alan stepped UP to the plate, and adored OUR Children. He was MOST helpfilled, in which to assist Our Babes to RE-enter into School!! YES!, beloved readers, he supplied the WAY, coolest neccessities. PLEASE- do NOT get me twisted. I, had made provisions, in which to usher in some, {many} of the needs. IF, I don't mind saying,...'I', was the hair doer! When I went to 'Beauty School,' I was interrupted by ONE, of my Daddys' heart attacks. YET, I, DID, extract a bit of knowledge, and brought it with me. I, MUST, applaude my Babes, for it took me EXTRA time, and they , BOTH, sat dilligently, during the session.

         Ashley, is attemping,{and WILL preside} her year "7", and with ALL, DUE Honesty, is N-O joke!!!!!!!! She , requires, "7" , different teachers, as well as , the responsibility, in which to carry ALL that is required, for EACH class! "IF,-" she falls short, she WILL be held accessible for her failure! 'THIS, - is N-O-T what Ashley is built to BE! Quite honestly, Ash , could give a POOP! She is MORE concerned with how she looks, AND, who's looking.      ! FEEL ME, this is something , which canNOT be ignored.

       Wonderfully obtained, she is ROCKING!    Due to her Daddys' funds, as well as- ME* being as whacked as I am, she's pulling it off, with a SOUND retrospect.

    YES!- i HAVE said it , afore. I , WAS a drug , INFECTED imbosile! Sincerely, a-n-d BEING a singlr Mommie, I, haven't the time , NOR the n-e-e-d, in which to follow those rails! This, parental shit, ain't NO,joke!!!!!!!!!!!! Let alone, the seriousness of the WORLD, today!  There is a song, which is playing, right now. "What WOULD you say?!" When I was shorter than I am NOW...I , was on the roead, with a band , called "The Back Doors!" It was January 27th, and I made a phone call, to my Parents house, on me Birthday. Daddy answered. He, was surprised to HEAR from me. I said, " DAD, it's my Birthday!" He, recoiled to Marilyn, it's Carolines' Birthday!" BOTH, disagreed! WELL- since I , was 'I', well, I DIS agreed. DADDY, was the ONLY one, whom, was tenderly , appologetic, that they had forgotten of the bitch they had lost.          It's cool.     NOT!  I, was BOUGHT!   Lest, forgotten. Thank GOODNESS, I don't mind, TODAY! 

    IF...it wouldn't be to strenuouse on EVERYONE, P-L-E-A-S-E, recall, the BIBLE , Stated words- "Do , unto OTHERS, as you would have done unto you." { it fucked me UP, W-A-Y, TOO long!} MY bad- I let it.

      " People, wanna RISE UP, and get their Share!" 'Tracy Chapman.'             Sisters and Brothers, I still...am robbing Peter, to pay Paul. NIFTY part of it IS, is, I am finding precious realities, that, when I was SO self centered, I, completely MISSED! I'm TRIPIN', though, for , I'm catching SIGHT of so, much MORE.

         Allow me to give you, an example. THE, Best Mother I could possibly find, 'Gail,' searched LONG and hard, for a companion, to reinstate her self worth. She located HER. ""THEY,"" B-U-I-L-T,"" a SOUND emporium of a stamina riddled emporium, FILLED, with ALL that MOST , continued to seek!  THEY found IT! At a distance, I observed them, orchestrate a 'Bed and Breakfast,'that housed ANY one, whom wished to "take a Break," at. "IT," was fruitful! Along the path of benefit, "Stormie," contracted, Cancer. Set aside the requirements of income, Gail, encompassed Stormie! It WASN'T about the fucking $$, she could absorbe!!!!!!!!  SHE- was THERE, for her companion! THE, same way, that she was THERE for her cousin , named , Caroline. After, my parents, lost control of ME, by sending ME, to oaid for Schools, after Schools, they pawned me off on her, by which, I had , ALREADY grown horns of resistance. For the one, whom had opened up her world, to usher me into, I raked her over the coals!     ""I, BEG of you, which you have made KNOWN, I need NOT, I , A-M sorry!  GAIL- I was VERY short, back then.

       Does ANYone, Wish to know , what I have learned? LETS' GIT-R-DONE! tHIS IS tHURSDAY. { jst messin' with Ya}

     My Girls and I, live in a VERY, small house, that used to be a garage. THE owner of the house, IS a contractor. He and his crew, REnewed it, into a substantial lair:). We have a substantial yard, / HOUSE. YIPPIEEEEEEE. Quite simply, the Babes have , their OWN room, equipped with BUNKBEDS.  THE time, has come, where they are becoming TOO BIG, to inhabit bunkbeds. It's a REALLY, SMALL room, so, I am goimg to begin to REconstruct their room, by DISconstructing the beds, and , TRYING, to arrange the area, in which they can ask Friends to visit, without having to step on the beds:)* PLEASE- Pray 4 me, this will BE, NO simple task! 

       Pardon me, but, as I complete the task, and get to watch their faces LIGHT up with Amazement, is ALL I need?!! They're gonna shit. OH!, I will N-O-T be able to walk for a few days. THEY, are what's important   nobody said I was playing with a FULL deck     

Everything

I'm actually annoyed, and displaced. My computer has been acting up for days and so has my life. I find myself getting pissed off and plagued by other peoples Children.

        I try to get the house in order, and then all these kids come in, and ruin  it. It's my own fault, cuz I said they could stay over! It is my FIRM beliefe, that I need some QUIET time to  myself!! My own kids are raucous ENOUGH!

        Alan pulled a wild one! The man went to work , yesterday for 4 O'Clock in the morning, and worked till 7:30 P.M>! He then decides to go and pick up new lunch boxes for the Girls and walk up here to Dunmore, AFTER work, at 9:30 P.M., to deliver them??!!!! He says he's dieing and he'll be worth 100 thousand , soon.50 for me, and 25 , each Child.LOVERLY!

         I don't deal well with disorganization! The house is a mess:( As soon as the nibblettes are gone, I intend to spot clean like the wind.

           Also- for the past week, I have had nightmares like no ones buisness! I'm up by 4ish in the A.M., and T-R-Y, to get on the pewter to ease my nerves. THIS- gives me more stress, 'cuz the pewter is going whacky.

         As you can plainly see, I'm being a brat. I watch these comercials and movies about two people so in love and support, and I'm sik and tired of NOT being one of them. If I had a bit of support, perhaps I wouldn't find the need to enduce these spells of misery?!!

          Since it's going to be cooler, today, I think I'll mow the grass in the yard. It seems to be a thing in Dunmore, where all the neighbors have a contest to see , WHOM, can keep their lawns the best. It hurts my back, terribly, when I do it, so , I don't seem to be on the top of the list. Big, friggin' DEAL! I find I do wonderfully for a person of ONE!

       I think I'll pick up, later, for the brood of kids are about to arrise.

One WIERD Dream

              I was a street urchin, type 19 year old{although I was 44!} I was dressed in Goth-like attire, with my hair parted on the side, as when I was younger, with the right side clipped back in a barret. My nails were just long enough to scratch the eyes out of a cat, painted black.My stockings were ripped periodically, and my skirt was short, beneath a semi long , dirty trench coat.

            I walked aimlessly amid the rain stained streets, looking for a party at my Dads' old house. As I came upon the old 509 Monroe Ave building, I was invited inside by two, strikingly handsome, boyish, babyskinned 20 year old , young men, and introduced to some of their friends. Some were other boys and some were other youngish girls, all , famously clad in designer clothing, eccept the boys were Goth rogues, as was I.

            I explained, how it used to be my Fathers' house, and that I hadn't been in it for YEARS! "Well, little one{ I was thin as back then}, allow us to give you the Grand tour."

            We toured each floor, one by one, drinking a bit as we proceeded. The one boy and I , hit it off marvelously, as the other kept his head together, watching me closely, as if he were the overseer.

         Before reaching the TOP floor, we decided to go down to the bottom floor, where and icecream appeared and the two young girls waited on customers. As I was served, the long haired girl said, she'll need something to wear! As she disappeared into the back, soon she would return with, lovely yet Gothlike silken attire. As I picked them up, I found a string of rainbow condoms, tucked at the bottom of the pile."She NEEDS these!", she mandated and brushed the hair out of my eyes with her soft, manacured hand.

           Sitting on the stool next to the counter was my dream boy, his hairless chest undisclosed and bare, his trench coat agape, shining in the parlor lights. He bid me to come closer, and , NOT affraid, I did. His eyes drank me in, as he reached beneath my skirt and began to fondle my genetailia. I replied by gently scratching my Goth nails down his glistening chest, sending him into rapturous vibrations!

               The time had arrived to show me the Friedmans apartment, located on the top floor of my Daddys' house. The last room, was where I was led, and upon entering, the other smoothe boy, began to secure the doors with heavy wire, so as NOT to ALLOW ANY entry! As the doors closed, I noticed revolving portions, eye level, that when were spun, it was looking glasses , one would find atop a scenic bldg.! The Beautiful boy and I, whose eyes drank me in, were about to engage in THE, MOST gentle barrage of foreplay, I'd ever imagined. Gentle kissing, {I was NOT to touch his member} as he kissed me deeply, and shudderd as I would run my Goth nails down his back and torso. Teddy bears and feathers were used to play, so innocently and alluring. His eyes, oceanic blue and gentle, ravaged my heart, and no matter whom was watching, we were safe inside, playing silly, loving games, just like children in LOVE! He would envelope me into his bare , strong arms ,run his tongue down my neck and nipples, saying,' I taste if innocense.' The condoms, were used as blow up balloons, when suddenly, the portals were closed, and he FINALLY allowed me to attend him, as he penetrated me into nirvana.

              I told him I was REALLY 44. He said he knew, but I had a childs heart, and one could see it, if only one looked. At the end of our harmonious orchestration, he helped me to dress Goth, and led me to feed me Icecream, giving me a new , yet beat up pair of trench boots. He burned a heart into the side of one, stating, "IF anyone ever tries to hurt you, KICK THEM with THIS foot, and I shall be your strength!" "You know I'm such a fool for you, do you have to let it linger," is playing, as I wrap up this exotic dream for "What I think/DREAM, IF- anyone Cares."

Just Me Mind , GOING...

So much has been , transpiring in my life, these days. Yesterday, my Girls, were in track and field, within their School. I've NEVER missed one of 'em. However, for The For the first time....Alan , also participated. These days, I am on High Blood Pressure medication. I took what I had, but was short of TWO of the pills. After two hours, I began feeling light headed and that I needed to fall asleep??!!!

             I told Alan, I HAD, to go home and go and get the missing meds. He, agreed to remain, and asked if I required a help, HOME. I said, "NOPE, I'm in GODS' hands, I just need to care for this, meself. All became well, I obtained my meds, and nibbled a bit, and , THEN, fell fast asleep, for an hour or two.

         Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! , The Girls did quite well, and were exstatic, that their Daddy, finally showed to a point in their lives. I was Pleased as punch, when he said THANKS, for including him??!!!!

             I am seeing another man, these days. Sit DOWN 4 this one...he's friends with Alan, from long ago. Now, there isn't sex betixed this man and i, but, he is gentle and adoring of all THREE of us lil' women. He's , also, bestqwed an operable VCR, for us to use. THE FIRST movies , the babes brought out to view, were those of their /our earlier years, INCLUDING , Alan and Christmas/Easter /ETC>! I do NOT mind saying, it tore me innards OUT! Bobby, my companion, was enthraulled with them??!!! I asked , IF- this irked him at all?! He said, "Nope, it just shows whom you REALLY are. "No wonder your Children are the way they ARE!" I , MUST agree with him, it shows their roots.

           Summer is upon us, quickly. School, is at it's end, fairly quickly. I Thank GOD, I have LEARNED , how to take the time to be Blessed, with a Sound , Summer activity based schedule , for the Girls to be surrounded with. They WILL be attending CAMP, strewn from The Y.M.C.A.! As a matter of fact, Megans' Birthday Party,will go off, THIS Saturday, and The LORD has provided all we require, for NO hitches:)- It would appear, that Bobbie and Alan, will be the barbiquers. { Holy  Merde'}

            I'm NOT, very settled with this !  Fact of the matter, IS- I am STILL In LOVE , with my husband, despite all that was done to us??!!!! YES- call me a lunatic, BUT- I would NOT have said "I DO," if I weren't in it . for the LONG HAUL!!  I'm still pinching meself, that Bobbie isn't pressuring me for SEX!  FER REAL, for real, I have a head ache.LOL

            I require some sleep, afore tomorrow, BUT- I had to spill, This evening. I, shall allert you to the proceedings, at a later date. PROMISE!

YOU tell me...

I , reside SO , CLOSE to my Family, that has transpired! The factual MATTER, that exists, IS- I'm the only one , whom visits them??!!!!  The weirder FACT, IS, I was the Black sheep , of the volume!

                I've met a FAMILY , or three , in me day, NONE of them, have been as FAR , fetched as mine. FUCK- I'm a borrowed particle. OH! Please, don't git me wrong, I'm BLOOD LINE!   'Cept, I was hatched and , then BOUGHT! There is only ONE, True connect! Her name is Gail. She IS , The ONLY one, whom claimed me as a part of the Family, that should be SHOT, afore they  multiply further!

I ache , from head to toe...

   I , sincerely, ACHE, from head to toe!

This makes little to NO SENSE! Permit me to be more precise. I have made , Glorious progress, on the yard, AND, the Spring cleaning , thingy! { most likely , is WHY I'm so , darn sore, LOL} My life , is generating in a fantastic direction, CHILDREN included. I am loved and appreciated by the plants , aminals and kindred folk, ETC.! So , what is my fuckin' problem?!!

            Peoples, I have been Blessed with , fantastic muzik, played  just 4 me!!!!!!!!!!!!   Still, I am allowing myself to be plagued with this depressed frame of mind, that is taking it's toll, on me body? My heart is OVERFLOWING with Great wishes to share the wealth, BUT- I chose to isolate, for as I don't wish to infect anyone with my disintigration.

        OUTSIDE, is , Sunny and warming into the low 70s'. The bird feeder is filled  with seed, and surrounded with Grateful Tweeeters:):). Yet , again, I turned the radio , OFF, simoly to speak with, as well as to LISTEN to their songs of LOVE.

          Ya'll, KNOW, I'm not wealthy, $$ wise. But I tell you from my heart, 'Trump,' ain't got squat on me . LOL!!  The other night, I had bill money , put aside, BUT- I scamped on a bit of it, for St. Anthonys' , put on their annual, Spring carnival. It costs $12.00 per child, to get a bracelette, which gets then on any ride they wish to go on. Let us say, they had a BLAST! The LORD , provided me , to give them a memory to last them a LIFE time!  Poor Ashley, got sick on the one ride, but, never the less, the whole gala was priceless to her!

                I must take a slight break, but- I WILL continue in THIS sbject, in a few:)...